The Big Misunderstanding
Nothing helps a woman get in touch with her “inner feminist” more than modern culture’s common portrayal of chivalry as little more than chauvinist men who feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger and act like Jabba the Hut. Such men, we are told, are constantly insinuating that women cannot handle even simple things like opening doors, lifting two pounds and standing up.
The result is that most people have a completely wrong view of what chivalry represents. They think it’s all about men being stronger and better, and about women being too weak and too fragile to carry boxes or open doors. The result has been an environment extremely hostile to chivalry and the gradual elimination of gentlemen from our midst.
The Big Misunderstanding
How would it change your perception of gifts if you believed that every gift you received was accompanied by the unspoken message that you couldn’t afford it?
Think of how you’d feel if someone bought you a $15.00 CD for your birthday and you took it as insinuating that you were too poor to purchase it yourself. Your pride would be hurt and you might even go out and buy the CD again, just to prove that you could.
The results of this misunderstanding are predictable: gifts and gift-givers would eventually disappear from your life as you continued to discourage them.
Of course, this fictional misunderstanding is ridiculous — everyone knows that presents are given to communicate love and appreciation, not financial superiority. Unfortunately, not everyone recognizes that our society’s misunderstanding of chivalry is nearly identical and equally ridiculous.
Most women, even Christian women, take gentlemanly offers as implying that they are unable or are having trouble doing something. This causes them to respond by being offended and/or by demonstrating their independence and sufficiency, which, of course, discourages and eventually eliminates gentlemen from their lives.
“That’s OK, It’s Not That Heavy”
Even in my church where gentleman are common and ladies are plentiful it seems that the majority of women respond to my gentlemanly offers with statements such as, “Thank you, but I’ve got it.” or “That’s OK, it’s not that heavy.”
Though these responses could stem from a misguided desire to avoid inconveniencing me, they are most likely influenced by the ubiquitous myth of feminism that says that my offer of service is a negative judgment of their strength and competence. This why they find it necessary to correct my “false impression.”
Because of this I have found it helpful to add a disclaimer to my offers of service. Instead of merely asking to carry something for a lady and risk offending her, I say something like this, “Could I carry that for you? I know you could carry it by yourself, but I just want to serve you.”
When I phrase my offer this way it is remarkable how much more positively women respond. And it’s not because there’s something magical about my syntax, it’s just that I am accurately portraying chivalry, and it’s attractive.
You see, there is no offense in humbly offering to serve someone. Just like there’s no offense in lovingly giving someone a gift. If men and women can embrace an accurate understanding of the unspoken message of chivalry, gentlemen and their gifts will thrive.
Read: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five
September 6th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
Wow, Brett. Not only is this post convicting, but encouraging to me as well. You are helping understand this vital subject more and more. Thank you.
September 6th, 2006 at 8:21 pm
That was an excellent article! Thanks so much for writing that. It’s so nice to hear a guy’s perspective… I wish chivalry was more popular…
September 6th, 2006 at 11:53 pm
Thank you, Brett. Another rich and thought-provoking post.
I wholeheartedly embrace men being gentlemen but I admit that on the rare occasion of someone making a gentlemanly offer of service, yes, I am sometimes guilty of pulling the “It’s okay; I can manage it” line. I think it stems partly from surprise that someone would offer, and partly from the fact that I wouldn’t want to take them away from another task.
I have a friend, however, who is genuinely saddened when he sees women carrying heavy loads or reaching high to get something off a top shelf, who refuse help. His example, along with these thoughts of yours, are a good reminder that a gentle “Thank you” and a willingness to allow men to embrace chivalry, is perhaps the most honouring response of all. I’ll try harder to be more gracious in my responses
.
September 7th, 2006 at 3:16 am
Brett, that was *really* good. I really appreciate your way of asking to carry things. I’ll have to adopt something similar.
September 7th, 2006 at 6:12 am
Brett, I think you make a great point. But when I turn down a chivalrous offer, it’s usually not so much because I’m offended or that I don’t want to inconvenience the guy; it’s because a lot of guys are only chivalrous when they are flirting. Or at least that’s the way it seems to me. I don’t want to give them the wrong impression by accepting their offers. Is this problem all my imagination or not?
September 7th, 2006 at 8:10 am
Thank you for another excellent post on chivalry. It is giving me quite a bit to consider and think about.
