VICTORIA WRITES: After falling in love with a boy, and then watching him date my friend, I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I was depressed, then mad, then okay, then sad, and so on.
A couple times, I surrendered him to the Lord — trusting in God’s perfect plan for my life, and then, a couple days later, forgot, and was sad again.
I want to be done. My flesh wants to just give in, and stop trying to be okay, and not in love. But, my spirit knows that I need to trust God, and wait for the future husband that He has for me.
Anyone else experienced this? Any advice for me?
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Oh, gosh! I think we’ve all been here before. 😉 Honestly, I haven’t found a good way yet….so I’m looking forward to seeing everyone’s posts! 😁 =)
Oh, one more thing:
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
This is my favorite verse!
I totally get it!
It seems to me that you’ve been doing the right thing: trusting in God, surrendering to Him, praying. Jesus knows all our struggles; however, sometimes it just takes time and patience. Sometimes we can’t control the way we feel, and yes, we all have those moments where we’re like, God, will it ever end?
But the truth of it is that it won’t happen quickly. Keep pursuing God, reading your Bible, shepherding your own heart, and talking to other believers, many of whom have probably been in the same or similar situations. There’s no perfect chemical equation for this (there is never one), but if it’s God’s will for you, you can be sure that it will eventually happen.
Maybe you could write a letter to your future husband or something like that, saying that you’re waiting for him.
And trust me, you are NOT alone 🙂
So, are you Rachel Schaus? Or another Rachel S.? (I just don’t see a profile picture, so I am not sure either way).
Oh, I’m another Rachel S. 🙂 I haven’t popped on here for a while and I guess I should probably put a profile pic, huh…
I saw this conversation and thought I ought to introduce myself.
I’m the other Rachel, but I think there Are quite a few of us on here 🙂
I’m going through this right now. This guy and I liked each other (or something like that – we had talked about our relationship) for about three and a half years – most of my time in high school. Of course, he’s two years older than me, so he went to college before I did. (I was at my community college doing dual enrollment getting my AS, so I felt like I was mature and in the same part of my life as he was, so it wasn’t weird.) Long story short, I found out this February – after two months of me doubting if we were still the same as always and him making it seem like we were, 3-hour-long Skype calls and all – that he’s been in a relationship with a girl on his campus since Christmas. The whole school and his family knew about it. I had to find out from his sister.
It’s been hard, but I’ve grown a lot from it. I’ve learned about myself and relationships in a way I don’t think I would have without this.
It takes time.
You have to heal.
But one morning, you wake up, and you realize: God has a beautiful love story written for me. He’s out there.
Hi Anonymous , I’m Anonymous. #thisissoconfusing.
I know exactly how it is. You want to forget, but you can’t, because the person comes to your mind every time. I’m going through this too, so I am trying to forget focusing in God, reading the Bible and focusing in other importants things to me. We will overcome this =).
I might be going though this right now…it’s confusing. Anyway, I know even when you tell yourself it will be okay because God has you, that doesn’t always work. Sometimes, we can be so worked up that the typical reassurance doesn’t always work. Remember Jeremiah 29:11 and pray a lot. God will get you though this, but there might be a lesson to be learned first. For me, I have learned so much by trying to get over someone who used to be a good friend of mine. Praying for you! : )
Hey Victoria,
When I was 11 years old, I had my first crush.
Then another at 13 years old.
And another at 15 years old.
Each time, it ended differently.
The first time, I got it into my head to write some… well… explicit content in a fictional story I was writing. I put her name as one of the characters and she showed her dad because she saw it was “disturbing”.
Writing that was one of the worst things I ever did. Because of that, the truth was exposed and I was shattered.
But I am grateful to her for doing that. It was the wakeup call I needed.
The second time, I had a crush on a high school senior. Haha. I was still in middle school (8th grade). I didn’t tell her until she left for college. I gave her a letter to read later. (Terrible choice). Eventually my feelings for her faded. Though I haven’t seen her more then once or twice since and we never discussed it. That stunk. But it was more gradual.
Lastly, it was with a girl closer to my age. And she liked me back. We never admitted we were close as a boyfriend/girlfriend, but really that’s what we were, without it being official and without ever kissing.
But I decided to gradually break it off because we were too close for it to be healthy. It took a while for me to get over that.
So, I sort of understand where you’re coming from, my friend. This is my small piece of advice:
Pray pray pray and know that if God wants you to be together, it will happen. And if not, your feelings will change. Just pray, think, and act as if God knows best…. Because he does, and he loves you. 😀
First of all, God doesn’t make mistakes. He wasn’t distracted one day and you fell for a guy he didn’t mean for you to have, and now he’s scratching his head trying to figure out what to do about it. I promise you, he know’s what he’s doing.
And everything we go through is to make us the people he wants us to be. Just because we don’t understand, or the emotions we’re dealing with don’t make sense to us, doesn’t mean they aren’t part of God’s really big, really awesome scheme. Speaking from experience, this will change your life. You won’t ever forget it, but you can also recover, and be the stronger for it. Don’t beat yourself up over the time you need to take to heal, and ask God what HE wants you to learn from this.
well put @disqus_lqJFqcQpTy:disqus 🙂
“DITTO” to all you wrote 🙂
& to all @veronicabeemiller:disqus wrote about Praying our way through it, really helps us to grow and learn through the experience 🙂
It is good to be reminded that God has every thing in His plan for our best Rom 8:28
Hey, Victoria! I totally, completely, absolutely know how you feel!!!
There’s a girl I like, and for some reason I feel like crying but I’m not depressed. Just last night at our church, she came to my church(but she normally goes to a different church). I was glad at that! But I was shaking really hard. My other friend even noticed how much I was shaking. Even after the girl I like left, I was still shaking violently. Like, you probably would’ve thought I had hypothermia because I was shaking so bad.
I love talking to her, and I love her, but since the world almost never works the way we would prefer, she doesn’t like me back. I’m of course discouraged by this, but none-the-less, I love simply being her friend and leaving it at that.
Here’s my message to you (and I know this is pretty cliche, but TOTALLY true): If God doesn’t want you to be with that particular boy, then that’s just how it’s meant to be. I don’t mean to be a party-pooper, but things almost never work out the way we want, even if we put our whole effort into it.
Don’t worry too much about it. I’ve learned that there are more important things than romantic love (at this age). Wait for the right moment to start looking for a guy. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t crush on people, because you can’t really help that.
I don’t know how old you are, but I’ll wager you’re still pretty young. Maybe too young to date. Dating works out for some people at one age, while it goes terrible for another couple at the same age.
I myself have had a taste of dating. Let’s just say I don’t want to date again until I’m at least 17-18. Love comes with many, many hardships and struggles. It does feel great and you feel all happy, but until you get older and mature enough to handle it, love isn’t worth the pain. Even after a year, a part of me is never the same. I made a HUGE mistake of dating a girl, and it ended in us being separated without even a goodbye…
So just wait. The right dude will come in God’s own time. You’ll know when that is. Just pray, talk to people you trust, and follow God.
-Carson Sheppard
“In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.” Eph. 1:11-12
Maybe this comment will be old hat, but I want to encourage you to keep fighting hard. I had a friend and he and I liked each other for around 3 years, since I was about 13. We were best friends for that entire time, and were trying really hard (and failing really miserably) to be wise in every action and word toward each other. At the beginning of the summer last year we started trying to cut back on the amount of time we spent together and we really put a stop to a lot of foolery that was going on. Out of that we were drawn apart, and he eventually expressed disinterest in me. I saw it coming, but it still hurt so much. Like you, I was angry and sad and hurt and hopeless and trying to hold on all at the same time. I tried to avoid thinking about him as much as I could, but I eventually realized that avoiding the problem doesn’t fix it. So I started to pray. All the time, constantly. Every time I thought about that boy I would pray for him, and for me, and for our friendship (Which was basically nonexistent). And I prayed that I would take every thought captive, and give my heart to JESUS FIRST. It was hard going, and I can’t honestly say that everything is “ok” even now. It still hurts sometimes. Sometimes I absolutely wish I could just hide under a rock until “the right guy” appears in front of me. But I know that the Lord is everything I need to live, and He isn’t going anywhere.
But that’s what our goal is, right? To give Jesus the first place. To make Him be above every person in our lives, including our crushes. I would encourage you to pray, constantly, consistently. And keep yourself accountable, to your mom and your sisters in Christ and your best friends. You need the Church backing you up, and you need people who will show you Jesus and lead you to His cross where you can lay down ALL your burdens.
I don’t know you, but I love you, sister. Keep running the race set before us. Jesus is our prize.
Great advice, Laura. 🙂 Jesus first. Pray constantly. Take every thought captive. This is the formula for making it through life, but it seems especially relevant when talking about crushes.
