NATHAN WRITES: What is a godly way to handle having an attraction to someone of the opposite sex? How do you avoid being ungodly without avoiding the person? How do you still be friends without being either completely awkward or without going into the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing?
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Pray. Leave feelings and future relationships up to God. Also try to only hang out in groups so you have some accountability. Sorry I don’t have more, but I hope this helps anyhow.
Love the group part of your comment! It is true. Things are much more fun with groups than one on one. Thanks Okie!
They really are. Glad you liked it 🙂
Good question, Nathan! Not really sure I can personally offer advice because most of the time I don’t handle it very well. But one thing that I have done is taking time to pray before hanging out or spending time with the particular friend, praying that my actions and thoughts would stay on a friends-only level and that I could enjoy the person as a friend. But it is definitely hard when in that situation, especially for me being of marriageable age and yet also being a woman and not being able to do anything unless the guy makes a move first. Hope that helps some! 😉
Thanks Hannah! I appreciate your input on this topic!
Hey there Nathan! Well, I have a lot of advice about how NOT to handle attraction because I’ve handled it wrong many times. But here are some things God has revealed to me and used in my life to help me:
1) treat her like you do other girls…When you think about your next move (whether it’s something you’re going to say or do) ask yourself ‘Am I treating her differently from other girls around me? Am I obviously being a flirt?’ point #3 will help with this also…
2) Be yourself!! As a girl, I can honestly say it’s not fun when a guy is trying to impress us or not being themselves…It might be fun for a bit when they are flirty or whatever, but in reality, we don’t REALLY feel cared for! So just be yourself!!!!! Laugh at what you always laugh about; talk about what you always talk about. Whenever God sends me the right guy, I want to love who he really is; not who he pretends to be…So just be yourself, because even if this girl doesn’t return your affection (which I understand is a really ahrd situation… =P ) then you can trust God has other plans for you!
3) have accountability! Not that we need to go around telling our crush to everyone, but it might be helpful if you told a trusted friend who is often with you and this person. Share the expectations you have of yourself with this person and have them hold you accountable
4) Tell your parents. This is always the HARDEST step for me! It’s still hard! I always freak out and think they will be upset or not let me hang out with that person or something like that; but I’ve been wrong every time. Your parents (as long as they are serving God with their life) are there to help you! And I assure you, having your parents know is very comforting, because then you don’t have anything to hide…Also, it helps hold you (me) very accountable.
5) Set Boundaries!!!! Set boundaries for yourself regarding physical contact and in what settings you are okay spending time together (groups, alone,etc). Even setting petty-sounding boundaries such as, (not these exact ones necessarily) “I won’t wink at her..I won’t stare at her during church service…I won’t go telling his sister/brother that I like him…” or whatever boundaries God reveals to you to set for yourself (I had to set the boundary of not staring and not telling boundary for myself…). Honestly, I think each person has a slightly different set of boundaries…and that’s okay! One rule that is a good springboard for boundaries is “don’t do to another girl (in your case) what you wouldn’t do to your sister”
6) Discuss the boundaries with your parents! Make sure your parents are a part of setting your boundaries! As adults, they have a LOT more insight into what boundaries may or may not be important and why! Get their input and have them and…well, pretty much anyone! Hold you accountable to these! Most all of my friends knew the boundaries I had set for myself whether or not they knew my crush at the time…
7) Stick to those boundaries!!!! I know I’m doing like 3 points on boundaries, but that’s because boundaries (actually God, because he is the one who brought me to a point where I WANTED boundaries) are what have saved me from making mistakes…Why? Because I had openly made a commitment to my God, my family, my friends, and myself to do/not do certain things…It was a promise I made and i would be breaking that promise to go against those boundaries.
8) P.R.A.Y.E.R.!!!!! I put this last because it brings everything together….Seeking God is how I got the answers to what boundaries I should have…Prayer is how I was strengthened to keep to those boundaries…Prayer is our way of communication with God and his with us..He will reveal to us what we need to know when we need to know it. He will strengthen us when we are weak!
Through prayer, I was able to deal with moving to a new culture and having to examine my boundary list. See, I made the commitment not to hold hands with a guy (except for like praying, or something necessary like that). But in Zambia, where I live, EVERYONE holds hands! It’s a bit rude NOT to offer your hand or hold another person’s hand…Upon discovering this, i had to talk to my parents about what to do…after praying, God revealed to us the answer! Without prayer, I wouldn’t have known what to do!
**One thing that is SUPER hard, but very helpful for me is that I often struggle in my heart with thoughts or feelings which aren’t pure. Especially when I am anticipating seeing the guy about whom I’m feeling those feelings….So, even though it’s hard and I don’t always REALLY mean it, I pray, “Lord…I know I’m about to see ___in a few minutes/tomorrow (insert appropraite time)…But God you know my heart isn’t right! So Lord, I pray, would you please change my heart or help me not to see this person or at least not be in a place of temptation with this person!” God ALWAYS helps me! It’s SO hard to pray that prayer because tbh, those feelings FEEL good and I don’t really want them to go…I also don’t NOT want to see that person, but sometimes that’s the only way…And EVERY TIME those feelings either subside (which really does feel much better) or I miraculously don’t see the person or I see them but at a great distance..!
God is good to help us!! God will help you!!
Hope this helps!! Sorry it’s long….This is an area I’ve been very weak and still am; so God has had to teach me a lot on this subject…and still is..! 😉 Praying for you! =)
Well, I could have asked exactly the same question, and your advices really help, thanks a lot! I’m quite in a similar situation, but the thing is the guy seems to really like me and well, I really appreciate him and like spending time with him, but I’m quite sure it is a bad idea to begin a romantic relationship with him now. The problem is we have almost no friends in common so when we see each other, it is always alone. I could invite some other friends, but then how could I present him? I want to be sure he knows that I’m not wanting anything but friendship, and even though I’d be sad to stop seeing him, I really don’t want to play with his feelings. I know girls often imagine things that are not and I don’t know how to make sure he is not hoping for something more, for I don’t want him to suffer because of this situation, even though it would be much easier for me not to do anything. Well, I hope you can understand my english and perhaps you have some advice?