September 7th, 2006 at 8:55 am
Jamie: You’re right. That is another barrier to chivalry. I’m going to be addressing flirtation in one of the next two installments. =)
September 7th, 2006 at 10:56 am
Well, if a girl is responding to chivalry through that motivation, then yes, she should examine her heart.
However, most girls aren’t responding to chivalrous offers with that in mind. If I’m carrying my bag from my dorm door to my dorm room, and some guy offers to carry it across the lobby, I’ll say “no, I’ll just take it,” becuase it would take more time to switch the bag around and rearrange than JUST TO CARRY IT. I’m not saying “oh, you are offending me! I am a militant feminazi! Go away slimey boy!”
It’s more like… “um. that would be more inconvenient than anything. Really, I’m okay.”
It’s sort of like if someone gave you a sweater that was sixteen sizes too big. As much as you appreciate the sweater, you are probably going to exchange it at the store. In the same way, as much as I appreciate guys offering to help, there are times when it wouldn’t be that helpful, if anything, it makes life more difficult.
That’s not to say that I won’t walk through doors that guys open or if I’m holding something that is going to fall I won’t squeak “oh help!” but sometimes it’s a sort of silly chivalry that seems to be occuring more so that the guy can say “look, I am so chivalrous, ohmygoodness,” then to actually serve the women around him.
September 7th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Well done!
September 7th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
I agree with BrittLeigh, I wish chilvary were more popular. I don’t think I’ve ever even had the chance to pull a, ” Thanks, but I can manage.” line:) It’s kind of sad.
September 7th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
I have a friend (we’ll call her Jane) who absolutely refuses to let a guy open doors or do hardly anything for her. She takes it as a personal offence (and although she isn’t exactly a feminist, she really is anti-male), and I’ve tried talking to her about it. Things such as, “Jane, if you keep shutting people down like that, they’re going to think you hate them.”
And that’s the impression turning down a sincere offer gives. “No, I don’t want you to do anything for me. You’re so disgusting to me that I wouldn’t let you open a pickle jar for me, much less a door.”
That is, of course, when the offer is sincere. If the offer comes out of nothing more than a sense of “Okay, I have to do this because I’ve been told to all my life,” then it’s not sincere. That’s not chivalry to me. It’s more like going through the motions.
Furthermore, some boys do open doors for girls for no other reason than to call attention to themselves. “Look, I’m being kind and courteous to you, not because I feel any sort of love or affection for you, but because I want you to think I’m actually a gentleman.”
Excellent post!
September 7th, 2006 at 4:33 pm
Thank you for such a great post Brett! I think that this culture has really implanted into young women`s minds that men help us because they think we can`t handle it ourselves. The example you present shows prefecly how misunderstood chivalry can be. I think ladies sometimes turn down chivalry innocently too. I know that before this summer, I use to say the same line, “Oh no I got it, but thanks!” Not because I was offended, but because I didn`t really want the guy to bother himself with it. But God has definatly done a lot this summer.The Rebelution has been a great supplement for what He teaches me every day.
September 7th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
Good post, Brett. Tell you what…if you and I are ever at the same location and you want to carry something for me, I would let you in a heartbeat!
Anytime a guy does something gentlemanly, it makes me feel special and treasured in a wonderful way. I have NEVER felt “inferior” because a guy did or offered to do something for me, because I grew up with a proper understanding of what it meant. There are many very nice guys in the world, but only a few who are true gentlemen, and I always feel blessed when I meet them. In my mind, a gentlemen exhibits qualities that go beyond just opening doors for ladies, so that when he does open the door, you know he has the right motive. Of course, it’s not possible to know every guy who opens the door for you (or whatever it is he does), but in general I chose to take all actions in good faith with a “Thank You”.
This summer I went out to lunch with a group of new friends, and while everyone else had gotten their orders and sat down, I was still waiting for mine. One of the guys stood there with me, his tray in hand, the entire time until my order came. I can’t tell you how blessed I was by his observance and course of action in that matter! No, I didn’t “need” him to stand there, but it made me feel protected and cared about. Note to the guys here - if you don’t want a girl to take your actions the wrong way, practice being a gentlemen consistantly and your character will speak for you. Because I had spent some time with this guy previous and observed that he was a gentlemen, it didn’t come across as a threat of “interest”…rather, it was simply a facet of his gentlemanly and brotherly character. Later, this same guy offered to carry something for me that was merely an inconvenience, and I happily accepted, because as you so aptly pointed out, being a lady also includes letting guys serve you. Delight in it!