Honestly, I’ve wondered the same thing growing up. I had feelings for this girl for a good 3 1/2 years and they’d never. Go. Away. I’d pray that they would be removed, but they weren’t. Then all of a sudden the Lord showed me something negative about her character and things flipped like a coin. It actually turns out that when the Lord removed those feelings, it was to protect me from hurt that would have come about later (like, hardly even a month later).
All that to say, I’ve come to understand that sometimes the Lord simply wants us to trust Him in the midst of our feelings. He may not take away that crush. For me, I hated having a crush! It distracted me from Christ; it made me feel depressed all the time!
Even so, I had to learn to trust Him in the midst of it, knowing, “Okay, this probably isn’t a good match for a wife for me. But whatever my feelings, I know that He will provide a suitable help meet and I will love her far more than any of the feelings I have toward this person.”
Maybe the crush goes away. Maybe it doesn’t. Yet our responsibility is no different: trust God. Ultimately, we must always evaluate a person based on their character, walk with Christ, and qualities in being a wife/mother or husband/father. Having a crush is not a sin. But it can easily lead to some bad choices. We have to be very careful what control we allow our feelings to have on what we think, say, and do.
One last thing I’ll add: Kinda like what Trent was saying, I would highly advise to not express your feelings to the other person if you’re not ready for marriage (I say marriage specifically for a reason; and even if you’re ready, there’s a completely different way I’d suggest!). It’s just a bad idea, plain and simple. It almost always ends in disaster.
To prevent this comment from ending on that note, I’ll say that feelings come and go. It may not seem like it, but they really do. Yet the Lord’s plan for us will not pass away, and it is far better than we can imagine! We need only love Him (Romans 8:28). 🙂
I have been in this situation a few times. It is hard to get over a guy, but it is also freeing when you realize that you are free from trying to impress him, or catch his eye, even if you didn’t realize that you were trying to do that.
I would recommend that every time you think of him, pray for him. Pray that God would bless him in his life, pray that God would help you to “get over him”, just pray. Also spend time with God. A lot of time. Maybe find a good Christian non-fiction book that focuses on healthy relationships with guys and your relationship with God. (Get Lost by Dannah Gresh looks like a really good book, though I haven’t read it myself yet) I know it is hard, but God will help you heal from all your downhill emotions.
So, I had a crush on a guy when I was 11.
It lasted until I was 14.
To me, he was “perfect”. I thought I’d probably marry him. I thought we were “meant to be”. We liked the same things, and got along well.
Little did I know, he liked someone else. At first, I didn’t care. (At 11 and 12 years old, I had no idea how to deal with a crush.) But after a while, my affections for him grew. And it was hard, seeing my friend be “just friends” (but more than that) with him.
So I battled with it. I prayed I’d get over him. And although this may seem weird and won’t work for everyone, I prayed a specific way.
I prayed that if we were meant to be, God would make me like him more. And if we weren’t, then I’d be less attracted to him. Then I decided I would not pursue him and I wouldn’t tell him I liked him, because I was (barely) smart enough to know that I was too young to do anything. (He did find out, though, but was assured that I was over him by my great friend, and he’s totally cool with it now.)
I started separating my mental image of my future husband from this guy.
I learned that true love can’t come from a human relationship.
I’m gonna quote myself from a blog post I wrote. 😛
“There is a love that I have found – true love – it goes deeper than any human love. Regardless of my performance, I am reached. Despite my everyday failures, I am pursued. This love died for me and is the only love that can satisfy. What love have I found? The perfect love of God.”
http://scatteredjournalpages.com/2015/03/03/what-is-true-love/
It wasn’t easy to get over him. But the biggest thing that helped me was knowing that a human relationship wouldn’t “cure” me. I’m already loved. And if I’m not satisfied with God’s perfect and everlasting love for me, how could I ever be completely satisfied with someone’s human love?
God bless!
Amanda
Wow, I love that point you made at the end! I think a lot of people enter into a relationship thinking that they’ll find significance in it, but that’s just not true. God’s love is the only perfectly satisfying love that we will ever feel. Great quote too 😛
Thanks Eva 🙂
Me too! Glad to know i”m not the only weird one over here…
I agree. And it won’t always “work”, but I needed to focus my attention elsewhere.
Victoria,
First of all, let me say, as others have said, you are not
alone. What you are feeling is natural – and you’re asking the right questions,
doing the right things. Keep praying, sometimes how you feel has nothing to do
with what is real and you just have to push on through and trust God to see you
through even though you don’t see the end.
***Warning: Long Post Ahead!***
My name is also Victoria
(though I go by Tori) and I’m so glad you asked this question. I totally relate
to where you are. When I went through the same thing, it took years to get
over. I prayed over and over again that God would use what I went through to
minister to someone else. Today, when I saw your question, I knew I had to
share some of what I’ve learned. There’s so much more I have written from those
years and so much more I could say right now, but I’ve cut it down (haha) to a
basic overview and a list of what I found to be helpful. (Hence, the Long Post Warning.)
If you want to talk more, please feel
free to e-mail me at torilynn92(at)rocketmail(dot)com.
I had a major crush on a guy and a few months later he
started dating a mutual friend. I gave myself the runaround. I knew all the
right answers but, like you said, the rollercoaster of emotions wouldn’t stop.
It was a long and hard road getting over him. It wasn’t a sudden victory. It
was one step forward, five steps back, kind of thing. It was constantly
wondering if maybe he and his girlfriend would break up, and he would somehow
come running to me. It was constantly reminding myself that God had a bigger
plan, that I was being selfish and petty to wish for such things. It was
constant prayer that God would pull me through, for His glory, and some how use
this experience for good. And, oh! the good that came out of it. I learned how
to truly “pray without ceasing,” I journaled nightly and kept up a running
conversation with God throughout the day. I turned every thought of the
situation into prayer, sometimes about the situation and my emotions and other
times about other things and people. I also found, for me personally, that
dropping all fiction (especially romantic) books and movies helped. Discovering
that I’d wasted so much time on fictional thoughts and daydreams – even
daydreams about what our future could be – was another wakeup call. I realized
that I needed to learn how to focus on people right now, where they are rather
than dwelling on a future ideal – or worse hiding away in a world full of made
up characters. And then one day, as I was about to pray, middle of the
afternoon, nothing out of the ordinary, it seemed as though the final thread of
romantic attachment I’d had pulled free, and I learned, once again, that “he
whom the Son sets free, is free indeed!”
Here are a few things that I found
helpful when I had a crush:
a) Tell
God and trust Him. Surrender any thoughts of your crush completely to Him. He
knows whether or not this young man will be your future husband and He will
work all things out “for the good of those that love Him and are called
according to His purpose.” What I found most helpful was to talk to God
continually throughout the day. It really helped me keep my thoughts on “true, noble,
right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy” things. I got to a
point where every time I thought anything, I would instantly turn it into a
prayer. Through that I grew closer to God and became more sensitive to His
Spirit’s leading.
b) Tell
your parents or another mature, godly adult you trust, definitely not someone
your own age. We tend to think in the same way our friends do. And often that can
lead us astray. Older [than we are] people/our parents are almost always much
wiser than we are (or think we are). (1 Kings 12:1-24 illustrates my point)
When I had my first crush it took me almost a month to work up the courage to
tell my parents. But when I did I realized it was the best thing I could’ve
done. When I first admitted I had a crush, I freaked out. To me it seemed
almost sinful to like a guy in that way and it scared me. My mom and dad both
talked with me and helped me see the truth. I am so thankful for their wisdom.
My parents told me it wasn’t sinful to have those thoughts it was what I did
with them that mattered. That I needed to do as 2 Corinthians 10:5 says and
“take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
c) Do
not tell your friends. It will only prolong your crush if you continue to talk
about him. If you trust your best friend enough, you may want to tell her. Just
know it may set you up for some unnecessary – and unneeded – teasing. But you
also may get a good accountability partner. It’s a judgment call you will have
to make based on what you sense God is telling you.
d) Treat
the guy in the same manner you would any other guy, as a brother in Christ. Be
careful not to show your feelings or flirt. Remember “…love is kind… It does
not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking… Love does not delight in evil
[including evil thoughts] but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-6
Great advice!!! Thanks for sharing!
@victoriamarse:disqus, I used to go to the same church as you and your family a really long time ago. 😉 I don’t know if you would remember me or not. 😉 Glad to see you on here though.
Hi, Hannah. I do remember you. 🙂 it’s nice to see you 🙂
fake it till you make it, girl. This may not work for you, but it worked for me. Don’t pretend to be over him. But do tell yourself that you’re okay with your situation. You’re going through something that everybody goes through, and you’re okay with that. You’re keeping your chin up. And eventually, you will find it to be true. Just throw yourself wholeheartedly into life. Enjoy your times with the people God has given you to spend time with. laugh loudly and with abandon. Or if you’re more of a shy type, laugh the way you like to, lol. What I’m trying to say is, don’t let life pass you by because of what you’re going through right now. I know its hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you just have to hang on. It’s hard to get over a crush, but I am praying that God will show you the sunshine and light in your life, and that you will come out this with a smile on your face, realizing that hey, this guy doesn’t really matter much to you anymore.