Hey Mary! This is a good question! I do understand in a lot of ways where you’re coming from….I’ve also had a situation where I liked a guy and he liked me. And I’ve also had situations where even though we have many mutual friends, we ended up being alone because we weren’t always around our other friends. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to be “alone” with a guy in the sense that you’re having your own conversation or sitting alone at a lunch table or something…but I think some important aspects of this are that you don’t get in an alone situation where you’re behind a closed door in a bedroom….or in a private place after dark or just where there is ample room for temptation.
Also, just setting up boundaries for when you are alone that may differ from when you are in groups might help! I know for me, I made sure when I end up with my guy friends “alone” I make sure I don’t sit next to them….It’s just something to help me keep from being tempted…or I at least sit like on the opposite end of the same couch or something like that…. This just helps to reduce temptation a bit. I don’t mind sitting next to my guy friends, but I only do it in groups…
Also,make sure your parents are aware of the situation (again, i KNOW it’s hard!!) and get their input! and maybe even have a friend to whom you are accountable even if they don’t know the guy… Hope this is a little helpful? =)
Well, thank you Megan, it helps :-)! I’ve already spoken about this situation with a woman I can thrust in my church. My parents know about this guy, I’ve not been hiding this friendship, but I haven’t had the courage yet to tell them more,even though it would probably be really wise. Well, the problem is now I want to be sure he is not believing or hoping that I’m gonna fall in love with him, because even if I was loving him more than a friend, I’m sure that it is not the right person, at least not now, and I don’t want him to love me, because it will only hurt him and make him lose his time! Should I tell him clearly that we’re just friends and that it will probably stay this way, even though I’m really not sure he wants more than friendship? Should I rather wait, do nothing and hope he doesn’t?
I totally understand where you’re coming from regarding telling your parents. It is really tough….! I’ll pray God gives you the courage to tell them at the right time! =) As for saying something to him, I’d recommend NOT saying anything…It might give him the wrong idea meaning he might feel like you thought he had feelings for you; you didn’t appreciate…Or, it could scare him off as a friend and make him back off or it could scare him for the future when what if he is the right one? I mean, it would be kind of awkward…So I just recommend leaving it alone for now and just going on as friends without saying anything to him….=) If he starts to become flirty or something like that in the future, it would be okay to say something like, ‘Hey, right now, I think I just want to be friends…I don’t know what God has for my future, but right now I’m only interested in friendship.” And idk how things are set up for you, but for me I might add that if he’s interested in pursuing me on a romantic level, then he has to run that through my dad….Does this help?
It does! Thank you, I also felt it would be really hard and awkward, but well, I don’t want to be stopped by fear! Anyway, it is good to remember that God holds everything under control,even our possible mistakes!
I agree with Megan, Mary E. If he hasn’t made any obvious moves or said anything to make you think that he desires more than friendship, to say anything about wanting to be just friends is unnecessary, and might even offend him.
On the other hand, I know how easy and quickly you can grow close to a guy you spend a great deal of time with. If you hang out just the two of you a lot, you might want (without being obvious, or acting weird) to try and cut back a little on the time you spend together that isn’t in a group setting or with other friends. What Megan said about making your time together constructive was also a good point.
Treat him like a friend, and keep you relationship casual if possible, meaning that you don’t seek attention or approval from him, or share intimate, personal details/feelings with him. (i.e., heartfelt discussions) That could suggest to him that you care more than you do.
More than a casual friendship with a guy can get hurtful, because the closer you get, the more chances there are for feelings to develop on one or both sides prematurely. I would just caution you to be careful, and maybe seek the advice of your parents or some other trusted adult who has an understanding of the situation. They should be able to advise you better than I about this.
It’s great that you’re thinking ahead about this! It shows a mature consideration on your part, and a desire to honor God in your relationships.
Hey Mary! One more thing that can help in situations when you end up
alone is to make sure what you are doing is something constructive…For
example, I have a neighbor friend who is a guy and every now and then
we’ll end up being alone. But normally, we are studying when we’re
alone, so we’re busy helping each other; doing something constructive.
This helps keep your mind distracted and focused on something leaving
less room for tempting thoughts. Also, we’re usually outside next to our
gate so anyone walking by (which happens often here in ZA) could see us
as could any member of my family who decides to look out the window..So
we’re “alone” per-say, but not alone in a sense too.. =)
You nailed it!
Great question! I have to say I’m certainly no expert on this, but I think the best possible thing you can do is pray about that person, seek God through this and see if this person is really what you should be focusing on. Think about all of the things that you would want in a relationship, and if that person has what you’re looking for in a relationship.
This is honestly such a good question. Just within the past couple months I decided that I don’t want to date anymore, I’m going through a season of growing in my faith and loving the Lord more. The choice not to date is not for everyone but, I never thought it would be for me. A few weeks ago at church I met this guy at church, I’ll call him Jake, and I had noticed Jake a few months ago. He is a part of the church school which a requirement of being enrolled is no relationships, it’s a year off from college and work to 100% devote yourself to God and growing in your love for christianity, and I’m going to enroll next year, while this year is his last year. So right now both of us currently have a promise to God not to date. I promised myself & God I would not date until I find who I am going to marry. But now I have found who I think I am going to marry so soon after my vow. I;m keeping my vow to protect my heart, and his. Song of Solomon 8:4 says “Do not awaken or arouse Love until it so desires” I am making no extra effort to have conversation with Jake, I am letting God cross our paths when the time is right. The Lord has blessed me with the fact that right now, I am not overwhelmed and crazy over this boy, as I have been by others in the past. I’m trusting that if he is truly the one God has for me, our paths will cross in a romantic way when the time is right. The time is not right for either of us right now, so I am not trying to pursue anything, and neither is he. The best way to deal with relationships is to trust in the Lord and know if He wants this person to be your spouse he will give you an amazing love story when the time is right. And God never gets the timing wrong. Timing is the Lord’s game. Have patience and pray for this person and for a potential relationship, if there is one, to be based in the Lord and that you will both feel the fruits of the spirit through a Godly relationship.
