When Lancelot Comes Riding
The days of knights and fair maidens are long gone. For many young women the question, “Can I carry that for you?” sounds more like, “Prithee, fair maiden! Allow me to relieve thee of thy luggage.” To which they respond, “What century are you from?”
In the first installment of our series I focused mainly on the heart attitude that young men need in order to fulfill their calling as gentlemen. In this post I would like to focus on the young women, and specifically on the first of two common but wrong assumptions they can have when Lancelot comes riding.
“I Wouldn’t Want To Inconvenience You”
Imagine that a princess has been kidnapped by an evil ogre and locked in a dark, gloomy castle. But suddenly a brave knight in shinning armor rides up on a white horse, swims the castle moat in full armor, wins a hard-fought victory over the vicious ogre, finds her cell, and calls out, “Stay back! I am going to break down the door and free you!” Wouldn’t it ruin the story if she responded, “Oh, don’t bother. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”
Sadly, this is the way many modern day “fairy tales” end. A gentleman tries to serve a girl, she responds by being embarrassed because she doesn’t want to inconvenience him, and he is discouraged from acting the part of a man.
Many girls wrongly assume that the hardest part of chivalry is the actual act of service, while in reality the hardest battle most men have to fight is asking you, not carrying your bags.
In other words, when a gentleman offers to open the door for you he has already had to conquer his “inner ogre” of self-centeredness and cluelessness. If you refuse his service because you’re afraid of inconveniencing him it’s like telling the knight who swam the moat and defeated the ogre that you wouldn’t want to “trouble” him with opening the door of your cell.
Challenge yourself to remember that a gentleman is going against the current of our culture by fighting his self-centeredness and asking to serve you. If he’s already killed the ogre, let him open the door.
Read: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five
August 30th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
This is a great point, guys. I know that I have pulled that line a few times when boys have offered to give up their chair for me, or carry something for me. I truly did not want to inconvenience them, and at the same time felt slightly awkward with the (very innocent) attention. But I always felt a little bad about having refused their help when they had taken the time to offer it.
August 30th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
One of the things that I really liked about being at the Vision Forum Film Festival, was that all the guys opened the door for me. Usually when I go anywhere no one opens the door for me (except at church).
August 30th, 2006 at 6:25 pm
I remember once absently turning down a brother’s offer to refill my drink at a restaurant. Big mistake- my sister pointed how to me afterward how his face fell and since that incidence he less frequently asks to serve me. I’ve regret my rash decision every time this memory comes to mind. I agree with Brett here- girls, think before you turn down a courteous offer from the gentlemen! From what I’ve seen, it really does affect them!
August 30th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
haha, i love the analogy you create here. and i’ve been getting better at allowing chivalry this year, but explaining that the “asking” part is way harder than the action….gosh that really helps me understand this concept better. thanks
August 30th, 2006 at 8:56 pm
Hopefully after you finish this series I’ll remember to thank my brothers when they serve me. I’m here with Anna, I’m understanding the concept better. Thanks!
August 31st, 2006 at 4:45 am
I like the analogy. I never really thought of it that way. Thanks for taking the time to help us understand!
August 31st, 2006 at 4:48 am
I’m really looking forward to the other posts. This is something all girls need to hear so bad- me included.
August 31st, 2006 at 4:49 am
Ah. Yes. Well, now…
I had never really thought of that before. Your analogy really was useful. You see, I’ve always been a bit of a “tomboy” - enjoying sports, which aren’t necessarily bad in and of themselves, but which have at times encouraged the “anything you can do, I can do better” line of thinking. I can honestly say that I have struggled with this, especially since for the last two years I had a boyfriend whose parents raised him up to all chivalrous and such. You know, opening doors, walking on street side, all of that fun stuff. I have battled with the inner demon that says, “No! I don’t need help! I can do this all on my own!” before… and still do, occasionally. I have had to realize that allowing a guy to help or be chivalrous, is not demeaning to me. I suppose it just comes down to our culture’s stigma of a reaction that, when someone says that men and women are different, we want to raise a fist and say, “Are you calling us weak?!?” I have to realize that such is not the reasoning behind the offer, ye ken? It certainly helps me to see that the times when I stumble and fall into that mindset, how it is affecting the guys around me who are trying to be chivalrous. That my stumbling doesn’t affect just me.
Well, now that I’ve practically left a blog entry in your comments section, I’ll scattle off.
August 31st, 2006 at 6:48 am
Thanks. I needed to hear that! It’s amazing how easily I can think, “Oh, I don’t want to bother him” when there’s an oppertunity for him to serve….
Now, I have a question. Something the girls and I have been discussing is what you said in “The Modern Day Gentleman” –”Give us opportunities to do the right thing. We may need subtle hints such as, ‘Will you open the door for me please?’”
What we’ve been feeling is that it might be taken flirtatiously if we DID do that. What do the guys think? If a some girl at church said that, what would you think? Would you be thankful for her allowing you to be a gentleman (as Alex and Brett seem to imply) or would you think her rather “forward” as we’re feeling it might be?
August 31st, 2006 at 6:56 am
Excellent analogy. I’m going to try to keep this in mind more. I don’t usually discourage a guy from serving me, but sometimes I do almost without thinking and only realize later that I did.
August 31st, 2006 at 7:08 am
Great post guys! I really liked the way that you explained it all. Everyone needs to hear this.