When I was in high school, I had a pretty serious crush on this guy a little older than me. He started hanging out with this other girl and I was really upset. I had obsessed about him for long enough that I wished this other girl was out of the picture. One night I was daydreaming and I imagined her dying. That was a serious reality check for me. I realized that I was being incredibly selfish about the whole thing.
So I thought, what is love, really? 1 Corinthians 13 says that love “does not seek its own.” I realized that if I really loved someone, it meant that I should want what was best for them regardless of what that meant for me. And so ever since any time I have a crush I focus on what would be best for that person, not for myself. I pray for them, as others have said; but when they’re with someone else, I specifically pray for that relationship. I ask that God would work things out for the best for both of them.
Also, I avoid daydreaming about the could’ve beens. Daydreams create an alternate reality that feels really appealing (duh, you created it). But when you let yourself start living in that reality instead of the real world, and keep on fantasizing about this person, you won’t be able to get over them. So any time I catch myself daydreaming, I get up and take a jog or hit the gym. The physical exertion helps to clear your mind. And personally, I feel it’s easier to pray and I’m more receptive to God when I’m physically active. Cooking also helps clear my mind, but I stress eat so it doesn’t work if I’m upset, haha.
Ultimately, I think it mostly takes time. Just keep your mind focused on others and not yourself and use it as a learning experience.
Welcome to The Rebelution, Bee! Great comment!
Thanks for this Bee, I found your comment really good
“…love “does not seek its own.” I realized that if I really loved someone,
it meant that I should want what was best for them regardless of what
that meant for me…” 🙂
And I love your example of focusing your physical energy into something -like hitting the gym 😛
Praying our way through it, really helps us to grow and learn through the experience
All I have to say is “DITTO” to yours & @disqus_lqJFqcQpTy:disqus ‘s comment, God has every thing in His plan for our best Rom 8:28
🙂
Hi Victoria!! Yes, I can relate! And there is soooo much I’ve learnt that I could write. Let me first, though, just link to a post I wrote that might explain a bit of what I think regarding crushes and dealing with them: http://purelyhis-bringinghimglory.blogspot.com.au/2014/10/a-converstation-and-subsequent.html
Here are some other thoughts:
1) Keep submitting to God! That’s the BEST THING YOU CAN EVER DO!! Take your feelings to Him, and saturate yourself in truth, no matter if you feel it or not.
2) Don’t indulge your feelings! Keep strong! As you said, your flesh just wants to let go, but we must keep fighting! Don’t let this guy take primary position in your heart. Don’t fantasise about him. It’s so very very hard, but you can do it in Christ’s strength!
3) Remember that this is not forever! This feeling WILL pass. Look to the future. You will not be stuck here for the rest of your life. It might take a month. It might take a year. It might take five years. But it WILL pass.
4) If you can, look for flaws in the guy. I know it sounds weird, but often crushes are associated with idolising the guy and thinking he can do no wrong. Looking for stuff that you wouldn’t want in a future husband may help, crazy as it sounds.
Also, to you and everyone else commenting: I encourage you to be careful how you use the word ‘love.’ Crushes are not love. Love is a choice, not a feeling. A few other people have quoted 1 Corinthians 13 (@veronicabeemiller:disqus @victoriamarse:disqus), and they’re right. Love is selfless. Crushes are all about MY feelings and what I could gain. Etc etc. So please, just be thoughtful in how you use ‘love.’ 🙂
I had to track this comment down and upvote it… Excellent points! And you’re totally right about love being different than a crush. Love has become, in modern culture, an undefined word that is completely misunderstood.
Thank you Nathan!
“Anyone else experienced this? Any advice for me?” Yes, and yes. Like you, I had also given it over to the Lord, but, with time, had “taken it back” from the Lord. So the secret for me was to give it to the Lord and leave it with Him (even though it can be painful) and ask Him to help me to leave it with Him.
Read I Kissed Dating GoodBye by Joshua Harris, he explains a lot of things like this in his book.
I always pray for this girl, but I always say to myself, “STUDY FIRST! Your family isn’t rich and your little sister is going to college too”.
I leave it to God and I’m currently enjoying my walk with God as a student. single and available (lol).
Hi Victoria,
I recently had a guy turn me down too. I know it’s not fun, and a lot of times it can be disappointing. But I keep a couple things in mind when I start to feel blue:
1. That person, wonderful as they are, doesn’t control every happy aspect of my life. I can still enjoy life even if they aren’t a part of it.
2. We can still be friends. The day after he told me he didn’t like me, we got together. And guess what? It was exactly like it normally was when we hang out. 🙂
3. I was a little obsessed with him. I don’t know about you, but I spent a lot of time talking about the guy I liked and thinking about him. Now that I think less about him, I’ve had time to focus on other things that I feel God calling me to contemplate.
4. God always has a plan. And he will put people in your life to help you serve him well. Proverbs 3:6 says, “Seek God’s will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take” 🙂
Hi Victoria,
You’re definitely not alone in this. I have been in a similar situation, and I’m sure many others have too. I had a crush on a guy for three years, and he ended up marrying another girl. It was hard at the time, but now I can see that God was really working everything out for the best. The guy and girl are perfect for each other, and the guy would not have been the best for me. God knows what He’s doing. He desires the best for you, and the best for your friends. He wants to give you wisdom about how to deal with a crush. Ask Him specifically, He knows what you specifically need. I did this, and He’s giving me some realizations and tools that are helping me fight crushes.
(Please bear in mind that not all specific solutions work for all people. Principles, like love is seeking the best for the other person, remain the same. But the HOW looks different depending on the person. That’s why it’s important to talk with God and wise godly mentors about it.)
I used to try deal with crushes on my own, usually by denying that it existed for as long as possible, and not admitting those feelings even to myself. But lately God has been showing me that He created emotions, and they’re not evil in and of themselves. If we’re in Christ, our emotions have been redeemed too. God wants to work through the emotions WITH us. So I’ve realized that if I have feelings towards a guy, I shouldn’t suppress them; rather, I should admit and submit them to God. That means telling God how I feel, and then looking at God’s loving character and realizing that He does know best. Then I can leave those feelings in His hands. (Sometimes it feels like I have to do this 100 times in one day.)
Also, I learned that a lot of my crushes were based on daydreams, imagining what this guy was like, or founded on my selfish fantasies. I found that once I actually get to know a guy in real life, there’s less room for fantasy, and therefore less room for crushes. So this might sound a bit counterintuitive, but in my life I’ve realized that a crush can be combatted by actually getting to know the guy more. This is what happened with the story of the guy I liked who got married. During their engagement, and since then, I’ve realized more and more how we weren’t suited for each other, and how God was working everything out for good.
Finally, give it time. Be persistent with submitting your crush to God. A crush generally won’t be uprooted overnight, so don’t worry if you still have to re-submit everything to God yet again. It’s a beautiful thing that you want to keep your eyes focused on God. Don’t worry about the fact that you got distracted; as soon as you realize your distraction, turn back to God. In time, the distractions will become less, and you’ll be able to focus on God longer. Press on! You can do this, because God is with you!
Yes, yes, and yes! Love your points, @lyndabethcave:disqus. Especially about not denying emotions, but working through them with God, submitting them to Him.
Thank you, Cassie.
Love is the willful commitment to the good of another person. Think about why you like this guy so much. Then think about the biblical model of relationships and see if they match up. Ask some adults too. They’ve been there before.
Sometimes you do just really genuinely like someone and they don’t think twice about you. It’ll take time and discipline to sort yourself out but don’t feed the crush or it will take longer and hurt more. You’re still young. There’s no hurry.
‘”I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for a future and a hope.”‘ – Jeremiah 29:11
This verse I find really helpful whenever my will and God’s will are opposing. I know people who have struggled with similar experiences as you. They said though, that in the end they were more than thankful that the relation they thought seemed perfect didn’t work out. It may hurt to see your friend dating someone you had a crush on. Despite that fact, still try to be friends with her. Pray also that the Lord will help heal your wounds. And remember: God’s plans are always better than our own. Hope this helps!
P.S. Don’t let it ruin your friendship with the friend he’s dating. No matter how you feel about him, she was your friend before any of this.
You can’t seek out God. God seeks you out. So it’ll be obvious to you who your future husband/wife will be. Also remember, we’re not created just to live, we were created to glorify God. So (no matter in what circumstance), make God #1 priority. God will bless you with someone if you put him first. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” – Romans 12:2
Yes! Glorifying God needs!!! to come first! Thank you Benjamin! 🙂
Yup. Thanks for the reply Sadie;)
OK, so I posted something last night but after thinking on it some would like to say a little more:
Get to know this person.