Sorry, I’ll get off my soapbox now, but I just love telling that story! Real gentlemen are some of the most wonderful creatures on earth.
September 8th, 2006 at 4:00 am
“Instead of merely asking to carry something for a lady and risk offending her, I say something like this, ‘Could I carry that for you? I know you could carry it by yourself, but I just want to serve you.’
When I phrase my offer this way it is remarkable how much more positively women respond. And it’s not because there’s something magical about my syntax, it’s just that I am accurately portraying chivalry, and it’s attractive.”
That absolutely makes it more attractive for a woman, instead of “Let me get that for you (because you seem too weak to do it for yourself).” Good thinking.
September 8th, 2006 at 4:26 am
Wonderful! It really is great to read a man of God’s take on this issue - thank you! I’ll be looking forward to the next installment.
September 8th, 2006 at 6:37 am
Great post, Brett! It WAS very thought-provoking!
Andrew Joyce
September 8th, 2006 at 9:07 am
For 5 months this last year I had the chance to observe a gentleman at work. I was a student at a Discipleship Training School with YWAM, and this gentleman was one of the staff. He always seemed very attentive to un-opened doors and such. I remember several times being on the city bus with him. He unfailingly gave up his seat for a standing woman or an older man, and what I liked even more was that without ever saying anything to the other guys in the school, they observed him and started following his example.
When our three months of lecture phase were over, this gentleman was one of the leaders of the outreach team I had chosen to join. Near the end of the first month of outreach I hurt my knees and was unable to carry my backpack. Who immediatly offered to carry it for me? You guessed it! For several weeks he carried not only his pack but mine, and no complaints. I did lighten it as much as I could first.
God and godly women bless the gentlemen.
September 8th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Thank you again and again for doing this series.
September 8th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
Hey guys, check out this adorable video on Taking Care of the Ladies hosted on the Vision forum website. This guy has chivalry down pat–and he’s only four years old!
I also blogged this one to tie in with your series.
September 10th, 2006 at 8:24 pm
I have to share what my mom used to do to remind my dad to open the door for her. She would either just sit in the car or stand at the door until he came back to open it for her. One night she sat in the care for almost 30 minutes before my dad asked my brother and I, “Where’s your mom?” We realized she didn’t come in with us. My brother laughed and said, “Dad, I think she’s still in the car!” Sure enough, there mom was, sitting in the car, looking out the window with a smile on her face! Dad rushed out and opened the door for her and she laughed and said. “I wanted to see how long it would take before you figured out I was still out here!” Dad said, what would of happend if I didn’t come out. She laughed and said, “I suppose I would have had to sleep out here.” Dad has never forgotten to open the door for my mom since!
September 10th, 2006 at 8:40 pm
Thanks for pointing out a new way of thinking about chivalry. Chivalry IS like a gift!
By the same token, if any guys feel discouraged by a lady’s refusal of service, remember not to give up being chivalrous, or you may “eliminate” any true ladies from your life as well.
September 12th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
Hey!
Wow I have really enjoyed reading this series! It has been great to know what I can do as a lady to help you guys in your chivilrous acts. But heres a question. What if we give the opportunitys to the guys, but they don’t take it? Why do you think that guys (especially in my schoo) don’t act like they want to be chivilrous? Here is an example of something that happened to me the other day.
I was sitting in Algebra 2 when one of the guys in my group of four asked if he could switch me seats. I asked him why and he said that he didn’t like to turn around in order to see the board. So instead he asked me to take his place and the little inconvience of turning around. The first thing that came to my mind was what you guys have been talking about. It didn’t seem right to me that he should be bothered by such a little thing and then as me (a girl) to take his discomfort so he would be perfectly content. I switched seats with him and then he just sat and drew on his notebook instead of paying attention to the lesson. Was it right that I moved? Or should I have said no to him? It was something little but I thought about how he was doing opposite of what you guys have been talking about. Anyway just wanted to see what you guys thought! Hope you are doing great! I hope I get to see you guys sometime soon!