August 31st, 2006 at 8:02 am
Wow! What an awesome analogy! You know, right before I read what you said about guys asking to do us a service, I was thinking, “Ah ha! It is the process of actually asking that is like swimming the moat and killing the ogre!” So you see, your analogy works really well! Now that I understand this better, hopefully I will be more ready to accept chivalry…but do you have anything to say about accepting chivalry when it actually inconveniences the lady? There have been times when a guy has offered to pour me a glass of ice water and I have refused b/c I don’t like ice water…would it be better to just suffer through the ice water than pour cold water on his attempt to serve me?
August 31st, 2006 at 9:03 am
The posts so far have had some decent points made in them. I really didn’t think about things like this until this past summer, when guys have opened doors for me, etc. I’ve always played myself as the “strong, independent woman” type who didn’t want help from guys–but I never meant to encourage a guy to be self-centered! I really never thought of it that way. Keep up the good work!
August 31st, 2006 at 9:07 am
Great series. Thanks for writing about this.
August 31st, 2006 at 10:59 am
Thanks! That’s a wonderful analogy… it really made me think. I’m looking forward to Part 3 and Part 4! This is a great series!
August 31st, 2006 at 12:44 pm
Great post!!! This is much needed in todays society.Guys don`t really help girls anymore,but when they actually do it often seems strange to us.We innocently discourage our brothers in Christ from serving.
I know that I sure wished a guy would have helped me with my books today at school.Thankfully I made it alright to my classes!
August 31st, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Good thinking, Brett! You’re right; I think we girls forget that it’s not always easy for the guys to gulp down their apprehensions and ask us if we need help with something. It’s a good reminder. Thanks!
August 31st, 2006 at 5:02 pm
Hm, this one certainly gave me a hard smack in the face. I find myself often times turning down offers for help from guys. I was too caught up in my own independence that the world today is pushing on us women, that I failed to allow a young man to be what we don’t see much of these days, a gentleman. The feminism of today has gotten us so into the idea of “rescuing ourselves from the evil ogre” that it has made us stupid enough to tell our rescuer to leave us alone, while we organize and even better way of escape. Like Veronika said, we girls do forget what it takes for a guy to be a gentleman these days. We complain about there not being enough gentlemen in the world, then we ignore one when he comes along. Thanks for waking us up to it.
August 31st, 2006 at 8:23 pm
Good question Jacqui. What do you think, guys? Personally, it would seem kind of awkward for a young lady to ask me to open a door, unless they actually needed help. When I’m around a sister, my mother, or another young lady, it’s natural for them to step to the side so I can open a door. But for a young lady to come up and ask me to open a door she could’ve just walked through? I’d have to wonder.
I think this type of blunt encouragement comes most appropriately from ones family. So let your brothers have it! 
And if you really think a guy needs some encouragement, try advising him to help another damsel in distress.
Each situation has to be judged individually, but I think the general idea is to let the guys treat you well. Let the courtesy take place, but don’t be too forward in asking for assistance unless there is a practical need (like carrying something heavy). Be eager to let the guys help, but not to a point where it may seem like you’ve singled them out for duty.
September 1st, 2006 at 4:06 am
Great post!
I have to say I’m in the habit of stepping aside and waiting for the nearest man to open the door for me, and more often than not it happens… maybe it’s a cultural thing (I’m English) more than a Christian chivalric one though, sad as that is.
September 1st, 2006 at 4:32 am
Great post!
This serves as a great reminder!
I’m not used to letting guys do things for me…I think it’s because most of the guys here (in the Philippines) do those things - opening doors, carrying bags/books, etc. - if and only if they like a girl in a special way….
Nevertheless, I’ll do my best to let the guys “open the door.”
September 1st, 2006 at 5:35 am
Thanks for this series! It’s really encouraging. I too, all too often do things without really thinking about letting a guy do them for me. I don’t want to “inconvenience them”. I don’t think I’ll be asking any guys besides my family to open the door for me, but I’ve gotten into a habit of stepping to the side to let the guy open the door if he will. Usually it’s just my brother or father that does it, but that’s wonderful, all the same!
September 1st, 2006 at 7:21 am
Wow…this was a really great post! I never really thought of it like that. I have totally thought that before (”I don’t want to inconvenience you!”). Hm…change in perspective, eh?
September 1st, 2006 at 12:46 pm
Jacqui, I agree with Nathan wholeheartedly. It would seem forward for a young lady to ask me to open the door if she’s not carrying anything and perfectly capable of opening the door herself. But it would be to my shame if I did not get the door for her in the first place.
Nathan said: If you really think a guy needs some encouragement, try advising him to help another damsel in distress.
I thought this needed to be said again; it’s so full of wisdom. This avoids forwardness and apparent self-centeredness, and it encourages a brother in Christ to fill his role.
September 1st, 2006 at 5:45 pm
In response to Jacqui: I know that’s a hard one. I would have to agree with Nathan and Ryan on asking, unless you were really in a predicament. Rather, I suggest slowing down as you reach a door, kindly pause to the side, and/or hesitate. If he doesn’t get the message, it’s okay, give him a little slack.
Another good chivalry encourager is tight bottles and jars: I have found many a time I cannot get the top off a new water bottle. All you have to say is, “Could you open this for me, please?” It is so cute to see the spark in both my brother’s eyes when I ask them this. Priceless!
September 4th, 2006 at 5:26 am
Thanks, guys! That helps.