Hey Nathan!!! I’m glad you asked this question, this is something that I’ve struggled with a lot! Ad yes ts rally hard but let me tell you what I do to combat this!!!! I pray, yeah I know a steriotypical response but it actually works!!!! I ask God to take away my feelings for certain guys that I like! And I pray that if they aren’t meant for the hear an know that God would take ten away! One of my best friends is a guy! And I find myself likening him more than a friend at times, when I feel myself doing that I take it back to God and ask him to take away those feelings. But I then say if something down the road is to develope between us then let my feelings come out then and not know!!!
I hope this is encouraging and makes sense!!! 🙂
Well first, you need to know that attraction is not a bad thing. God made members of the opposite gender attractive for a reason, and there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a guy/girl. It sounds like you’re already friends with this person, so what I would do is just that: be friends. Nothing more. Don’t drop hints, don’t flirt. Me personally, I have no problem being friends with girls I’m attracted to. However, if being friends with this gal will cause you to struggle, then by all means know that your purity is more important than this friendship.
Well, those were my random disjointed thoughts. Hope they helped some! =)
Hey Nathan, I really like your question. Most of what I would say is already summed up by what the other amazing Rebelutionaries have said, but basically, I would say these are the most important things:
1) Treat this special girl the way you treat other girls you know well and your friends. Make her feel important but not just her, but every teen you come in contact with.
2) Don’t fantasize over what it would be like with her – (in other words, don’t fall into lust). What’s in your head effects your heart. And what’s in your heart effects your actions.
3) If you have her phone number, do not text her after 9:00 pm. Judgment is weaker late at night.
4) Relax and be normal. If you don’t think your normal is mature enough, than make being mature your normal. Something I once heard is “instead of finding the right future spouse, be the right future spouse for the one who will marry you” (something like that)
5) Pray for her when you think about her, instead of fantasizing. This helps in the friendship a ton.
6) If you’re man enough, find a way to let your parents know. It took me about 2 months to tell my dad strategicly. My mom found out over an article I wrote (which was meant to be read by her or anyone who wanted to read it). So if you can, great!
7) No good morning / good night text messages! (Enough said)
8) Pray for a friend/companion to be there for you and be aa best friend brother-like friend to you. Having somebody like that is not common but it is so beneficial. 🙂
9) Keep your personal hygiene in check. I know I smell after high exertion activities. So I need to wear deodorant. Just make sure your hygiene is right.
10) Chill out and enjoy life, striving to be more like Jesus, every day.
Great tips! But also one of the problems with this situation is that I don’t really have any other friends, and this girl just happens to be like my only best friend. I mean, I have other male friends that I talk to once in a while, but not like her. We have been best friends since we were 8.
I feel you bro. I have quite a few causal friends but not many that have time to be a great friend fo me. You know?
My friend (that’s a girl) is one of my only true friends. In this case, I just take every opportunity to treat the other girls with the same respect kindness and attention I give her. But sometimes friends will assume the situation is romantic in which case you need to just calmly say “dude, it’s not what you think.” Or something. Haha
In that case we just have to do our best to adapt to each situation and serve God as best we can.
ohmyword YES! Everyone teased me and my one guy friend in the states for a LONG time! It was annoying enough they would tease us, but then they would tease us in front of each other… =P One way I knew this guy is trustworthy is how he handled those “could-be-awkward” moments! =)
Absolutely. My middle school friends and one high school friends just kept on teasing me about it for the first month or so. Eventually they gave up. So there is hope! 🙂
Aw, I know how that is. I first discovered what shipping was when some people I know “shipped” my best guy friend and me. Then again it did somehow almost turn into something, so maybe everyone else saw something I didn’t expect. I guess it’s good to be aware that it’s harder to understand and make clear decisions regarding a situation you’re in the middle of.
Anyway, good advice, Trent–as usual! 🙂
Haha. I guess right now I’m the one who doesn’t know what shipping is. Care to clarify?
Lol, sorry! When you “ship” two people, it basically means that you could see them as a couple. So you wouldn’t ship two people already in a relationship, but maybe two friends that you think would be “cute together”, so to speak.
So it’s basically modern-day matchmaking and a subject of conversation is ladies’ rooms everywhere. XD Also, in my opinion, not a very good idea. 😛
Haha. Okay. I’ll keep one eye open for it in the future. lol
Aaaaaand Trent does it again. 🙂 Great advice bro. (And yes, I’m late to this thread. :P)
When I saw this question, it really hit home for me. I believe in not dating until I’m ready for marriage. Its def not easy tho, especially when the culture around us is so rife with contrary messages. A couple months ago, I met this girl, and we both hit it off really well. Now we are good friends, but to be perfectly honest, I often find myself wishing we were more. Its hard to stay consistent! The best advice I can offer you if you have a person like this is:
1. Take it to God.
God is always there for you and he knows you feelings. He understands your thoughts and motivations (even when they’re not so pure) and he can help you. Prayer and staying in the Word are a must.
2. Take it to your parents.
Now this step is HARD. I know from experience lol! In fact, I made the mistake of trying to keep my friendship with this girl from them, fearing their disapproval. But they found out anyway, and instead of chewing me out (well, there was a little of that, but not much) they offered advice. Your parents have been through this before, even if it was a different world back then, the basics are still the same. Take their advice, they can help you through this. I promise.