Not as “That REALLY cute guy/girl”.
But as a friend.
Ok, so you might be saying “Josh, you’ve obviously never had a crush. You can’t just TALK to someone you have a crush on! I’d melt or something!”
But that’s kind of the point. If you have such a crush on this person you can’t even talk to them, then you’ve objectified them! They’re no longer a person, they’re a cute object to fantasize about or whatever (sounds harsh, I know, but it’s true). Make sense?
This also helps (at least for me) with lust. When you get to know a girl, they become less of an object to be stared at and more of a human being.
Hope this helps! =D
-Josh
I’m with Sam. Great point, man!
YES! Most of the time, when I get to know someone I like, I start to wonder why I had a crush on them in the first place.
Of course, that whole melting thing is pretty hard to get past. 😛
Ouch, yes.
Totally agree!!
@programguy:disqus @nathantasker:disqus @Kittenese:disqus @mimeforjesus:disqus @disqus_XzHNXc0WxX:disqus thanks! =)
Wow, that was really helpful! Seriously, communication is super-duper important. Great comment, Josh 🙂
so true and to add to that read the bible to see what god say’s about what to look for in a spouse then look at your crush and see what god say’s about them 😛 good luck
First, I wanna say that you’re brave to pursue surrendering your feelings. It’s a hard thing. A lot of people don’t want to do this because of the level of difficulty it brings!
And second, I know exactly how you feel.
I’ve had some bad “crush habits”. I’ve only had a few solid crushes in my life, each one lasting about 3 years. Man, I would fall SO HARD.
I couldn’t figure out what my problem was. Sometimes I wanted to stop feeling that way because it didn’t feel good, and other times it felt really good and I didn’t want to stop. But over the past year and a half I have stood and said, “This IS unhealthy. I will do something about it.”
One thing I knew I was doing wrong was fantasizing. Nothing bad or dirty, but just dreaming up scenarios in my head of how he would swoop me off my feet, fall hard for me, ect. I dreamed up the perfect guy without really knowing him. Half of the reason I was crushing on him was because of his perfect personality that I assumed he had.
So how do you fight it off? God and accountability. God WILL help you, and sometimes he does that by providing you with a Godly young leader to talk to. Sharing your feelings can be scary, I know. But having someone there to hold you accountable to your feelings truly is wise and tremendously helpful.
One last thing. A book that has really helped me is Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl by Paula Hendricks. I think every teenage girl should read it. The book has helped me to surrender my feelings to God and pursue purity.
Wow… you said perfectly everything I think!!
Oh, thanks! I was hoping it would make sense. Sometimes I ramble on and on. 🙂
Like everybody else on here, I can empathize with how you’re feeling. Falling in love is one of the most beautiful things that can ever happen to us as humans, but when the feeling isn’t mutual it is one of the hardest things to accept.
I’m 18 and have had 3 serious crushes in my lifetime (like REALLY serious). Not a one worked out the way I wanted them to at the time, but since then I have realized something very important: if they didn’t like me the same way I liked them it was never going to work out. This may seem both obvious and harsh, but it’s the truth. No matter how much I wish I could, I’m never going to be able to change their mind about how they feel about me.
Leaving it like this wouldn’t really help, you already knew all of this and frankly it doesn’t help with your being depressed. Therefore allow me to shed some hope on the subject, there is someone out there who was literally made to be your perfect match. It may be someone you know right now, it may be someone you’ve yet to meet, but regardless there is a guy out there somewhere who God is preparing to fall for you. And trust me, when you find this man there will be no regrets about your past crushes.
So been there! It’s horrible to look through this thread see how many hearts have been hurt! But God is the great healer. And I can see He is at work.
So, Victoria. I’ve been through something very similar. Although I’ve been easily interested in guys since I was 13 and things have never worked out, the latest situation completely broke me.
I started getting interested in a guy when I started going to my young adult Bible study. All evidence showed he might be interested in me, as well. Well. As much evidence as frequently flirting could possibly be.
In any case I fell hard. I really loved him and little tiny things would remind me of him every day.
But here’s the thing.
It took less than a few days of liking him to know it was not God’s will.
The biggest reason for this? Because of the way I felt around him, and the person I was with him, I was willing to push aside my God-given calling and every dream I had of bringing Him glory to be with this young man.
Let me tell you true, as far as I’ve noticed, God does not like it when even though you know what His will isn’t you continue to pursue it instead.
Usually things don’t work so well.
Like with this guy at my young adult group? He began to act like a couple with this other girl.
And it broke me.
After a whole spring and summer of liking this guy and praying against God’s will that He’d let me have him this happened. And it threw me into depression for about 3 months. Those were without a doubt the worst 3 months of my life.
However, I experienced God’s healing in a way I never would have if I’d never been through that experience.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18.
So here’s my advice to you.
Surrender.
Test the spirits. If this is the man for you no doubt God will tell you. Pray about it. If it’s not His will, or if His will is you two be a “not yet” and God wants you to wait, then the answer will either be no or there will be no clear answer. You have to trust God in this.
More than that, obey Him. This is ultimately important–for your well being. Continuing to like this guy and cling to whatever you imagined having with him or whatever the two of you may have had in the past will hurt you more. If God says let go it will only be better for you to do it sooner than later.
Pray. Take solace in God. And you will experience His healing. I’m really certain of this.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this Victoria! God bless you! I hope to hear from you sometime as to how you’re doing! And I hope you’ll start doing much better soon!
Idolatry: when someone/ something is your first love rather than God
Inter-human relationships, such as marriage, aren’t idolatry. Having a crush on a person isn’t putting someone or something before God.
It COULD be, but definitely isn’t always. It was for me and I really had to fight to kill my idolatry. I don’t know all about Victoria’s case, but in situations like this we definitely need to examine ourselves and make sure we’re not in sin.
I hardly think having a crush on someone is sinning. Just because you like that person a lot, or even love them doesn’t mean you’re putting them higher than God.
You can love (agape) a person here on earth while still putting Christ at the head of your life.
Yes, Christian, but many of us DO put someone ahead of God when we have a crush. I know that I did. The feelings aren’t sin, but if we idolise the person (e.g. by fantasising a lot, acting to get their attention all the time instead of to glorify God, dressing to please them not God, or something else), then that is sin. Maybe not all crushes include idolatry. Maybe yours didn’t. That’s good! But I know mine did, and by the sounds of it, a lot of other people here would say the same. As @laura_unashamed:disqus said, we need to take a good look at ourselves and determine IF we are sinning. Maybe we aren’t. But maybe we are.
So where do you draw the line? Must we limit how much affection we show to others out of fear that we might be placing them above God? Is it not possible to love another human unconditionally while still having God on the alter of your life? There doesn’t’ have to be a conflict of interests.
Christian, I think we agree more than you realise. I 100% agree with the statement, ‘There doesn’t have to be a conflict of interests.’ That’s true. I’m not disputing that, all I am trying to point out is that, in select cases, there MIGHT/COULD be a conflict of interests. Would you agree that idolatry in a crush is possible, although not certain?
As for ‘where to draw the line,’ I think we know pretty clearly in our own hearts if we’re committing idolatry, at least after a good think and pray about it. If we truly ask God to ‘search me and know my heart, test me and know my thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,’ then I believe He will show us if there is any idolatry in our hearts.
@Taylor B I saw you upvote Christian’s comment. Do you want to add anything to this discussion? (Cool if not, but you’re most welcome too!)
Yeah I know what you’re saying, I was more still addressing the original comment that seemed to be implying that simply having a crush was idolatry.
Ah, right. Well, I disagree that having a crush = idolatry, so looks like we agree! 🙂
No, there definitely does not need to be a conflict of interests. If Jesus is our priority, there won’t be any.
My original point in this discussion was that we must examine ourselves. We cannot become comfortable with ourselves… our flesh is evil, even if we are reconciled to God.
So no, crushes are NOT sinful. But in certain cases, sin is very much present. So we need to be careful that we are not idolizing our crushes. And yes, in some cases, I just need to back off from a particular person and draw closer to God.
Jesus is more important than my crush.
Having a crush ISN’T sinning. It’s when you get totally obsessed and put them before God. It is possible to have a crush without it getting out of hand. And I agree, agape love doesn’t get in the way of God in your life.
I definitely agree. I mean, if we didn’t love one another at all, THAT would be sin. But like I said before, we still need to examine ourselves to make sure that the person we like isn’t becoming an idol. We need to be sure that we aren’t thinking about that person or talking about that person more than we’re meditating on the Word of God.
If you spend more time thinking about or obsessing about someone or anything more than God, it is idolatry. That includes people, things, activities, hobbies, etc.