September 6th, 2006 at 7:03 pm
[…] Though these responses could stem from a misguided desire to avoid inconveniencing me, they are most likely influenced by the ubiquitous myth of feminism that says that my offer of service is a negative judgment of their strength and competence. This why they find it necessary to correct my “false impression.” […]
September 7th, 2006 at 6:00 am
it’s always been incredibly awkward for me to have guys do things for me- I grew up in a house with two older sisters and my dad wasn’t around very much- I’ve always done things on my own, I didn’t know how to respond when a guy opened the door for me, or offered to carry things.. I never thought about how they could get upset if i turned them down (someone posted that in a comment) Thanks for posting this, it really struck home with me.
Pax Vobiscum.
September 7th, 2006 at 6:47 am
Brilliant posts!
I’ve found it so frusterating at school how I can stand back for a girl and she just refuses to walk through! I almost dont blame guys for giving up… thanks for getting me fired up again - we need to hear stuff like this!
September 8th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
[…] We are either part of the problem or part of the solution. By holding faithfully God’s plan for men and women, let us make this transformation. Read: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four […]
September 10th, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Might not the modern day gentleman go beyond external cultural expressions of courtesy — many of them from yesteryear — and seek to serve the real women around him. Does opening a door a gentleman make? Indeed not. A man may open a door to help a woman or to stare at her behind, right? Motives matter.
I suspect Christ would call us to a higher standard than such externals, perhaps the harder work of being a brother to the sisters in your life, talking with them, encouraging them, correcting them and challenging them and allowing them to do the same for you.
Don’t get me wrong. If a gentleman opens a door for me, I say “thank you” and walk through it. But sometimes, I wonder if our Christian young men congratulate themselves on such courtesies rather than seeking out the things that would serve the women in their lives. You see, I am a female person. What might serve some other woman may not necessarily serve me. If I don’t like ice water, it is not helpful for me or my Christian brother for me to let him get me a cup of it. Why not say, “thank you for wanting to serve me, but I would actually prefer the water without ice.”
Can’t we be honest with each other and seek to serve each other as persons, not gender stereotypes? I am not offended by courtesies of form, such as the so-called “chivalric behaviors.” I don’t assume that the man offering these courtesies intends to insult or demean me. To be honest, there are some doors I cannot open easily. The extra 50+ pounds the average male has on me gives him an advantage when contending with such obstacles. For all those other doors, I don’t imagine him so dim-witted as to suppose I’m incapable of opening them. I assume he’s trying to be nice.
But this does not serve me in any meaningful way. I don’t feel like a cog in God’s great plan for gender roles by pretending to be served by a man who displays no interest at all in what would actually serve me, if all he really wants is for me to behave in the way that he expects.
What excites me? The gentleman is one whose heart motive is for my good. He seeks to know me — the real person who God created, instead of reducing me to the shape of my body. He is interested in my mind and my heart and my spirit.
And I? I will not view him as some sort of oppressor or a well-meaning but clueless brother. I will seek to know who God made him to be: his mind and heart and spirit. He isn’t a door-opening, chair holding machine, after all. He’s my brother in the Lord.
Brothers, may I appeal to you? Don’t judge the woman who is a little clueless or even resentful of your attempts to extend courtesies to her. I know those gentlemanly gestures can be hard for you and you may even feel judged by the women you so seek to serve. I don’t assume they are easy for you.
But, have you ever considered whether she might want you to do more than open that door? Maybe she wants you to look her in the eye, to ask her about what is going on in her life, to engage her about a book she is reading or an interpersonal relationship that has troubled her, or her doubts about God’s goodness, or how discouraged she has become with her own sinfulness or her love for sharing the gospel, or what God taught her recently.
I know that is much scarier than opening a door. You might be misinterpreted, or say the wrong thing or you may feel intimidated by her or you may not know how to help her, or, or, or… But, how would Jesus want you to treat her?
Instead of asking, “how can I serve women,” you might ask, “what would serve this woman?” And, if you don’t know, try asking her. The response might surprise you.
Of course, apply this counsel with caution in your differing relationships. And, to help avoid misinterpretation, don’t single out just one woman for this kind of modern gentlemanly courtesy unless she’s your wife or you want her to be your wife.
September 13th, 2006 at 1:43 pm
I really thought this was a good post and I definately have to work on being more courteous to guys. I usually hang out with guys that tend to hold doors for me and help me carry things and stuff like that, but there is always a little bit of awkwardness. Why is that and how do you combat that? I also sometimes feel like I get the message from some of my girl friends that I was almost rude to except his kind offer. Say, a guy offers to give me his chair. If I accept I might get looks that say, “Oh my word, she totally just put him out his chair.” and then I feel like a jerk. Do guys ever make offers of service because they were brought up that way but secretly hope you don’t accept?
September 16th, 2006 at 3:53 pm
[…] The Gospel is the solution to counterfeit chivalry, because Jesus Christ took upon Himself all of our selfishness and pride and died the death our sin deserves. He endured the wrath of God, and rose from the dead so that by believing in Him and in the sufficiency of His sacrifice, we might “die” to our sin and live a new life of freedom — freedom to love others as we have been loved. Read: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five […]
September 20th, 2006 at 5:42 am
I have noticed that when I do accept a chivalrous gesture, the young man who offered it
seems very pleased (and somewhat relieved) that I did not turn him down, even if it means
that he is now standing or sitting on the floor and I am in a comfortable chair.