3. Take it to your friend.
I looked at some of the comments below, and they advised against this, but I disagree. If you tell your friend right away, that you have no interest in dating at this point in your life, it may be awkward, but it makes your position clear. Be gracious about it, and tell them you’d love to be friends, but you’re not ready to move beyond yet. It may save you pain and trouble later.
I hope this helped, and good luck! 🙂
Hey! Just about taking it to the friend in question, I wanted to do it and then people gave me the advice not to do it for different reasons (you can see some of them below), I just don’t know what to do and I’m seeking as many advices as possible, and I still need to make a decision, because in this kind of situation, doing nothing has as much consequences as doing something. Well, if you read what I’ve written below, you can see that my main problem is that I want to protect the guy and be sure he is not waiting for more than I can give right now. I want to be clear and as transparent as possible, but I also know that it is not good always to say every truth. And even if I have reasons to think that the guy could want more than friendship, I know that girl often imagine things that are wrong, so if it is the case, I really don’t know how he could react! Should I wait and see if he shows clearly his feelings (which would be very embarrassing and hard for both of us, because I must admit I like him) to tell him that I’m not ready (and perhaps will never be) to go further with him? Or should I seize the first chance I have to clear up the situation, even if this could damage our friendship? If anybody here had any idea, it would be great! 🙂
Honesty is hard in a situation like this. But telling how you feel is good. I had a guy who I really liked and he liked me but he realized before I did that dating would not be a good idea. He told me the truth and though it hurt I pushed to be friends still. We had a rocky few months but now we are good friends and we still talk and do stuff together. He started dating one of my best friends (a whole other situation that’s just as confusing) but now I’m really glad that I didn’t date him and I’m happy for him and my friend and I support him. It is possible to be good friends and honestly to be friends with a guy without the dating factor (having made it known that you don’t want to date) is super awesome. I dislike the whole idea of a “friendzone”. Just be honest.
And don’t be honest through texting. Real conversations need to be in person so there is no misunderstanding.
Thank you for your advices and your encouragements! I was tempted to tell him trough texting, because it would have been much easier, but finally God helped me to tell him face to face, and it was much better 🙂
Hey again Mary! I know I’m one of the people who advised you against talking to the guy…..I just want to say, I may be wrong! Maybe it would be wise to talk to him…I still lean toward the opinion that it’s best to leave it alone (for now) as long as there is no awkwardness or sign of him “wanting more” in the relationship….But agian, maybe approaching him would be better!! And maybe it hasn’t been the best course of action for me, but is what is best for you…I think maybe if you did approach him, it’s best to really consider what you are going to say before you say it! Because, like I mentioned below, you DO want to be friends, and (if I’m understanding correctly) you don’t currently feel like he necessarily wants anything different (tho he may), you just want to make it clear that for now, you just want to be friends. So I guess maybe approaching him might be okay, just be careful how you go about it and your choice of words…. I guess I was quick to say “Don’t approach!” because one time a guy who liked me (he was totally respectful about it tho!) found out I didn’t return his affection, but I relayed that message in the wrong way and he thought i dind’t like him at ALL! He was really hurt and didn’t talk to me for about 3 months because he thought I hated him! We cleared it up and now he’s one of my best friends…I wish that never had happened (tho God has used it for his glory), because now, (I don’t know my future and right now we ARE just friends) I could see myself marrying him one day possibly even though at that time I though “never in a million years!”….I just don’t want you to experience the pain of losing that friendship (whether permanently or temporarily) so I just encourage you to be wise in your approach…Also, I’m just curious, how long and you and this guy been friends? If you just recently became good friends, I think it’s a lot less awkward to talk to him now than it would be if you all have been friends for a long time…So as I’ve thought about it more, maybe approaching him would’nt be a wrong choice…Sorry if my advise wasn’t as thought out as it should’ve been or the right one…. again, jsut be careful if you do decide to talk to him!!!
Asking the woman from your church whom you mentioned might also be a good idea…getting her advise. But most importantly, PRAY about it! God will reveal to you the proper course of action! =) Again, I”m sorry if my advise wasn’t the best..I should’ve thought it through more….
sorry…this comment was basically following my train of thought as I typed…I hope it makes sense… ;P
Hello :-)! I really understand your fears and I can see you’re really caring, thank you! And don’t worry about not being sure you gave me the best advices, I asked because I didn’t know what to do, so it was useful to have different opinions on the question ;-). Well, I’ve finally talked to him, and I think he wasn’t offended. In fact he told me he was glad I did it and that it could prevent even more awkward discussions later (for exemple if one of us began to talk about “liking” each other a lot). I’m really relieved now, and it doesn’t look like we’re going to stop being friends. And you’re right, it was easier because we haven’t been friends for more than a few months, so it was more “natural”. Anyway, this situation really made me run to God even more, and I want to be sure always to stand as near of my Savior as I was then, it was a good lesson ;-).
And I’m also praying for your situation, our feelings are often so troubling! If this is the guy God has chosen for you, he will not let old stories and scars prevent his perfect plans from realizing! And if he isn’t, it is better for him to realize it now 🙂
And I forgot to thank you for advising me to take it to my parents, because I finally did it, and it really helped! They are really the first persons God has put in our lives, and we should use their wisdom 😉
Hi Mary! I”m so glad God helped you through this situation!!! God is always so faithful to help us in our hard times. =) And I often find I grow closer to God than ever before during the difficult times…
And that’s SO wonderful that you told your parents…but gosh, isn’t it hard to work up the courage at first??? I know how hard that is, so I commend you strongly for telling them with the knowledge of how hard that must have been for you!! But it’s so funny how it IS so hard, and yet it’s always better in the end… =)
Yes, it was hard, but then I was glad it was done!