Wow, everyone has such great advice on this, I’ll just add one thing more. I don’t remember where I got this idea, but you can choose someone else to pray for whenever you start thinking about this guy. It takes your thoughts away from the guy and makes you think about God. I pray for my sister, who isn’t walking with God. You might pray for a friend of yours, I don’t know.
One thing I wouldn’t recommend is praying for the guy and his future wife. I’ve seen that suggested, but then you end up thinking about the guy even more — believe me, I speak from experience.
Yes yes yes! Great idea, I love it!
You just can’t decide what your name is! Lol 🙂 good answer.
haha 🙂 Well, I changed back for one day, because somebody was saying how he really missed the mime. Then everyone was like “MFJ’s back!!! XD” and then I decided I should stay as MimeforJesus.
YES!! This is my life (well not really, but y’all know what I mean)!
I’ve always had crushes on boys all my life, I hid my feelings well though. They were all infatuations until I had hit age 12 or 13. I started thinking ” What if no guy will ever want to date me and I’ll be single for the rest of my life?” I felt left behind when most girls in my 8th grade class were dating. It made me doubt myself as a child of God, because I felt like my worth was dependant on my physical appearance.
Then I started having crushes on guys who were older than me (like by 4-5 years). They were kind, compassionate, chivalrous and yes, handsome. They had hearts for the Lord and His people. But after a while I realized that they only looked at me as a younger sister in Christ and nothing more. I was crushed (haha no pun intended) when I came to that realization.I became angry at God, because I wanted someone to confide in, someone to make me feel like my inward beauty mattered and someone that would hold me when I was hurt and say “I love you.”
I wrote all this down in my journal, with some angry things towards God. I asked Him “Why? I just don’t understand.”
“We aren’t always meant to,” He said to me. The truth is He revealed that the love that I was looking for, that person I could confide in was in Him alone. Our identity is not found in relationships with other people, it is found in Him. So I began writing letters to my future husband. I also wrote long journal entries to God explaining how I felt. I wrote letters to my brothers in Christ that I had a crush on telling them how much I admire and look up to them (I never sent them).
Victoria, how beautiful is our father and his all sufficient grace, love and peace for us. We don’t always understand, and thats ok. We aren’t always meant to.
Amen, sister!
Thanks! I think I write too much though:)
NO WAY! 🙂 That comment isn’t too long, and you always write awesome stuff.
Thank you! That means a lot. I hope to submit a story sometime to the Reb. By the way, are you on Revive?
That would be awesome!! I’ll look forward to it. 🙂
Yes, I am! In fact, I’m on right now…
Are you on Revive?
I just signed up!!
Awesome!!! I’ll go follow you…
I was like, “OMG this is like Facebook!!!! Yes!!!” I am super excited.
We all thought that too!!! Yep, it’s pretty awesome.
Wait… are you ‘Kate Ito?’
Yeah. I am Japanese American
Aha, I see! *follows*
Ditto….
Haha!
That’s awesome. Did you know I’m half-Japanese, Kate? My mother was full Japanese.
No way! That’s so cool! My great grandmother was born in Japan and my Ama was born in Oregon. During WWII, she was transferred to an internment camp in Idaho. Her story is so fascinating and so sad too. I interviewed her for my school project. My mom is Thai Chinese though, so I am kind of a mix of a lot of different ethnicities. What’s your mother’s story?
OH I just welcomed you!! XD
Josh! Hi!
Hey! Looks like we’re both on the computer at the same time! =P
Yeppers!
Thanks!
Oh hi! I didnt know that you knew that I signed up! haha
Haha, he’s one of the moderators! He knows… EVERYTHING…
Oh that sounds creepy, but ok. haha
Yep, he and Ethan H. pulled the site together, and they get all the rego info. Lucky we can trust them… I think…
Yup! It is pretty cool.
Well, we think…
Yeh…
Well, thanks for all the work you put in!
Haha, Sam, you’re funny. 😛 I shall do mine utmost to follow every will and whim of the olde terms of use!
Sam, I thought of this after our convo ended… If you ever need any help, just give me a shout, I’ll be happy to help. Although I doubt you need it with the ever-capable Liam and Amanda on board. 🙂
Sure thing! As long as you’ve got people to turn to, that’s the main thing. 🙂
Yeah I get that a lot. Some people say “Oh I thought you were another Kate.” It’s kind of funny. Thanks for letting me on Revive!
o.o have you had any creepy ones?
Technical or not, you count 😛 jks
XD
How do you know if someone is creepy or not? haha I’m just a little curious:P
Oh okay! I have to do homework, but I’ll come back later to check my account:)
Me three… quiet time awaits. And my brother want the computer…
I think this Revive is new… It’s a prayer group of sorts (from what I hear), is it not?
Hi Nathan! Um.. like Sam just said before I could reply… yep prayer group, and place to share/be crazy without driving Brett mad with our off-topic comments. We’ll drive Sam mad instead. 😛
Too cruel, Sam. *shakes head* 😛
I’ll brett you are…!
That was pathetic. I am duly embarrassed. :/
Very well put, Kate. Thank you for sharing!
Two books that have helped me in looking at relationships are: “Before You Meet Prince Charming” by Sarah Mally (for girls like 13 and up) and “Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris (if you’re marriageable age, or soon will be)
Did you really like those books? I read “Before You Meet Prince Charming” and actually found it really legalistic and discouraging, and even a little debilitating; more of a list of rules than anything. That’s interesting (and good) that you found it helpful though.
I would definitely recommend “It’s (Not That) Complicated” by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin. It’s very scriptural and not a list of things to do and has helped out a lot of my friends.
I’m reading that book right now! It’s so good! Definitely recommend it.
I read Before You Meet Prince Charming, and while it wasn’t my favorite book I’ve read on the subject, I wouldn’t say it’s legalistic and discouraging. I’m sorry you disliked it so much!
I have “It’s (Not That) Complicated”, but have not had a chance to read it yet. It looks really good though! (I have thumbed through it!) Also, has anyone read “Passion and Purity” and “Quest for Love” by Elisabeth Elliot?
Elisabeth Elliot! I haven’t read those specifically, but everything I’ve read of hers has been really insightful.
Yes! I really like her books. I’ve read “Passion and Purity”, but not “Quest for Love” (yet). It was really good! What have you read by her?
“A Chance to Die”, her biography about Amy Carmichael. There was another one I read and liked, but I can’t remember the name of it right now.
My sister has “A Chance to Die”, read it, and loved it! It’s on my mile long to-read list. 🙂
Haha! I have one of those too… Actually, I never quite finished “A Chance to Die”, so it’s still on my list. 😛
Ah! So we’re in the same boat! 😉
🙂
That book is SO good…
I love “A Chance to Die” it’s one of my favorite books of all time. Elisabeth Elliot is such a great author!
It’s (not that) Complicated is very good! God used it to help me through my struggles concerning a crush.
Wonderful! I can’t wait to read it! I have so many books I want to read…
Know the feeling…. Currently, I’m reading “Mere Christianity”, “In Defense of Easter”, and “Confound the Critics”. And countless books for school research. Haha
Haha! Yeah, I have so many books to read, and that I am reading! Not enough time in my days …
I did really:) I’ve read “Before You Meet Prince Charming” several times, (I’m actually reading it right now:) and love how it has a princess story, as well as real life stories and helpful ideas and Bible verses to both illustrate and help you create your own commitment about relationships, purity, friendships, and marriage. I highly recommend it, and believe all single, Christian girls should give it a read!
I’m sorry that you disliked it. It doesn’t strike me as being legalistic, only radical, which I think is a good thing, but I don’t expect everyone to like it as much as I do. There are plenty of other books out there that address these topics. Thanks for your recommendation! If I get the chance, I’d like to read Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin’s book.
i believe that at face value “Before You Meet Prince Charming” can be taken as all of the things that you said. But I believe that, as with all books, there are many good things throughout the book that are very good and would help many girls in today’s society. I will admit that some of the things in that book and in their conferences has confused me somewhat but having that background as opposed to not has really helped me to set the lines that I will not cross. The ideas are for the most part good but the presentation is mildly lacking.
*DISCLAIMER*
I have not yet read the full book, just snippets. My knowledge about this comes from attending their conferences and doing other related studies for moms and daughters.
Another book possibility might be “Emotional Purity” by Heather Arnel Paulson (any one else read it?). I read it a really long time ago, so I don’t remember much about it, but I believe it was helpful as far as emotions, thoughts, and feelings etc. and staying pure in those aspects.
Yes, I’ve read Emotional Purity and it was pretty good. There were some parts I wasn’t quite sure about, though. The part about an “affair of the heart” was striking/convicting/eye opening.
Yeah, I am not sure if I am remember that part or not. It kind of sounds familiar, but it has been forever since I read it.
I haven’t read that one, but it sounds interesting! Emotional purity is probably the hardest to keep. It is so easy to become emotionally involved.