September 24th, 2006 at 3:28 pm
Wow…
This really stuck out to me. I’ve always been a fan of medival times, and early 1800’s, when ladies were feminine, and the men, well…truly masculine and gentlemen like.
Whenever a boy at my school leaves the door open for me, I feel secure that there are gentlemen out there that respect and honor girls, the weaker gender.
Perhaps it’s because of my background, but I feel no hesitation to take boys up on the offer of holding the door open for me. And I am proud to compliment them with a thank you.
I’m new to this website, and so far really enjoying it. Thanks for posting this!!!
A
September 24th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
Amanda,
what you said is true for me as well, and I am so glad to know that there are girls who are
somewhat more “old fashioned” like myself! I love being a lady!
October 8th, 2006 at 5:49 pm
I’m with Amanda and Sarah; I also like the medieval and more classical eras, and the whole idea of gentlemen and ladies. However, I also find myself in a bit of a quandary, and I’m thankful your article brought up the point.
You see, I really do like to serve others, and so I hold open doors for people, and carry things for my friends. When I’m holding open the door, though, sometimes a few girls or a few boys offer to relieve me of it. I usually politely decline, saying that I like doing it, and smile at them. Is this wrong of me? I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m just wondering–if I do that, is that actually discouraging to gentlemen?
At the same time, I’m also thinking–what if I hold open the door, but the same guy offers to let me go first each time? Maybe I’m just being overanalytical, but wouldn’t it be unseemly if I continually opened the door and continually let the same guy let me go first? Also, does that mean I should yield when a guy asks me to go first, but not if a girl does? Sorry, I’ve been reading these posts and mulling over them last night, and these are all some questions I’ve had =p
The thing with carrying stuff, though, I agree is true. A good brother of mine offered to carry my stuff several times, and it wasn’t that much for me, so I managed, and I didn’t want him to be inconvenienced. Now that I think about it, though, I see your point =)
I really like your posts and articles! They’re so thought-provoking and God-honoring, too. Thanks for these
God bless you both!
October 16th, 2006 at 4:59 am
That was great analogy and a great reminder especially for us ladies. Come to think of it! I never viewed it that way!
Now as the eldest in my family I pray that I will bring out a modern day gentleman from my only brother (we’re five girls and he’s the only boy– who needs extra care from his sisters ^_^)
November 3rd, 2006 at 12:18 pm
I agree with Amanda, Sarah, and Grace. I also have a love for the midieval and classic time perods. But I have to admit, I’m not much of a lady at times, being raised in the country. It’s easier for me to rescue myself from the ‘dragon’ at times than to let my brother be a man and aid me. I must admit, I haven’t let the boys in our church be men at times. Thank you so much for your insight.
November 4th, 2006 at 4:45 am
I have learned that the absolute best way to respond to a man being chivalric is to look at his eyes, smile brightly, and say a genuine Thank-you, and then take the place of honor that he is giving to you. Because just as much as he’s affirming your femininity by being gracious, you are affirming his masculinity by allowing him to do so. A genuine appreciation for his kindness goes far, far further than a hesitant refusal or blind acceptance.
This is something else that I’ve learned.. a guy who gives up his chair naturally and easily will, if you accept, have this feeling as he stands or sits on the less comfortable floor that the world is as it should be.
November 14th, 2006 at 6:50 am
It’s Amanda again!
Wow, it’s been over a month since i last wrote in here, and i couldn’t believe when i got on how many people responded to my note in here about being more of a “old fashion lady”. I’m so glad that i’m not the only one that doesn’t think the same thought.
To add to my note: GIRLS we need to let the MEN be MEN!! we need to think of ourselves for who we really are…the weaker gender!! I understand that the thing now is to rebel and to be like the guys who are strong, tough, and cool; i went through that stage too. However, i am now starting to realize that this is wrong for us women to do. God created us, male, and female. God created us different from each other. The new Hollywood style for guys is too grow beards and look dirty and manly. Why, you may think, would they want to grow a beard? Duh!! Girls can’t grow beards!! We ladies have taken everything manly from the men. The beard is now the only thing that distinguishes us from them.
LADIES!!! We need to show the men that there are TRUE CHRISTIAN LADIES in this world. We need to give the men an oppurtunity to treat us like that, praise us for being who we are, and serve us like ladies. For gosh sakes let them serve you, let them open the door for you!!
Sadly though, our race has rebeled against our own gender, and now the men are being numbed to how to treat us. In the old and good days, men always served the ladies. However, nowadays, even if we act like ladies, men don’t always treat us like that.
I have to admitt, when i’m rushing to class and am carrying heavy books, I start praying that a guy would take a second to hold the door for me, so that way I don’t have to worry about dropping my books when I try to open the door. However, it rarely happens, and i am so saddended, by both genders. The girls for not being ladies, and the guys for being so easily numbed.
LADIES!!! I cannot stress to you how important it is to preserve our race. Please help me to over come this and preserve our dignity!!!
In Christ,
Amanda
November 14th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
What planet are you broads living on?!? Perhaps a trip to certain middle eastern countries would wise you up to what you\’re moronically throwing away, womens rights wise. Women have died and are still dying abroad, to liberate your gender, and reading this naive, medieval prattling is like watching someone take a dump on their memories.
Get a proper education you stupid, stupid people.