This is very often the case with faith, we know it will good, but we still aren’t naturally brave enough to do it! We can only lean on God’s strength! 🙂
And thank you for your prayers! =D
Honestly, I don’t think there’s a perfect answer. My advice is to clear it up right away, and if he was in it only because of romantic attraction, then he may start to pull away. But if he is willing to be a good friend, then such an admission shouldn’t set back your relationship too much. But I would pray about it, and maybe ask your parents what they think, before doing anything. I hope this helped, and sorry I couldn’t give you a better answer.
Good points, Benjamin! I haven’t read all the comments quite yet, but apparently there’s been some discussion on whether or not to tell the person outright that you just want to be friends.
What I would like to add is that, if you do tell the person, please be absolutely sure you won’t express your interest in them anytime soon. I’m not saying this of you in particular, but I think people should know that if you aren’t careful, a lot of pain and confusion can be caused by this.
It’s simply that, if a girl is assured that the relationship is only a friendship, and takes the guy at his word only to have him express romantic interest a short time later…well, it just hurts. Ugh…does this make any sense at all?
Agreed!!!
🙂 I’m glad you got the message, I get kind of jumbled up when I get emotional. XD
I think I got it, and good point as well! Staying consistent is absolutely a must. Trust me, I’ve been there, except with a girl lol… And it does hurt, both you and the friendship. Thanks for bringing that up, I had totally not thought of that lol! 🙂
I’m certainly sure it can go both ways, so yes, it’s something for girls to be aware of as well! And you’re welcome, I’m glad I could contribute!
Taking it to parents: yes, yes, YES!! Such good advice peoples!
Its the hardest step tho! For me at least, its just weird talking about things like that to my parents…
Yeh, it can be scary! Though I’m thankful my parents have always encouraged me to talk to them about this stuff, so it’s slightly less uncomfortable for me.
Hi Nathan,
Further to what Benjamin said, I would seriously consider taking it to the other person and make it clear you’re not interesting in anything other than being a brother. Because in my experience, things are far better in the light (be it a little embarrassing at first) than festering in the dark. I like to have the mantra of “being above reproach”, especially in this area
Taking it to God is always the first step though 😉
Hmm I have a lot of advice on not a godly way to handle attraction. Sadly. Just a couple things I learned were that texting late at night was not a great idea ( not that I said anything wrong but your senses are not as sharp. 11 is time to put the phone away or me). Also don’t let every conversation you have be flirty. I get that some conversations are taken as flirty or it may be accidental or whatever but the less the better. You really can get your heart tangled up and instead of being just friends like you want to be you are basically dating in your heart and then you’ve got all those heart strings attached to that person. I prayed a lot about the strings. Actually they looked like fishing hooks on lines connecting me to his heart. So I would pray and would let go of a few strings. Then a few more. Of course some of those stings are pretty deep and yanno they all leave scars. Some deeper than others.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only guy in the universe who’s never struggled with flirting with close female friends over texting…lol.
Lucky you! Haha i find it funny how easy it is to flirt over texting when you start teasing and then the conversation goes to the other person teasing and yeah. Lol it’s interesting
OH and lemmr clarify. I’m
Not like that with every guy I talk to. And it isn’t me instigating. But if/ when someone does I may not technically realize that it is flirting but I reply back with something similar anyways. I’m a working progress… Slowly but surely
Hahah I didn’t think you were 😉
Wow, you painted a really moving picture at the end there.
I feel ya, Laini… I feel ya.
The strings… oh yes, I soooo know what you mean girl.
So many times the way I’ve acted has ruined my friendships just because I started wanting more from it. But from a girl’s perspective here you go:
Treat her like the other girls. If you you start treating her differently she’s going to know something is different with how you feel. I had a guy who started giving me more time and attention and I started to like him and was figuring we would start dating and then he told me he actually didn’t have an interest in me. Ouch. Broken heart. So don’t make her feel like there is something when you know you don’t want there to be.
I agree with not texting late at night. Too many things can get said that the next morning you’ll regret. Always think, will you regret it in the morning.
And no touchy! Even for girls that sparks something. Even a hug as a “brother in Christ” can have them wondering if it meant more.
Stay in groups. And if you happen to be alone, be respectable to her but don’t have a serious and super deep conversation. It opens your heart too much.
Guard your heart. Pray about it. If you are attracted to a girl, that’s normal. If you don’t want to become more than friends, then get to know her as a friend and nothing more. Just don’t put yourself in a situation where either of you could get hurt.
Thank-you, Hana. Good points there.
Well said, Hana! I agree especially about not having serious and deep conversations when you’re alone. I crave those types of conversations so much, and they can seem harmless, but in those situations they generally just lead to pain.
Bravo Hana! You don’t want to give people false impressions or unintentionally lead them on because you’re just trying to be kind. Believe me, It’s happened!
Hi, first off God gave you those desires! Which is awesome but needs to be in purity 🙂
I think you should try talking 🙂 Relationships (of any kind) are best in person, even if it can be awkward.
“The best way to loose a friend is to date him/her”
#akwardisawesome
Yep yep. My thoughts exactly @guyinchicago:disqus ! 🙂
Looks like some good answers have already arrived on this platform…
I would agree that texting late at night is not a good idea. But just a question: what’s the point of texting at all? I’m not meaning to be cynical here, but just curious. Honestly, what are our motives for texting this person? (Answers, anybody?)
I just use texting as a means of conversation. It’s certainly good not to text too much or too late (both of which I’m afraid I’ve slipped up on), but I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with texting itself. I use texting to stay caught up with people I don’t see very often. And I almost never use phone calls because they stress me out. XD
Admittedly, there’s a big difference between texting a friend and someone you’re attracted to, so texting wouldn’t be a good idea if it leads you in the wrong direction.