Agreed! I have never dated or even come close to dating before, but my emotions and thoughts can still be impure, so I think that book is good for those who, like me, are not necessarily in any kind of relationship and need to be reminded to stay pure in our emotions and thoughts.
“The Lost Art of True Beauty” by Leslie Ludy has some really good stuff about relationships too. It’s one of those books that can change your life, if you let it 🙂
My sister and her friends have read that book!
Totally recommend that book!
Is it similar to her “Authentic Beauty” and “Set-Apart Femininity”?
I don’t know, @mimeforjesus:disqus.
I think so, yes, but haven’t read those… i want to!
That one sounds good! I’ve heard of Leslie Ludy.
Yes! ‘Before You Meet Prince Charming’ is great! I don’t agree with everything in it, but most of it’s concepts are really, REALLY helpful.
I agree! Very helpful, and fun to read:)
Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl is one of my favorites!
I love Boy Meets Girl!!! Finally someone else mentions it! 😀 I’ve read it a bunch of times it’s probably one of my favorites! 🙂
It IS great! Some rather grown up stuff discussed in it, but excellent if you are about to begin a relationship, are in one, or possibly soon will be.
Yes there were some more grownup stuff in it but all in all I think it gave a lot of good guidelines for relationships. 🙂
Wow. I am realllly not the most qualified person to answer this. ^-^ Looking forward to reading other people’s advice though!
Haha, I’m an extrovert and tend to get crushes on guys that are more introverted. I guess opposites really do attract! 😛
I also agree that it’s not a “sin” or necessarily a bad thing to have a crush. What you choose to do with those feelings is more important.
Agreed.
I can certainly relate! I have really struggled with this for a while. And there isn’t one blanket answer that will perfectly answer this DQ. But here’s some things that God has graciously taught me through my experiences.
Crushes are a part of life. They happen. It’s okay. It’s not okay, however, to let them control your life. I had a really hard time understanding this, and i still do. A friend of mine once put it, “Crushes are a side-dish in the meal of life.” I thought that summed it up perfectly 🙂
In my case, while getting over my crush, I really had to lean hard on God for strength, and encouragement. I was finding myself needing His help more than ever before. And i can now look back and see Him working through my many faults for His glory.
Give it time. Seriously, i know it doesn’t sound great right now, but time heals things. Really, truly, it does. Raw emotions can be nasty things, but God has a way of helping us make it through the toughest times.
Keep praying. Fellowship with God is important in getting over any disappointment.
Sorry, that was kinda long 😉 I hope this helps some!
Amen, amen!
P.S. That is NOT long. Have you seen some of the other comments! 😛
I’m probably the only one here that hasn’t had a big crush (I’ve had some mild ones, but I got over them). Seriously, I know girls experience some form of boy-craze, but I haven’t and I pray I never will. But I am concerned about your well being, Victoria. Since this guy is now dating your friend, I’m sure you still see him around every now and then. But you have to get over it. I wouldn’t say cut him out of your life, but figure out how to be friends. As for this whammy of a crush you’re getting over, try to find ways to get back in the groove of things. I know I certainly feel better after doing something productive, even if it’s just chores. It may hurt now, but you’ll get through this.
No… I never had a “serious crush” either. *virtual high five*
I had a crush on a guy for seven to ten years. Then I found out that he liked some other girl. I was devastated, yes. Then I found the best cure to that was to train your mind off of him. I had also talked to other guys to remind myself he is not the only guy out there. Try listening to Average Girl by BarlowGirl. Also spend a lot more time with God. These are just a few things that helped me. I hope all goes well for you.
‘Train your mind off him’ – yes! So well put!
Hi @steelersfan08:disqus! I agree – the feelings are definitely not bad/evil in and of themselves. But, as @ruthie_c:disqus said, I do believe that what you do with them can be either bad or good. If you indulge them, and actively engage in a crush, I would say that’s not a good idea at all. But if you release them to God and let Him guide you through them, and battle to not indulge those feelings, than that’s OK.
That’s a good point. Like I also said, it isn’t bad either to start a relationship but keeping it at a crush probably isn’t the way to go.
As long as the relationship is based on solid ground and you have decided previously that you are willing to have a relationship at that point in your life (that’s another topic/argument), then yes, forming a relationship is fine.
Agreed!
Although you pretty much already said that, hey 😛
‘Baseless infatuation’ – yup, good definition. 🙂 Mind you, some aren’t exactly baseless… I know I always fall for the guys who are amazing. I have a harder time figuring out something I DON’T like about them! But it’s still infatuation.
Hey! I’m new on here and don’t even know what “up voting” is. Lol
As for getting over crush, something you have to learn is how to love that person. Let me explain. If you truly love someone, you will want him or her to have God’s best and do His will. Victoria, t sounds like you have a great attitude about all this. I have just prayed for you! I went through the a similar situation and I know that time will heal the hurt. “Seek the Lord and HIS strength, seek His face continually.” Psalm 105:4
Welcome to the Rebelution! Thank you for your thoughts! That’s a great point! (By the way, upvoting, as Sam said, is for when you really like a comment! :))
Well, about what “loving” someone is, here is an idea (and I’m up for contradiction). I read and believe that when you love someone, whether as a friend or something more, is when you can take away any romance, passion, and feeling that might be there and find that you still care for that person. I have many friends and have come to realize I love them (both boys and girls)(btw if you can’t tell I am a boy.) because there is not a lot I wouldn’t do for them.
I’m in the same boat as you right now. I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 and a half months two weeks ago and I’m still struggling with getting over him especially now as he’s trying to get me back. I still don’t know what to do. If I want to go back out with him or not. I told him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship right now. But it’s still hard. So I try to drown myself in other things I enjoy doing and trying to be closer to God before summer starts. Just trust in Him. If you do that…if we both do that then we’ll be OK 🙂
So I have like NO experience with crushs but I will share a tip that Sarah Mally shares in her book “Before You Meet Prince Charming”. Everytime you have a thought about the certain guy/girl you are struggling with turn your thoughts into a prayer about the person or really just about anything. The devil will find this very frustrating when his darts of all the emotions that come with crushes become prayers and furtherment of God’s kingdom! His weapons won’t work anymore!
Are you saying that the emotions involved with having a crush are from the devil? What makes you say that?
Well like I said I have no experience with any of this but I meant emotions like lust, discontentment, and things like that. Forgive me if I am wrong I have never struggled with this so I don’t understand the emotions behind it. But if you would like I can find the direct quote from the book so you can read it how she said it.
That’s an interesting take, saying that those emotions are from the devil. I guess in one sense, yes, they are. Satan tempted Adam and Eve to the original sin in the Garden of Eden.
But I wouldn’t say these feelings (having a crush) are from the devil. I mean, having a crush isn’t even sin. But the feelings of discontentment, anger, etc. are from the evilness in our own hearts. Obviously the devil sometimes tempts us, but it is our own flesh that causes us to react in the wrong way.
We can’t blame our own sin on Satan.
Just to clariy my position I will quote the book I got this from. (Before You Meet Prince Charming by Sarah Mally, pg. 93) “When thoughts about young men/women arise (and they will), use these as a springboard to direct you to to pray and delight in the Lord. The enemy is going to think twice about stirring up vain thouhts when he realizes that every time the thought comes, you simply turn it into a prayer. When struggling with thoughts, I sometimes have begun to pray for my future husband even though I don’t know who he will be. I use distracting thoughts about young men to remind me to delight in the Lord and to look forward to the coming of my true Prince. ‘Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Savior Jesus Christ.’ Titus 2:13” Hope that clarifys what I am trying to say! Blessings.
Hello everyone! I have a few things to add to this wonderful discussion. For starters, PRAY! God has promised “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” (Hebrews 13:5). Go to the Great Physician, and He will heal you. (“Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed…” Jeremiah 17:14). Also, if you can, talk to your parents. Tell them your struggles and pain. I have the most wonderful parents, but I know not everyone does. So if you can’t talk to your parents, find a spiritual mentor/“Titus 2” woman (or if you’re a guy, maybe your pastor or someone you trust and look up to) to confide in. Make sure it’s someone you really trust.
I know someone on here recommended against this, but I have found it very helpful to me. Pray for him. Pray for him as a brother in Christ (not as your husband), and pray for his future wife (not from the view of you being her!). Pray for yourself and your future husband (NOT with the “special” him in mind). @Elizabeth said if you truly love someone, then you will want the very best for them. So pray that God would give them the very best.
And remember, God never does anything without a purpose, and He never does anything to hurt us. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
I hope this helps! May God bless you all!