God bless!
Lauren
September 13th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
I really appreaciate this post, but I have a question. All my life I have been overweight, so naturally I’ve been made fun of and such, so I USED to consider myself ugly. When I went ot college for the first year (a private Christian college) I noticed that all of the sudden there were gentlemen everywhere…for the other girls. Of the 30 girls I lived with on my dorm floor I saw with my own eyes each one of them get a door opened for them, something carried, etc. at least once. I, however, never had a door opened for me or something carried for me. I would love to say I’m exaggerating, but alas I’m not. I guess my question is: what is your response to that story?
September 13th, 2006 at 9:17 pm
AmandaT
This is my first time to visit this site (and it definantly won’t be my last) and this topic instantly caught my eye because this is the way in which i have been trained all my life.
Anyway i understand what you are saying and have seen it happen several times before. I think that it has to do with the real motive behind the chivalry, are they doing it just to impress or do they really care? I have seen guys open doors for certain girls because they liked them, and not others (including older ladies). I believe it is the Attitude of the Heart and not the actions that make a True Gentleman.
September 13th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
Lauren: If I were you I would have looked at him incredulously and said something like, “Excuse me? You are the guy.” Of course, that may simply be my dark side coming out. The Bible does tell everyone (both guys and girls) to serve each other, but it doesn’t really serve guys to let them act unmanly.
AmandaT: I will be responding to stories like yours in the next installment. =)
September 15th, 2006 at 5:12 am
Wow, this is such a fascinating series of articles. I never realized that chivalry was such a big deal. In the small Southern town I live in, I almost never have had open a door, when there was a guy going in at the same time. They just open the door and I go in and say, “Thanks”. It’s no big ordeal. They don’t act like they’re doing anything special and I don’t get any ideas that “Oh, he must like me”. I think that’s gentlemanliness (is that even a word?) at it’s best. Nobody thinks twice about it, because it’s become a habit. But judging from all the comments I’ve read, my experience must not be usual.
September 16th, 2006 at 10:40 am
[…] “All my life I have been overweight,” writes Amanda, in response to our recent post, The Big Misunderstanding, “I’ve been made fun of and used to consider myself ugly. When I went off to a private Christian college I noticed that all of the sudden there were gentlemen everywhere — for the other girls.” […]
September 16th, 2006 at 1:48 pm
[…] We are either part of the problem or part of the solution. By holding faithfully God’s plan for men and women, let us make this transformation. Read: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five […]
September 16th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
[…] Challenge yourself to remember that a gentleman is going against the current of our culture by fighting his self-centeredness and asking to serve you. If he’s already killed the ogre, let him open the door. Read: Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four / Part Five […]
September 20th, 2006 at 6:06 am
It is such a blessing to be able to read such an insightful and well-needed article, and then
to read also the thought-provoking responses (and to offer my own, if I wish).
September 24th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
Thank you. I really appreciate that and sympathize with the girl who’s in touch with her “inner feminist”.
October 30th, 2006 at 8:28 am
I like the gift-giving analogy. However, I don’t like the language you used to communicate your desire to help. It sounds artificial and way too serious - like you’re trying to prove something. It think it is better to temper your good intentions with humor. I’ve seen movies from the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s where a woman attempts to refuse a man’s offer to help, and he helps anyway, using a humorous line to defuse the woman’s overly-independent spirit. It’s a way of turning a woman who doesn’t appreciate you or your helping to one that’s grateful for you and your help. Humor is a great shoehorn for getting into a person’s space, and heart.
Waitsel
November 15th, 2006 at 7:54 am
I think the reason most women I know who are worth a man’s attention won’t let a man be chivalrous is that the women are trying to be nice. They feel that it is unfair to let a man take all the burden of opening/carrying/paying/etc., and if they have the ability, they think they should do their part. Such women need to read articles like this one to understand that the result of their trying to be nice comes across as a slap in the face to men. Meanwhile, men, please don’t be too discouraged; realize that quite a lot of women are so pleased with what you are doing they feel it is too great a gift to accept. Take the opportunity to teach them that it would be even worse to reject it, as several men took the time to teach me. (And I finally learned and now am married to a wonderful gentleman.)