Thanks Christy, that was helpful. And I know what you mean about phone calls… sometimes, before I phone somebody, I write a little plan, including the following: what to say when they answer the phone, points I hope to cover during the conversation, potential responses they may give and how I will deal with these, how to respond to their questions, how to end the conversation etc. 🙂 It’s a bit crazy, but it helps… 😀
Thanks for the tips! Lol, I’m not much of a planner but maybe I should start. Right now I’m working on stopping my incessant pacing during phone calls. XD
Just pace yourself, and you’ll get there. ;-D
For me, texting helps me get to know a person better and to be better friends. If you’re a girl (not you personally of course Sam ;P) and I ask for your number, it’s just because I want to get to know you better as a friend, not because I have ulterior motives or want to date you secretly haha. Did that answer your question? =)
That awkward moment of asking a guy friend for his number. XD Or maybe it’s just me lol.
Ha! No, I get ya! It’s probably worse for you though because you’re a gal. =P
Is it? I have no idea how it is for guys. XD But maybe it depends more on one’s level of social awkwardness than anything else, lol. I can be pretty awkward and I think I hide it rather miserably at times haha. (*cue embarrassing memories*) XD
I understand!! I try not to be weird to others!! I can be pretty straight forward and blunt sometimes!!
Same… 😉
Oh yay!!…I’m not alone here!!! lol! 😉
Most certainly not alone! 😉
Hey, I might already know, but I don’t remember ’cause I haven’t been on there in a while, Are you on Revive?
Umm, well I have an account there, but I don’t use it. My parents weren’t sure if they wanted me to be a part of it right now.
Okey dokey!! I understand.
🙂
Okay, so I haven’t been on in a couple of days, please tell me what “Revive” is. 🙂
It’s a site that Sam. S started originally for sharing prayer requests with other Rebelutionaries, but it’s kinda “evolved” into almost a Christian Facebook. If you wanna check it out, here’s the link: http://revivingtheredeemed.org =)
Oh wow! Thank you, this looks awesome!
=)
Revive is a website made to share your burdens and prayer requests with
other Christian teens, as well as to grow your prayer life with the
Lord.
http://www.revivingtheredeemed.org/index.php?r=user/auth/login
Haha, thanks! And hey, being straightforward can be a good quality! I’m usually not too awkward, but if you (for example) say or do something totally unexpected, I will literally stand there and stare at you, speechless.
And those moments are very, very awkward. XD
Yeah, haha!! 😉
Well see guys are generally the ones who start friendships, unless you’re like an overly-flirty girl. So I mean yeah, I’ve had a couple girls ask for my number, but it’s generally the guy who does it. Get what I’m saying? =P We all feel awkward sometimes, don’t worry ;P
I mean, look at me, I’m a guitar with arms. Do you have any idea how awkward it is walking into a room for the first time??? People see this:
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8871c6ca76c08d4dee19620b54b6ebfc86ff97c01f13c6149dd88fa94b292fbd.jpg
and they freak out lol jk. =P
Hmm…I see your point. Well, the last two times I exchanged numbers with a guy, I was the one who asked. XD But with both of them we’d been friends for a while and it just made sense.
Lol!!! That was so perfect! XD I love that you felt the need to add “jk”, like I might think you’re being serious. XD I’m dying here lol!!
Haha thanks *bows* =P
you know me, I don’t ever text/email/pm/even follow guys unless its for a specific reason.
And I hate seeing other girls flirt. I’m like “REALLY??”
Like your pic 😀
Yup!
Oh, remember that gal from Revive I told you about a while back whose number I got? We’ve become great friends and haven’t flirted once. 😉 Just sayin’. =)
Thank you *bows* lol.
lol. I’m totally not trying to say that’s what all people should do. Its just my standards. I’m glad you have healthy relationships with girls. I didn’t mean to sound like I was throwing stones or anything!
Okey dokey! You’re fine! =)
I’m sorry if I sounded judgmental. I probably should have rethought that before I posted it. I’ve not been thinking well lately!
You’re fine! =)
Yep!!
Well, for me, email IM, and Skype messaging is my version of texting. I do it because it’s an easy platform to talk when meeting up isn’t an option, such as a friend in Pennsylvania or another friend recovering from surgery and is hardly ever out of her house. It allows me to check on them, generally carry on conversation and discuss things while not having to arrange a get-together.
Skype: Ten times more stressful than a regular phone call. XD
For right now because I don’t have unlimited texting per month, I actually try not to do most of my conversations with friends over text and limit my texting to just things that need a response right away, but for actually keeping up with friends I do email, facebook private messaging, or the good ol’ fashioned snail-mail letter. 😉 But I can definitely see texting as a great way to stay in touch with someone as well if they do have unlimited texting.
LETTER??? What’s that?? lol jk =)
Haha! I know, right?! 😉
I am a bit old fashioned I must admit. I also still have what I call my “dumb” phone. 😉
Somebody else who sends stuff snail-mail?!?!? I’m not alone 😉
Yay! You do snail-mail too?! That is awesome! It is becoming a lost art, but it is seriously one of the best things in the world to receive a handwritten letter in the mail. 😉
YES. Preach it, sister!
Email is kinda my way of texting until I get a phone. I think when I do get a phone I will not text any guys unless it’s important or something like that after 10pm or so. I think that would be a good rule. If someone texts me I would only answer if I think I need to, otherwise it can wait till the next day! Just saying.
I would agree. If texting the person isn’t a necessity; to send a reminder or an event announcement et cetera, then don’t. One on one are generally bad ideas especially over text message where its a closed conversation.
Why? I text members of the opposite gender all the time, and nothing bad has come of it. In fact, one of my current best friends is a gal I met on Revive – we swapped numbers and have been texting literally almost every night since then. And we haven’t flirted once, but we have become great friends. =)
That being said, my dad does look over my messages sometimes, so I’m not like completely accountability-less lol.