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” Isaiah 41:10
There are a lot of comments, so someone probably already said this, or something like this at least, but here we go anyway:
I can identify with you. I went through that same thing awhile back. We moved, I’d never said anything to him about how I felt, and now i will probably never see him again. All I have to say is to keep surrendering hi. To God. I had to do it several times before it was finially registered in my mind that I really wanted what was best for his life. Even if that means giving him up. Do a lot of praying and relying on God during those hard hours. When you start to think about everything and feel bad for yourself, do something for someone else. It really helps.
Honestly, I only read like three comments. I won’t make excuses about how my comment might be a repeat of someone else’s, although it probably will. =p So a friend of mine is dealing with this same issue and she asked me for advice. That really put me in a tough spot, because I’m definitely NOT the best person to be offering advice on this particular subject. My views are very different that most average Christian teenagers. I was always taught growing up to trust that God had just one person for me, and He would bring that person to me in His own way, in His own time. That I was to trust and rely on Him to take care of that for me. That in mind, I’ve never gone on a date in my entire life (and I never plan on it) and I’ve never had a “boyfriend” (after all, that my be kind of difficult in light of me not dating and all that). But I’d be lying to you if I said I’ve never had a crush. I have. The thing is, when dealing with feelings for someone, I put my focus back on God and keep myself from dwelling on that person. It’s a good plan actually. Part of what I told my friend was this: I think when we allow ourselves to think too much about guys, especially when we aren’t sure if the feelings are mutual, we put ourselves in danger of having our hearts broken. Maybe not to a serious extent, but a piece of our heart might be chipped off nonetheless. And we may not even know about it, but eventually the little things, the chipping away at our heart, it will build up to something bigger. What I’m trying to say is I believe guarding our hearts and thoughts is part of remaining emotionally pure. And we’ll be better off for it.
So when dealing with these feelings, the best thing you could do is guard your heart and mind and give the problem to God.
Amen, sister! Over-thinking… *sigh*
I do the same thing!! too lazy to read every comment so I always have this nagging fear I repeated someone! lol.
Hi Liana, I know that this is completely off topic, but I think your name is really cool:) I’ve never seen it before.
Thanks. It took me fifteen years to find someone with the same name! lol. 🙂
I’ve heard it’s common among the amish though 🙂
Ha, try having a name like Selah. 😉 Btw, I like your name too. 😀
I know of a Selah! I haven’t actually met her, but still I know of one. It’s actually really pretty, I love it!
Oh cool! How does she pronounce it? Mine is See-lah, but others pronounce it Seh-lah. 🙂
I think its she-lah. Not sure. either way, it’s pretty 🙂
I have experienced what you’ve gone through and I know how painful that is. Months later, I am still dealing with some deep heart issues that I allowed to creep in. I let myself believe that my value lay in this particular person pursuing me and when that did not happen, I was shattered. The only thing that has helped me has been spending a lot of time telling Jesus how I honestly feel. I don’t mask it but instead, I let Him know everything. Then, when I run out of words, I listen to what He has to say to me. He has been faithful to tell me who I am and to remind me of His great love and glorious vision for my life. It’s not easy and sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to trust in Him and not get offended at His plan for my life. Yet, His own Words and my family in Christ tell me daily that He is worth it and unspeakable value lies in continuing to press in and trust Jesus.
I pray that you will be encouraged and know deeply in your heart that your value and joy lies chiefly in the Everlasting God. I know how hard this is to believe and hope that this doesn’t sound like a pat answer… but the very fact that Jesus adores you, the fact that the King of Kings displays His affection towards you is the greatest expression of your intrinsic worth that there ever could be. I pray that the Lord will bring people to show you that and I hope that you will be surrounded with sisters who understand what you are going through and will build you up through this difficult time.
Love from a sister in Jesus!
Hey Hanna! Welcome to The Rebelution! Awesome first comment!!
Welcome to the Reb, Hanna!
Pray for that person and then try not to think of him 🙂 I know how hard it is, and i don’t have it all figured out either, but this is what I’ve done 🙂
hey, just another thought is to have an accountability partner in this. Talking to someone really helps. Like me blabbing everything to my nine year old sister who thought i was nuts (for actually LIKING a boy:)) but it did help to tell someone!! lol.
So. True. 🙂
Little sisters rock!!!
oh yeah!! They totally listen to you, even when they have no clue what you’re talking about!! I showed her this, she’s pretty flattered. 😉
Someday I’m going to show my younger sister everything I say about her, too 🙂
haha. She actually proofed my comment and had me change it a couple times. How old is your sister?
Haha 🙂 My sister’s 13. So… she’s now telling me all her deep, dark secrets, too. For a while it was just me telling her, though.
I can’t wait till mine has deep dark secrets!! I would love a thirteen year old sister. One problem, I HATE keeping secrets, but I think I could keep hers. Do you have any other siblings?
Yep, I do. Seven!
That’s awesome! I love big families, more people to split up chores with 🙂
Yes 🙂 So lovely!
I had a heart-breaking crush for a while, so I can understand where you’re coming from. What’s helped me every time in the past was to just try to move on. Avoid thinking of them when you can, and definitely blanket yourself with the things you love, whether that be books, music, sports, acting, God, family, hair and makeup, et cetera. Just keep yourself happy (: Try to train your focus somewhere else, like focus your energy on something else, like maybe creating something. If you distract yourself that often helps. (:
Another thing just came to mind. It really does NOT help to tell a bunch of your friends (or family) about your crush. I speak from experience, and blabbing my story over and over only tied more ties that i’m now struggling to break. Telling a trusted friend or family member can help very much, but telling all your friends may not be such a lovely idea. Just a thought 🙂
Yes, good point, Haylie!
and on the other hand for someone like me it’s very hard to tell someone about your crush! if you’re on the opposite extreme end, (like me) It does help to tell one VERY trusted person! 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts, Haylie. (love how you spell your name)
Thank you for your thoughts! Liana is a lovely name as well 🙂
thank you.
I second this! Tell someone you really trust, not everyone
What I do is pray for the person whenever I think of them. So say I just thought of them I pray “please help ______ do whatever you want him to do. Help him to follow you…” ext. I find it helps
Hey Victoria! First off you’re not alone in this! We all have stories, not identical to yours, but a lot of us girls have or do face struggles similar to the one you’re facing. I remember about two years ago, when I was facing a difficult situation of my own that involved a guy, a dear friend, at the time, talked to me about letting go. What I tried to do was to just let go for that moment. It’s easy to want to take a big step and surrender someone once and for all but you can’t usually face all the moments of all time in one moment. You have to face the moment you’re in and let go for that moment and then the next moment and the next. It’s a battle, I know it’s heartbreaking and tough but you can do it!! I’ll be praying for you and let us know if there’s anything else we can do.:)
Ah yes, the crush. I’ve been there myself. Romantic feelings/wishes and crushes are some of the most difficult to surrender. However, I’ve found two things really help me out. First, prayer. Some advice I heard a long time ago (so long ago I forgot who gave it to me) was that when these feeling come on, pray for your crush’s future partner. Somehow this has always helped me take the focus off of myself and my wants and instead center it on God’s plan, and it reminds me that God has a plan for the ‘crush’ too. Second, an accountability partner does help. Mine is my Mom–pick someone who is mature, and maybe has walked this path before. I don’t usually tell my crushes to friends, it just complicates things. But telling them to my Mom takes some of the shine off of having a ‘secret’ crush. I will pray that you find the peace you are seeking. Stay strong in Christ!
Your “thought life” controls your “love life”…
2 Corinthians 10:5 ~ …Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.
When thoughts of “him” come creeping back into your mind, do something about it. Replace these thoughts. Rejecting them is not enough. Read Scripture, memorize Scripture, Pray…
Refocus on what your heart’s desire should be… and it’s NOT A BOY! 😉
My problem with crushes is that I tend to think that they’re perfect because my emotions get in the way of my head, and when I find flaws in the person, I’m disappointed. For example, my first crush was on a guy who I liked for probably 20 months. That’s a long time to have a serious crush on one person, especially your first crush. As I got to know him better, I heard him making inappropriate statements/joking that were sick, not funny. That crushed me and it took some time to get over it, but telling my best friend that I was over him really made the decision final. Also, journaling really helped me. Telling one or two trusted friends and journaling and prayer and time are all great healers. Good luck!
Here is an expert from the Hiding Place I think might be helpful:
“‘Corrie,’ he [Corrie ten Boom’s father] began… ‘do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. God loves Karel [The man Corrie ten Boom loved] –even more than you do–and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way.’ … [T]hat very hour, lying there on my bed, I whispered the enormous prayer: ‘Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future–oh, You know! Everything! Give me your way of seeing Karel instead. Help me to love him that way. That much.’ And even as I said the words I fell asleep.”
I know that this is kind of long and I’m a boy, so this might not be helpful. But I thought I would give it a shot anyway.
Oh my goodness I remember reading that part; I totally forgot about it!! It is helpful, thanks!
Thank you so much for this…I had forgotten it and it was what I really needed to hear today. ~AnnaGrace
I love that passage, I read it over and over to myself when I was going through this!