November 15th, 2006 at 8:18 am
Badnewswade,
I have to completly disagree with you in this matter. I do not know what you believe, but I know that I am Christ’s child and I know how He wants me to act. I know that Christ is saddened by the way this world is running, and that I am also sadddened by my generation and my gender, so this is why I am a Christian Rebel.
BRETT, ALEX, do you agree with me?
Amanda
November 15th, 2006 at 10:45 am
On the other hand, one of my friends in college told me that where she came from, a guy holding a door or offering help with bags was most likely looking for an opportunity to ask for sexual favors.
I guess it just depends on local custom!
November 16th, 2006 at 6:12 am
Well, perhapes he was, but you also have to think of the majority of REAL gentleman who don’t look for oppurtunities to ask for favors. They just want to be nice. Besides, the guy who offers assistance would probably go out with you first before asking for favors. But then, i may be wrong. After all, who am i to judge men when I am not one myself?
However, i do know that we woman need to act like ladies, and yadayadayada….(do i really need to repeat myself?)
:)
November 17th, 2006 at 5:01 am
I am a lady and really appreciate gallantry from my brothers-in-Christ (although I admit that sometimes I reject it because I really did not want to inconvenience them and sometimes because I was afraid that the brother would think that I was interested in him & didn’t want to encourage those particular individuals!) …. but more often, I find, in Singapore (yes, I’m Singaporean), the brothers in my church don’t often offer to carry things for us. We sisters sometimes discussed it and have been , honestly, more than a little put off by it. Maybe it’s the culture, I don’t know. Some brothers-in-Christ seem to think that they are being “spiritual” by not carrying sisters’ things for them in case there is any “misunderstanding”. It is so sad when the guys in the world outside who are not Christians can be gallant (without ulterior motive) yet our own brothers-in-Christ refrain from helping or are clueless.
November 20th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
probably the “hottest” thing in a guy is when they act nice. .and chivalrous.
November 27th, 2006 at 7:55 am
Dear Mj,
It is amazing how different cultures can give a different out look on things. My dad used to be a home inspector and on one of his inspections, he went to a Middle Eastern home (here in America) and he noticed how the wife acted like our “gentleman”, by holding the door for her husband, and let him do the talking and decisions. My dad thought it wild and different.
Perhapes you and the women of your church should have a church meeting and tell the men how you feel about this matter. Share with them scriptures that support your viewpoint.
I greatly support you!
In Christ,
Amanda
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:07 am
Don’t we have more important things to discuss than door-opening, jar-opening, and the carrying of luggage?
December 6th, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Thank you guys so much for writing this series on chivalry! I especially enjoy reading on how girls should react when guys try to be chivalrous. Thank you so much for pointing out it’s ok if a guy wants to open the door for a girl; it’s not to belittle her but rather to act in the way God would have him act.
I really do wish that chivalry would make a come-back, and I greatly appreciate your efforts to bring this about!
December 7th, 2006 at 5:11 pm
This chivalry topic is really good. I know I have every now and then not accepted a brother in Christ’s offer to hold the door open, carry my chair, etc., but now I see the importance in it.
December 8th, 2006 at 7:33 am
I rejoice in the LORD the God of my salvation for this encouragement! May HE continually bless you all!! My heart leaped for joy when I read Nadia and Stephanie’s notes, realizing that God has opened the hearts and minds of this generation. I cannot thank y’all enough!
This is a fragile topic that we are dealing with. One that everyone has a different opinion too. I am very encouraged to see that so many people agree with me, and I continually pray for those that don’t.
well, must go.
write more later.
December 11th, 2006 at 4:23 pm
Hi! My name is Rachel, you don’t know me but I am from CBH and thought I would say hi!!
December 30th, 2006 at 8:51 am
Don’t you know me? I’m from CBH, My username is joyfully….
January 1st, 2007 at 12:44 pm
1. PRAISE YE THE LORD.
I WILL praise the Lord with my whole heart,
in the assembly of the upright,
and in the congregation.
2. The works of the Lord are GREAT,
sought out of all them that have pleasure therein.
Psalm 111
That is two verses that my sister and I are learning…..
January 14th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
I have to admit I had not thought about it this way. I have been so used to guys not opening doors, and not offering to help that, when it does happen I tend to reject it, and say as you wrote it, “I don’t want to inconvience you.” I do this not just because it doesn’t happen, but also because I don’t really know what to do when it does. I do want to be an encouragement to my brothers who are trying, though. So, I want to thank you for putting this out here. It has really helped me to think about what I need to do, and I will do my best to change MY attitude and actions. Thanks again. A sister in Christ Jesus our Lord.
January 18th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
“badnewswade Says:
November 14th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
Perhaps a trip to certain middle eastern countries would wise you up to what you\’re moronically throwing away, womens rights wise. Women have died and are still dying abroad, to liberate your gender…”
Wade, the reason that women in Middle Eastern countries are still ‘without rights’ is not because their men are ‘backward’ in showing chivalry towards them. Middle Eastern countries are predominantly Muslim. I challenge you to find one ‘Muslim’ country in which women, as a rule, are treated with dignity and respect.
Islam does not promote an attitude of respect towards women. On the contrary, it debases and enslaves them. Mohammed, who founded Islam, set the example for his followers. I realize I am stepping on thin ice here, especially in our modern society of ‘Tolerance Above All’ and ‘Islam Means Peace’ - but the truth must be told.