Well, while i don’t see anything wrong with friendly texting, maybe we should keep in mind that it’s more of a stumbling block for some people than it is for others, ya know? In that case, I applaud those who forgo texting, because they know it’s a place where they might be weaker to temptation… just thoughts 🙂
Agreed. =) Like I said elsewhere in this thread, sometimes I feel like the only guy who’s never flirted/wanted to flirt with a close female friend over texting lol.
Yeah, I get it. It bothers me (though I am guilty as any, at times) when girls judge all guys by how a few act. I mean, there are guys who honestly just want to be friends!
THANK YOU lol. =)
TRUE THAT!!! I hate it when people stereotype…. =P
Indeed. 🙂 I also find it slightly annoying when people say that girls are complicated and guys are simple. That’s only one way of looking at it… human nature is complicated on both sides, and it’s a bit presumptuous for somebody to make a generalisation when they can’t ever fully understand everyone’s point of view. I guess what matters here is that we shift the focus from our own flimsy analyses of these problems (which go on forever and really don’t accomplish that much) to the real concern: finding fulfilment in our responsibilities right now.
(Sorry if that was a bit off-topic…)
Hey no worries, i like off topic conversation! And i must say, i’ve never thought of it like that, but that was a very thoughtful comment! (this is why i like semi-random conversation :D)
“It’s more of a stumbling block for some people than it is for others”. Exactly. I, for instance, would have a problem with texting a girl almost every night. If other people can do it from pure motives, then that’s great – but it should not become an excuse for me to do something which I feel is wrong.
Exactly. 🙂
Hi Guitar with Arms!
You see in what I have seen often happen around me is “brothers and sisters in Christ” that text each other often and more often that not one or the other becomes attracted to the other in ways that is not appropriate for brothers and sisters in Christ and usually results in complications and uncomfortable situations that often take their attention away their relationship with the Lord and instead occupy themselves trying to sort out their strange “in-between” relationship. So I did not mean that brothers and sisters in Christ should not or can not have totally pure relationships and text. But what I have seen and walked into myself at times has taught me that it may be best to abstain from texting brothers for anything else except general purposes (homework, announcements, school projects, etc.) and leave brother-sister relationship building for when you are in person. This is my conviction and I apologize if it seemed that I was hammering it down as something bad.
Ok! I understand! I hope I didn’t come across as “that guy” trying to shove “meat sacrificed to idols” down your throat, haha. =) (I’m talking about Romans 14).
Not at all! I really appreciate you’re questioning why. It really made me think again why I manage my relationships with other people in such a way. So thank you for making me think hard about that Brother.
@Everybody, good thoughts on texting… you’ve basically said it all 🙂
*wishes typing @everybody would actually tag everybody*
ikr… 😛
In answer to your question, here are my thoughts based on my own personal experience:
I have multiple close guy friends and some of them live far away from me, so I cannot see them as often as I would like. Texting, for me personally, is an excellent platform that allows me to stay connected with these friends when I cannot see them in person. I think it’s important for me to keep these relationships intact because they are a huge encouragement to me and I can only hope that they receive as much encouragement from me. I’ve found that as long as myself and the guy I’m texting have pure motives and only want to bless each other, then there are no issues.
While texting members of the opposite gender may not be a good idea for some, it does work for me. But that’s just me. ^_^
*reads comments*
*is very impressed*
Wow guys. You covered this topic really well! I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said! Thanks to all who contributed! Keep the good stuff coming 😉
Haha my thoughts exactly!
Hi Ethan! You make some good points, but I would like to clarify that Romans 1:26-27 isn’t referring to those who deliberately choose to stay single. It’s talking about people who put aside natural relations to sin–and it specifically refers to homosexuality.
As a matter of fact, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul encourages people to stay single. However, he makes it clear that there is nothing wrong with getting married, and that if staying single causes us to sin, we should absolutely get married! That being said, unless God has called you to get married, there is nothing wrong with deliberately staying single.
Good point, C.
Thank you. 🙂
You are correct to clarify that Romans 1:26-27 isn’t referring to all those who deliberately choose to stay single. Yet, if the reason a person stays single is because of believing that nature is evil, then they are on the road to homosexuality.
Paul’s encouragement in 1 Corinthians 7 is to singleness on the one hand, and also to marriage on the other hand (particularly in verse 2). His encouragement to singleness though, is so that we can fulfill God’s calling for us as far as our service to Christ is concerned (whether preaching, or other ministry in the Church; so we can more fully give ourselves to fasting and prayer, and the giving of alms). But, lest we should use our singleness to live to please ourselves, Paul says that Christians should marry to avoid fornication. Each individual is different: but God does not bind unequivocally some to singleness. Some have used the liberty to be single as a cloak for vice, just as much as some have used the liberty to marry as a cloak for vice. Let all things be done through Christ.
Thank you for responding! I agree with what you’ve said. I think that your original comment wasn’t very clear to me and I assumed you were saying something other than what you meant. I appreciate you taking the time to clear things up. 🙂
@Ethan “I would argue that deliberately avoiding dating/courtship/marriage can
be a sinful setting aside of nature (which is what Romans 1:26-27 talks
about” – WOW!! never thought of it like that!!
Hey Gabrielle, I don’t want to reiterate what I said earlier (especially considering you most likely already read it), but that’s really a misinterpretation of Scripture and that worries me. This is what Romans 1:26-27 says:
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
If you’re curious, the version I used was the NIV, but any version says essentially the same thing.
I also really encourage you to read the whole of both that chapter and 1 Corinthians 7 to see things in context. The two chapters: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+1&version=NIV and https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+7&version=NIV
Now I think that most of 1 Corinthians 7 applies very well to this, but these are a few specific verses:
36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.
39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
I know this is a rather long response, but it’s a very important subject. Thank you for your time, God bless! 🙂
I agree Christy! Good points!
Thanks, Nathan, I appreciate that!
Yep sure Christy!!