I had pretty much the same experience (ill spare you the long, complicated details haha) Only not sure I would say love– I believe that I am too young to love someone like that yet (just my opinion)– but I REALLY liked him. I’m not going to lie and say I handled it well, because I defiantly did not. I was heartbroken. A lot happened in my life after that, and after months of hatred towards him, I finally forgave him when I surrendered my life to God. Forgiveness takes time, and we are called to forgive as God forgives us. I do not know if your experience warrants forgiveness. (Un)fortunately– don’t know if its a good or bad thing lol– the final closure for me was finding out he wasn’t the perfect guy I thought he was. I needed to get the idea out of my head that he was amazing.
God obviously did not want this relationship to work out– at least not yet. That hopefully comforts you because he has something better in store for you. He also could be using this to show that you need to put your faith back in him. He often uses painful experiences to bring us back to him (my opinion). For me, this was the first event that pressed “GO” on my roller coaster that only headed down. While at the bottom I realized that this was God screaming at me that I need to turn back towards him. I hope you do not have to ride a roller coaster like mine. It took time, but I am no longer sad about it anymore.
But, honestly, you deserve better than this guy and remember that God ALWAYS knows what hes doing even though we don’t understand it yet 🙂 Hope this helps 🙂
Alright, I need some advice(guys please feel free to reply). There is a guy I know and we get along really well, but I don’t know what to do now. I am not planning to date or pursue any crush-like feelings, but I have never had a friend who was a guy before so I don’t know how to react. HELP!!!
Having many guy friends… I just say treat it like any girl friends you have. Don’t stress about it!
Something to keep in mind, is maybe make sure he is aware you don’t really feel like dating, in general. That way you can bypass that awkwardness (without making him feel like it just applies to him) before he even may voice feelings.
All my guy friends know that I enjoy dates, and will happily go out with you, as a friend. Opening many fun and friendship enhancing opportunities like prom, poetry slams, and group date service projects. However, they also all know that I am not interested in having a boyfriend.
It has worked pretty well for my friends and I.
Good luck!
Thanks to both of you! The hard part is that I don’t have many friends at all( literally about five ). I’m still working on that…
I only have a handful of good friends. However, I do have many friends that I can have fun with.
Something to keep in mind is to divide things up a bit. Don’t start doing everything with one person. It keeps you far less likely to think you have romantic feelings, and for them to think you may have feelings for them.
Just don’t over think it. Friendships with guys are actually easier than friendships with girls-less drama. Put aside your insecurity, make it clear that you’re not pursuing any crush like feelings, and just don’t think too much about it.
Just treat him the same as any other friend. 🙂 The only real difference between my best guy friend and my best girl friend is that my girl friend and I can discuss more personal matters (such as that time of the month).
Don’t stress about it. 🙂 Just make sure you are still spending lots of time with your other friends that are of the same gender. If you are spending the majority of your time with your guy friend, you are going to end up in a relationship, and you are clearly trying to stay out of a relationship right now. Just try to keep a monitor on your focus, if you are thinking about him more than your other friends, something might be up. But overall, yeah, just don’t overthink it.
Victoria, one thing that I’ve found helpful, is to analyze all the reasons why you would not marry him. It usually works for me.
trust in God and don’t spend all your time thinking on it get something to do. don’t focus on it.
Josh said it, but my next best advice is to find someone else to crush on! 😛 Just kidding, but really. You need to discipline your mind. When you start to think about him/her, immediately start praying or read your Bible. Pretty soon you’ll find out that God is the only crush worth having! I totally get ya on this, I’m having to go through this right now, so its all good! 🙂
You are sooo funny!!
Distract yourself. I have depression and anxiety, and to help myself I do have to pray, but I also have to redirect my thoughts often. When you feel yourself thinking of him or your friend, make yourself think of something else. Better yet, practice a hobby or go spend some time with someone you love. It makes it easier to quit focusing on your feelings when you’re actively doing something.
And make sure you talk to God about the way you feel both about your friend and the guy. I’m learning to let go of some bitterness towards someone (for somewhat similar reasons) now and I wish I’d done it a while ago.
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. It’s never easy giving up someone that you like to God. Here are some ideas that have helped me:
1. Whenever you think of him, pray. Ask God to take these feelings that you have and direct them to him. Pray for wisdom on how to interact with this guy and your friend. You could also pray for things that don’t have anything to do with the guy. It can be long or short. The important thing is to talk to God who gives healing and comfort to those who have broken hearts.
2. Take the time and energy that you usually use thinking about the guy you have feelings for and use that time nd energy somewhere else. Going to (or hosting) Bible studies, volunteering, painting, cleaning, reading your Bible, doing devotionals, exercise, spending time with friends, joing a book club, or persue any other passions that you have. Persueing purposeful activities (I.e. helping your future, helping others, persueing God, ect.) will make your time more meaningful and will help develop your character, spiritual life, and your emotional health.
3. Unfollow him (and possibly her) on social media. The constant reminder of what’s going on in his life and with his relationship will only inflict more pain on you.
4. Persue a deeper relationship with God. The more I persue God, the closer I get to him and the more I realize his love for me. Since your emotions have been up and down lately (which I totally understand) it’s nice to know that God is a steady rock who’s love for you will never change. The more you realize this, the better you may feel.
Hey, I’ve been where you are at, more than once. It really sucks, I know. I also know that trying not to think or dwell on the guy, and the situation, is probably one of the most difficult things to do, especially if you have fallen head over heals for him. I also know that without God, things are extremely rocky! So for starters if you hold on to God’s hand for dear life, you are one step ahead of yourself. I will also agree with some of the others who have commented. Keeping yourself distracted and busy is super helpful. I also suggest writing letters or having lengthy conversations with God, on how you are truly feeling. In other words, speaking your mind to God, (it just comes out easier for me on paper). I tell God all about how angry I am at the guy, or how I wish I could rush into things with the guy, or more than enough times I ask God how long it will take for the right man for me runs into my life.
I won’t tell you that I’m like really good at doing these things; because I’m really not. I always wanted to do things my way, and I always want to get what I wanted. And to be really honest, I got my heart broken so many times. Eventually I asked God to help me with my current crush, because I found out the guy was moving away. I began to brood and become depressed. But God basically picked me up and said, “I have better plans for you right now.” And off we went, me constantly dipping in and out of spells of depression. I still am. But I wouldn’t be able to say any of this if God hadn’t picked me up again and said, ” I have better plans for you right now, just trust me.”
So in other words what I’m trying to say, is I know its hard to not think about it. I know its hard not to brood about it. But despite it being hard…God has a plan. His plan is so perfect we can’t even begin to imagine what it is and what is in store for us. Just hold tight to God’s hand, and He will get you to where you need to be.
I know exactly how you feel since I’ve been through it twice. Once was when my crushing moved away from the country that we were in to another country. Another time was when I found out that my crush had recently got a girlfriend. What I would do is bury myself in piles and piles of work or listen to music while going for a run.
Hope this helps. 🙂
There are so many comments here and they all have great advice. Here’s my tidbit though. I’ve been where you are, and I know that you are probably asking God over and over to help you get over this person (I know I did). What ended up happening is, God did answer my prayer, it just took months longer than I had expected. During those months I learned how to struggle with something and still love and rely on God. Some days were better than others, and eventually it got easier. I would say that you shouldn’t get discouraged if things aren’t getting better all at once, God could be teaching you how to struggle through something. There will undoubtably be more important things for me to struggle through later on in life (like the deaths of loved ones or something) and I know that I will have learned to hold on to God and struggle with Him while I was dealing with my crush. In the end it is about looking beyond the moment and seeing what God is doing long term. (And practically, just like everyone else says: try to be busy. Idleness just means you will think about your crush.)
Learn from my mistakes, here’s what NOT to do.
-Don’t fall into the trap of becoming an unemotional robot… it only makes things worse. (Remember Joy and Sadness in the movie Inside Out? You need them. Both.) So cry when it hurts and laugh on the sunny days… and remember, there’s more to life than this. 🙂
-Don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. God is using this trial to draw you closer to Him, to teach to to find joy in Him. God does have a plan for you, He will bring you out of the slough of despond. Don’t be afraid to hope. 🙂
-Don’t get wrapped up in the present that you forget the future. Often our emotions cloud all sense of objectivity. The world is out there, your whole life is ahead of you. Remember God’s promises, and find something to work toward.
I hope this helps… I know it’s hard, but keep pushing through. 🙂 In my case, I let the emotional roller coaster grind to a hault, casting me into a deep depression. Trust me, it is SO much worse to feel nothing. Just remember that it gets better!
I have been having a LOT of problems with this! Sometimes I feel better after talking ton a trusted friend that knows him.
So good to have believers who are honest about this. I am gonna try and read everyone’s post.