In the Hadiths the prophet Mohammed tells his followers that ‘your women are like your fields, therefore use them as you please’. He is putting a woman on level with a piece of earth, which has no voice and no rights and can be bought and sold at the owner’s pleasure!
Mohammed took at least 9 wives and double that number of concubines. Most of these women were the widows of men Mohammed killed in battle. Several of them were forced into his harem the night of their husbands’ deaths. Mohammed’s favorite wife, Aisha, was 9 years old when their marriage was consummated. (Mohammed was 51. He died 9 years later.) Can you imagine that sort of atrocity? In our society men and women would be up in arms against this child molestation. But Mohammed can do no wrong, and for centuries to come girls in Muslim countries would be married off as young as six years old!
The Kuran teaches that a woman will not be allowed to enter Paradise when she dies unless:
1) She lived a righteous life, and the number of her good deeds outweighs the number of her sins.
2) She was a devout Muslim.
3) Her husband is already in Paradise, and after being rewarded with 70 of the beautiful virgins of Paradise, he still wants the “used edition”.
If her husband wants her, then she can enter Paradise - and spend eternity doing whatever he commands.
In Muslim countries a woman’s word is equal to half a man’s. Therefore, if a woman is raped or injured by a man and has no witness, her attacker will win the court battle because it is his whole word against a half of a word. This is in accordance with the Kuran.
You may say this is theoretical. It is not. I grew up in a Muslim country. The women had to pretend to be happy and were forced to throw a party to celebrate whenever their husbands brought home a new wife. Yet if they were accused of adultery, their husbands could divorce them by simply saying “I divorce you” three times. (But an angry wife had to go to court to get a divorce.) Our neighbor’s second wife (of three) confided to my mother, “You are the only happy woman on this street. Your husband is faithful to you. All the women in our neighborhood are angry at their husbands but are afraid to say anything.” The form of Islam prevalent in the country in which I grew up does not follow Kuranic teachings ‘exactly’ and so the death penalty is not enforced when a woman is guilty of adultery - but the Kuran teaches that a woman found guilty of adultery is to be stoned to death. (Imagine how easy it makes it for a jealous husband to take revenge, even when the wife is innocent, if his word is twice hers?)
Wade, you are wrong. The inhumanity shown to women in Muslim/Middle Eastern countries is not due to the practice of chivalry, but to the lack of it. And the lack of chivalry comes from a lack of Christian teaching and true faith in Christ.
Islam is the primary reason that women die fighting for rights that should be accorded them in Middle Eastern countries. Christ is the answer for this, not diplomatic rehashings of the issue, or political ultimatums. And true chivalry is born of true commitment to Christ, because a man learns to look at a woman not as an object but as a person created in the image of God, and as a Woman - God’s final creation and gift to Man, to be cherished and respected and loved.
January 27th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I remember sitting in a friend’s living room in the Muslim country where I grew up one afternoon and listening to a religious teacher instruct her about ’serving Allah’.
“You must never ever disobey or be unsubmissive to your husband,” he said, “For, to a woman, the door to Paradise is on the bottom of her man’s foot.”
Their religion has no place for women, beyond that of gratifying men’s desires. This is why women in the Middle East are still fighting for respect and not receiving it. Worldviews and actions are infathomably affected by one’s religion. If one believes that Woman’s way to Heaven is through the bottom of Man’s foot - then in order to reach Heaven, Woman must first be stomped on by Man. Man, thus, is doing Woman a favor by misusing her.
February 12th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I am so glad you boys are posting things like this for everyone to read and learn from. (also thank you Tabitha for your insight) However, I cannot allow my teen sons to visit anymore due to the “spam” jibberish comments with live links to who-knows-what on here. Is there a way to delete those? Thanks and keep up the good work, you are a light.
February 13th, 2007 at 5:54 am
Would it be insulting for a woman to open doors, carry stuff, etc. etc. for another woman and even men? Most people don’t want to help others out, so usually I just go and fill the courteous role for my female friends, the guys (I offer them help too) are usually a little confused, but it generally takes them ages to even notice I’m doing all the stuff their traditionally expected to do. What’s wrong with a little gender-bending if all you want to do is help others?
March 7th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
I agree with most of what is said here. I’m quite a tomboy myself, and spend lots of lucnhes playing touch football. I hate how girls are called the weaker gender! It makes me mad to be called weak and unable to do things merely because of the gender I was born into. I have an athletic body, and am just as fast and strong as many boys my age. But at the same time, I love it when guys open doors for me. I look them in the eye and say thank you. I very much admire the rare gentleman who’ll come along and open the door for me. As a tomboy who doesn’t like to be thought of as weak, I used to have a hard time when a boy would come up to me and offer to carry something for me, but now after growing older and thinking about it further, I relize most are doing it to do something nice and polite, to be the gentleman they are trying hard to be, not because they think that I am to weak to do it myself. So now when a boy comes up and does that, I usualy let him take something, say a sencere thank you, and go on my way. I love it when boys act like gentlemen, and lately I have been trying hard to act more lady-like myself, as this is one of my weaker areas.
But it still makes me a bit miffed to be called the weaker gender! I don’t think being a lady is something “weaker” at all, now do I think calling ourselves the “weaker gender” is nessisary to accomplish lady-like manners.
I’m terribly sorry for my very un-ladylike spelling!