Ok…….so are you refuting something? What does this have to do with my above comment? Help me understand, ’cause I’m a little lost here.
What you said was good though, btw.
Well… from my point of view… that passage in Romans isn’t talking about not dating is wrong. I think it is talking about when when decide to date men… so it’s talking about homosexuals.
I totally agree. If you read my comment, (actually I was quoting someone and agreeing), you’ll see that I was talking about something completely different. What Christy said and what you’re saying is not really applicable to my comment.
OK, sorry for the confusion. We just thought that you were agreeing with his stance, which doesn’t line up with the one we are pointing out.
In your own words and with your understanding, what is his stance?
I feel that his comment of deliberately setting aside dating/courtship/marriage is sinful is not accurate. After all, you agree that the passage in question is talking about homosexuals, not abstaining from marriage. So I feel he is misinterpreting the passage.
Got it…I think. So, you were disagreeing with the interpretation of the verse, not so much the actual comment?
Hey, so I’m still really confused lol. XD However, if you meant something different, then that’s all I need to understand. Basically I saw you were agreeing with him on something I thought was Biblically incorrect. I talked to him, though, and cleared some things up. 🙂
As I asked Nathan, what don’t you agree with exactly? What I quoted him on above doesn’t apply or isn’t opposed to what you were saying. I just want to know what you are thinking so we can be on the same page here.
Well, he referenced that passage in Romans and stated that “deliberately avoiding dating/courtship/marriage can
be a sinful setting aside of nature”. I thought he was saying that avoiding marriage or dating is a sin, and I wanted to clear that up. I referenced Corinthians to show that being single (or deliberately avoiding a relationship for good reasons) isn’t a bad thing at all.
Ethan clarified by saying that what he meant was that deliberately avoiding a relationship because you see marriage and such as evil is dangerous.
Does that make more sense? 🙂
Got it!! We’re on the same page now.
Well, I think it’s more of a personal thing. I for one, don’t really talk to guy friends if I’m emotional at a particular time. Let me put it this way, sometimes your possible attraction and genuine love for someone can cause your thought to run wild mixed with raging hormones and emotions, I’m not really sure how to explain it. Hopefully this makes some kind of sense to you.
P.S. ~ Just to not cause confusion to you or anyone else I could get rid of the comment. Maybe it’s more of a personal thing, for me.
So I recently went through the same thing. There was someone I was really attracted to and who I knew was attracted to me. It never went to the friendship stage, for which I am so thankful since we ended up moving.
I have decided that I do not ever want to date. i will not give away my heart.
I have given God my heart and He is the only person trustworthy enough to give my heart away for me.
People ask if I’m discontent not dating or even having a special “someone.” Right now I’m not. I will always have my highs and lows. But I firmly believe that God has a special plan for me. I am not going to mess it up.
I would encourage you to have healthy friendships. I wouldn’t be overly involved over social media, but hanging out in groups or just talking occasionally can be really fun.
Think of your future spouse. Be faithful to them even in your teens.
Hi Nathan! I’m almost 21, so I’m not a teen anymore, but I hope what I have to say is helpful (from a girl’s perspective).
When I was 17, I met an awesome Christian guy 2 years older than me, and we were immediately attracted to each other. It was hard, because we clicked so well, and became great friends. Also, I couldn’t avoid him, as we worked together almost everyday, same shift. We never discussed “liking” each other, and things never went beyond a normal friendship, but I was definitely uncomfortable with the whole arrangement.
This isn’t a story of how I figured out the magic cure to the messy world of sexual attraction. Actually, he started working somewhere else after a year, so we didn’t see each other very often. But the point is, being near or far from that person may be less awkward for you, but it won’t lessen sexual attraction. In my case, I thought about him even more when he wasn’t around.
In-the-moment emotions are tough, but memorizing Bible verses about the beauty of God, hanging out with the opposite gender in a mixed group settings with adults present, and TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS are all very helpful ways to handle it. I say handle it instead of erase it. Teenage years are tough, but you’ll never outgrow sexual attraction. Taking away the struggle now, when it is so hard, would rob you of valuable experience later down the road.
But seriously, read about the beauty of God! It is amazing.
Talking to your parents, YEEESSS!!!!!!
Good point… by doing that, you’re protecting not only yourself but him as well.
Yes. Though just to clarify, how would you say I’m protecting him too?
I don’t know the situation, but my guess is that you’re keeping a similar temptation away from him. Make sense? (Believe it or not, guys can be emotional too.)
Yeh, quite possibly. Haha, I do know it! In fact this guy is probably the most emotional one I know.
EXACTLY!! You’re right on.
Hey, Nathan I really appreciate that question. What I think your saying is how do I stay pure and stay friends with said person. The best way is to stay Godly! deepen your relationship with Him, ultimatly He is the One who can help you most in these situations. Rely on Him. Side note: From a guy’s perspective respect her and treat her like a sister in Christ (thats really what she is). Don’t try to handle this situation on your own go to the One who knows you the best! There is plenty more that could be said on this subject, but I’ll leave it at this for now. Hope that was helpful.
I’m experiencing this too presently.
Better cling to God rather than to your feelings. Having a mature Christian to talk to is also helpful. These kind of feelings are blessings too!
Just continue to treat her as how the Word tells you to.
I think in this case we have to think about it both from our perspective, as guys, but also from the girls perspective. We should continue to love them and be friends with them, but sometimes what looks like (physical and emotional intimacy) is quite the opposite. We selfishly become intimate with said person, without thinking about how it affects them. Girls are very emotion/relationship-based, so if we get intimate with them on an emotional level, it can end up causing them and us both a great deal of pain. (Even if it at some point, we decide to pursue them.)
Nice to see me again too. . .or to see you see me. I mean, nice to you too!
I. Have the same question, not the answer.
Start by being nothing more than friends, and see how the person you are attracted to feels about you.