To the Girl Who Thinks She Needs to Change for a Boyfriend

In junior high and most of high school, I was the girl who never got asked out on a date, or even asked to dance at the school dances. As I read my Christian romance books, I longed for a guy like those characters to appear in my life and sweep me off my feet. Yet each day, I watched my friends and classmates receive the attention of the guys rather than me.

It starts to wear on you. As much as you want to believe you’re an independent girl, finding her contentment in Christ alone, there’s always this nagging feeling prying at the edges of your heart sneering, “It must be because you’re so ugly,” or, “You’re just so clumsy and awkward,” or, “You’re just too quiet.”

It doesn’t help when relatives begin asking questions. “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” To which you can only shake your head. “You need to get more involved,” they reply. They begin to suggest that you take up sports (or spend less time doing sports), and that you do more with your hair. You need to stop being so introspective. And on and on the advice goes.

As you watch the guys in your classroom or youth group flock to the other girls around you, maybe you take a glance in the window and see your reflection. As you stare into the face of the boyfriend-less girl staring back at you, you begin to wonder if perhaps you need to change.

I know I did. I even called one of those girls when I got home one day and said, “I need to change and be more like you. What should I do?”

If this is you, let me encourage you: God created you just the way you are, and He’s already at work in you—though perhaps not in the sense you think. And you don’t need to change just to get a boyfriend.

How God Created You

God created each of us in His image out of true delight.

He didn’t create us because He had a need to fulfill in Himself or because He needed someone to accomplish His purposes—He is fully sufficient in communion through the Trinity and able to achieve His purposes by His mighty hand.

It was out of this self-sufficiency that He chose to delight in creating each of us, including you. We are all wonderfully and fearfully made because He is awesome and mighty (Ps. 139:13–16).

Only a skillful artist can create beauty.

Out of this love and delight, God created you to bring Him glory. As the Westminster Shorter Catechism declares, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” Our purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him through our ordinary work, our relationships, our worship, and by being a part of God’s church (particularly a local community of believers).

How God is at Work in You

Despite this beautiful story and purpose, we know we all fail at this daily. This is because the first man, Adam, sinned and every person now inherits a sin nature. We no longer glorify God as we were created to; instead, we sin, which earns us God’s righteous wrath.

Yet we know this isn’t the end of the narrative—God the Father provided Jesus Christ, His Son, to die in our place. By His death, Jesus took God’s wrath and punishment upon Himself for the sins of those who trust in Him for salvation. By His resurrection, He gives us new life, both for here and the future.

By His grace, Jesus gives each of His people the ability to glorify God again with their lives and fulfill their purpose of reflecting God to the world. He promises to work in each of us, chiseling our hearts and reforming our minds to conform to His holiness. Though growth may seem sluggish and imperceivable at times, He who calls you is faithful; He will surely sanctify you (1 Thess. 5:23–24; Phil. 1:6).

Our growth and change aren’t in our hands to create. It’s all in His power by His grace.

We can bring no change within ourselves without Him first showing us the way—turning our hearts and minds in the right direction—and giving our hands the strength to do it.

Change for God, Not for Man

What does all of this have to do with finding a boyfriend? Everything, because the gospel permeates everything—like frozen blueberries being mixed into a batch of muffins.

Our desire to change so we can get a boyfriend is a misstep. We need to first have our eyes set on Christ; we should be changing our ways to be in obedience to His Word, not the social steps that may grant us a boyfriend.

Our goal should not be on getting a boyfriend but on holiness. You see, we receive saving grace and the grace for sanctification not by earning it—we are too sinful to earn it! Rather, it is the free gift of God to those who trust in Jesus. We then obey and seek to glorify God out of gratitude for what He has done for us. If your goal is attracting a boyfriend, you have put a guy in the place of God in your life.

With our love and desires so out of order, we need to spend time reordering our lives before seeking a boyfriend.

So be patient, dear sister. Focus on what God is doing in your life right now to grow you into holiness. Make your life an offering of gratitude to God for all that He has done for you, and trust in Him to do the work.