March 19th, 2007 at 6:46 am
This is so true! I think if we would be more appreciative of gentlemanly actions when they do happen, they might start to happen more often! I for one always try to remember not to use and “inconvenience” lines or attitudes and instead let the guy be a gentleman and then thank him for it. Not that I’m saying to make a huge fuss over it or anything, cuz that could be embarrassing for him, but just a genuine and appreciative smile and “thank-you” would make a big difference.
March 27th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
“Girls can’t grow beards!! We ladies have taken everything manly from the men. The beard is now the only thing that distinguishes us from them.”
I see. Religion stole women’s womb and has kept her out of the trinity. Our names were taken and changed. Upon marriage we go from miss (which means lacking) to Mrs.
(Which denotes identity through a man). Male’s design our clothes tell us how to dress how to put on makeup and they cut and dye our hair. They tell us how to raise the kids we create in our own bodies, how to have good relationships and disallow our full participation in the church. They (religious fundamentalist) tell us our place is in the home rearing children and caring for a husband but yet trump our authority in the home and take the lead their as well. They complain if we don’t react to them in the ways they want us to (see chivalry foolishness) and as this very blog reveals they now want to tell us how to dress.
In order to be women we are required to alter our natural bodies by removing hair from them for absolutely no good reason. Women who wear makeup and jewelry are seen as being more female than women who don’t.
Well guess what, you’ve got it wrong. There is little left for women to sacrifice but I have yet to hear them complain about being efemulated, female version of emasculation.
March 31st, 2007 at 9:26 am
Tabitha, thank you for posting that comment.
April 4th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Nice webpage, lovely, cool design. loan calculator good luck
April 11th, 2007 at 10:28 am
excellant blog.It is true that men should be more gentlemen-like.
June 17th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
My mom and dad have raised me to be as cordial as I can be to people and women really focusing on women. I really think you are doing a good job with your ideas to make a story teach lesson. most girls dont think about what they do when they refuse the kindness of a man or boy.
Great job.
July 26th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
This is a great article, and it’s something America needs to hear.
I would, however, use caution:
My dear friend’s mother invited a acquaintance to go to a concert with their family. When my friend and her pals walked anywhere, he made a great show of escourting them, and when he opened doors, he did it with astounding flourishes. It made her inclined to laugh at him which I’m sure he did not desire.
Um…
I must ask, why Lancelot? I do not think of him as particularly chivalrous man.
August 1st, 2007 at 7:17 am
I never really thought of it this way before! I will make sure and be on my guard that I reufuse no genteleman when he offers his services.Thanks!!!!!!!
August 13th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Amen!
Asking is DEFINTELY the hardest part of chivalry to a young woman!
What’s going through my head is “What if she says no? I’ll look dumb if she says no!”. When a girl refuses an offer for help, it only makes it harder to ask next time.
August 27th, 2007 at 7:41 am
[…] So it’s not surprising that Brett Harris, in his article, points to general self-centeredness as the greatest enemy to chivalry. It’s self-centeredness that not only deters many a chivalrous deed, but keeps many guys from even considering the possibility of such deeds. Chivalry can’t reside in a mind that is consumed with comfort and convenience. But what I thought was more insightful was his recurring appeal to women, to not discourage these simple and seemingly insignificant acts of service. He has a great analogy (I won’t steal his thunder) for showing that constantly refusing these acts will probably do more harm than good—for both parties. For the guy, these moments are often a struggle with flesh and pride, and so a refusal can discourage and deter them from future acts of such service. And for the girl, well, they’ll soon wonder where all the gentlemen in their lives went. I remember a few years ago, we were having a small get-together at our apartment. Because the complex doors are locked, we would always have to go down to the building door and open it up for any guests. On this night, as I was holding the door open, everyone walked in save for one particular sister. After some insistence on my part, it was clear that she wasn’t going to budge. “That’s the last time I try that—for her.” I imagine, I probably wasn’t the last to have the thought. […]
October 26th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
I have to say, if a woman came up to me and requested that I open the door for her, without an extremely heavy load, I’d honestly be disinclined to do so. As a kind gesture, there isnt anything wrong with opening the door for a person, or holding it open. However, to expect this? It comes off as nothing more than Lazy. Not forward, not flirtatious, Lazy.
Just coming from average joe.
November 2nd, 2007 at 3:39 pm
The similie is a bit much, I think.
I hold the door open for men and for women. If I need help, I’ll let someone know. Even if I’m a girl, I’m more likely to offer help than to ask it. We’re all human beings; if a man feels inclined to aid a women, so be it. But why shouldn’t women return the favor?
November 20th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
“Would it be insulting for a woman to open doors, carry stuff, etc. etc. for another woman and even men? Most people don’t want to help others out, so usually I just go and fill the courteous role for my female friends, the guys (I offer them help too) are usually a little confused, but it generally takes them ages to even notice I’m doing all the stuff their traditionally expected to do. What’s wrong with a little gender-bending if all you want to do is help others?”
AWESOME reply, thank you
I think it’s cool when women hold the door open for men or being chivlarous to men, does that make them think they are being treated as a ‘weaker’ gender, huh, probably does, good lesson
November 29th, 2007 at 2:35 am
There are certain environments where being a gentleman can cost you dearly. For example, corporate America is a very hostile place to “slip-up” and be a gentleman. The company I work for is a large coast to coast Fortune 500 type company. We have a sales culture and for the most part it’s fun and friendly.