August 5th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Nobody ever mentions (unless they did and I just didn’t read it because I’m lazy =P) that things like opening doors or carrying boxes can actually inconvenience a lady. Not always, but sometimes. Maybe she is thinking “Noooo it is easier for me to just carry it myself, I already have it in my hands and I know where I’m going.” When I hold doors open for people, I have to time it perfectly. Otherwise I actually slow them down, or else make them feel compelled to rush through.
You might say she should accept it anyway, but a real servant actually wants to be useful. Who wants to give the gift of unnecessary trouble?
October 16th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I have always been the shy quiet person in the back. I have never wanted to bother people or get in their way. My best friend has CP and so I’m always the one helping her. I feel like no one likes me but, I don’t know why. I’ve given up trying to fit in with the cliques because I was shunned every single time. Half the time if people come up to me it’s because their moms have made them. When I do go over with them they ignore me there as well. I can’t break into a conversation because I don’t want to be rude. No one notices me least of all the guys. If a guy is talking to me it’s because we’ve been assigned as partners for school. They don’t open doors for if anything they run to get in the door first so that I’m the one holding the door. The adults all feel sorry for me but to every one else I’m invisible. They talk to my best friend but not usually when I’m around. I don’t want to be invisible!
October 18th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Hannah said “I agree with BrittLeigh, I wish chilvary were more popular. I don’t think I’ve ever even had the chance to pull a, ” Thanks, but I can manage.” line:) It’s kind of sad.”
Same here. I don’t think I’ve ever had to say “Thanks, but I can get it”. I have, on the other hand, had to say “You could hold the door for me” a few times.
I wish gentlemen were more plentiful in my area.
RJ
December 2nd, 2007 at 12:48 am
It’s interesting that I’m reading this a week after Thanksgiving and an underlying theme seems to be being thankful. So, Thanks.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Oh, wow! This is awesome!! And it’s completely convicting me! I’ve been trying to accept chivalry more, but just yesterday I did that; “It’s not that heavy” thing. I was carrying a computer and asking where I could put it. A guy offered and I gave it to him, but my pride remembered to say those selfish words. Afterwords, I kicked myself! I’ve been trying not to do that! Thank you, though. This is very encouraging.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Wow that was really good. I seriously feel that way sometimes and its hard once you have been told no or something its hard to try again but this post really makes me want to go and be that servant. thanks guys
June 29th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Thank you brother! I must admit, along with a few other sisters on this post, that in the chaos of our culture influences it’s easy to respond to a gentlemanly kindness with a, “that’s ok, I’ve got it”. This is a solid small hard thing to pursue!
My heart goes out to exhort you brothers and sisters who passionately and urgently embrace the beautiful complimentary design that our Creator wove into both men and women. There’s a desperate need for rebelutionaries to answer the call to live out God’s purposed design for men and women found right from the beginning in Genesis. It’s a design God purposed, not to hinder and inconvenience, but to prosper and bless the nations through. It’s all for His glory.
Thank you Brothers. Continue pressing through and persevering in chivalry allowing your sisters opportunities to embrace their Creator’s feminine design. Thank you Sisters. Contine pressing through and persevering in exhorting and “allowing” brothers to embrace their Creator’s masculan design also. This is a foundational hard thing to become faithful in that has the potential to impact the world! You’re a rebelutionary!
As we’re serving one another in these ways, remember 1 Corinthians 10:31 “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
July 5th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I agree completely with Amanda T. “Counterfeit Chivalry” or not, it’s very easy to receive that kind of courtesy and attention as long as you’re pretty and thin. If you’re not…. I guess they expect you to be able to take care of yourself.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Chivalry is slowly becoming nonexistant in our culture. guys have steadily been giving the message that only the”cute” girls deserve chilvilry. ouch!! Im a sixteen year old guy, and it has been discouraging to see that girls now think that someone opening a door for them is like a pickup line. I guess I just want to encourage all the guys out there who are holding the doors, just to have someone walk through the other one.
July 22nd, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I’ve gotten that, “it’s okay, I can handle it,” thousands of times. I’ll try the “I know you can do it yourself, but I’d like to help,” tactic .
September 12th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Brett,
I have just started reading your articals on chivalry and I just love them! Just one thing though, you might want to be careful if you say something like,”I just want to serve you” because many girls might take it the wrong way. It is probably better to say something like Jared said,”But I want to help”.Thanks.
Sarah