We have a policy at work called “zero tolerance”, didn’t seem like a big deal till I read the employee manual. The policy says no: unwelcome conversation, unwelcome glances, no glaring, sexual jokes, etc. So technically at my company, if you look at a female for the moment of a “glance” meaning more then 3 seconds, and she doesn’t like it, your fired!
That’s technically what could happen and your new reputation will follow you to your next position as having been “terminated for sexual harassment”. In corporate America we do several checks before we hire a person: background, drug, state, references and internet!
Think about it, two people interviewing for the same position. One candidate has a “sexual harassment” charge with EOE and the other doesn’t, it’s a “no brainier”. If you hire the person with the harassment charge you’re liable if anything should happen, why take the chance. And here’s the interesting part of the policy, technically if you glance and she does likes it, no big deal right? Unless someone who witnessed the act of “sexual harassment” was offended by it, then that person could have you charge with sexual harassment because they witnessed an act of harassment and may have felt un-comfortable. Worst of all, it doesn’t require proof of what actually happened; it’s about how it makes the other person feel “I felt uncomfortable when he looked at me/her”!
Our HR department is dominated by females: 48 females, 2 males. Most of the women are HR professionals proudly displaying on their walls and cubes the company’s awards for diversity and policy awareness, certified experts in digging out any “harassment” after all they did write the company manual.
I don’t think a guy is going to catch an even break here, if HR can’t figure it out they technically could fire both people, why take a chance? So let’s plan some PC (political correctness) classes and train all employees to help the company stamp out harassment. This is an attitude that companies feel they have to adopt to keep from being constantly sued for millions of dollars.
Being a gentleman in corporate America is a roll of the dice with your employment at stake and perhaps your career and reputation. Please don’t think badly if a man doesn’t open the door for you, he’s been conditioned not to.
If you work in corporate America, read your employee manual, the part about sexual harassment and harassment, they both apply if a male and female are involved. Don’t think “Oh that’s not really what they mean” technically if it says it in the manual then that’s what it means. Here’s where this gets interesting, if they don’t follow the company’s guide lines in a printed policy like “zero tolerance” the company is liable for discrimination, so technically speaking they must terminate employment and file with EOE.
December 2nd, 2007 at 12:21 am
I have two brothers. One of them I have a great relationship with. The other one… well… yeah. I love them both, but the eight year age difference between me and my oldest brother has always made things difficult. When I was born he was eight. When I was eight, he was doing drugs. Needless to say our relationship was a little strained. Now looking back at the past two years, I wonder how many times he tried to reach out to me and I pushed him away. I know he turned away from the things that were bringing him down, but how much enCOURAGEment did I give him? Thanks.
February 5th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I think it’s hard for me personally to accept a kind act like opening a door for me, from a guy. It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I’ve always grown up doing things for myself without guys ever truly acting like gentlemen, so it’s seems strange to me. I guess it also takes longer for them to get to the door to open it for me, than for me to just open it myself.
Like Manager048 was saying, guys have been conditioned not to do such things, and we as chicks have been equally conditioned not to expect such gentlemanly acts from them.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:44 am
I TOTALLY agree with CountryGoalie/Hannah Elise. I’m a big tomboy, and sometimes I get sort of feminist and take a guy’s chivalry as “You’re a girl, and you can’t do this on your own.” Yes, there is a new generation of strong women surfacing, but we should respect chivalry more!
April 19th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I have learned to wait for my Dad and brother from the time I was very young. My Dad opened the door for my Mom and us girls, when we were young, we have come to expect it. It is not like we take advantage of our brothers and Dad, but we enjoy it when they treat us like ladies. Thank God for my brothers and Dad!
Some of the women now a days are too strong. But, they don’t need to be mouses either, and they don’t need to not need their knight in shining armor. A woman who is strong in spirit, and in faithfulness, but also, knows how to hold her own, if being verbally attacked, is a virtuous woman indeed. In the middle ages, it was considered not a woman’s place to take up the sword, to go to war. But if she were the only one at home at the time, while her knight is away at war, she must needs find any means she can to protect her home, even if it includes fighting with a sword, or negotiating peace with enemies. Like the Virtuous Woman in the Proverb, she is industrious, an entrepeneur, a humble woman. Is it wrong to protect your family, spiritually, by taking up the sword of the Spirit, and weilding it against the fiery darts of the devil? That is what I believe we women should do everyday, to keep our children safe. So, brandish that spiritual sword against the devilish darts, and stand for what is right, with no comprimises.
Anyway, that is what I think.
Laura Hines, Sequim, Wa
April 29th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Wow! I never thought of it that way before. I know I to struggle with the whole ‘if he can do it I can do it” and “any thing boy’s can do I can do it better” and I never realized how bad about it I was until I read this blog! I also realize how many times guys have probably tried to be nice to me and all. Now I will realy try to be better about it and I know that this will really help me grow in my relashion ship with god and boys.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:38 am
This blog has really opened my eyes! I know I’ve always felt like I had to be “tuff” and “strong” because I have mostly Boy cousins who are all older than me and I see them quite often. And when I’m around them I’m always the under dog, the one that gets picked on etc. So there-for I’ve always been one to decline chivalry from guys thinking that I have to be tuff. I now see how much that has probably hindered my relation with them and I’m kinda ashamed of it. I can’t wati to see the next part of the “when Lancelot comes riding” blog! I know this one has helped me so much.
mega love!