rebelling against low expectations

How do you deal with a guy or girl who keeps flirting with you?

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LYDIA WRITES: I am having issues with a certain guy in my youth group and I’m not sure how to send him the message that I am not interested without being unduly rude.

I care about him as a friend and, therefore, want to continue a relationship on that level but I do not want him to get the wrong ideas.

I have told him that the only relationship I am interested in is my relationship with Christ but he will not stop flirting even when I have told him I don’t appreciate that.

So what do I do to send him the message that I am ONLY interested in a friendship with him nothing more? Tips?!


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  • Oh my, well. I have no idea, Lydia! I have never really had this problem. Maybe try telling him again? And talking to your parents might help too.
    I’m sorry if none of this helps, I would want advice too!

    First to comment! 😛

    • Lol, congratulations! I’ve had a chance to be the first to comment several times, but I run and hide when I see that blank space under the comment box… XD

        • Good for you! Maybe I’ll be brave enough to do that someday. 😉 Well…I think one time I was almost first, but I was writing a super long comment so three other people managed to publish theirs before me. XD

    • Hey! thanks for the comment! I have actually told my parents but they don’t take me seriously and they take the whole situation as one big joke and tease me relentlessly about it!

      • Well that’s no fun! Maybe have them see how he acts around you??
        *shrugs* I don’t even know. If I told my parents that, they would probably, like, talk to the guy for a long time and then ban him from ever talking to me again (that was probably a bit exaggerated, oh well :P)

  • Part of the problem might be that you and this young man don’t have the same definition of flirting. It’s possible he has no idea how he’s coming across.

    Or then again, maybe he does. =P

    • Some people are 100% unintentional flirters. They may not be romantically interested in you, but they just flirt with everyone. From the amount of info we have, I couldn’t make a real guess as to which one it is.

      • You know I’m not sure if that fits him either but even if he is a ‘100% unintentional flirter’ how do I get it across to him that I am simply not interested even in harmless flirting?

    • So, everybody — not expecting you to answer, Brett, but you’re free to answer if you want to! — what do you do if you’re trying to deal with somebody like Brett describes? Where he doesn’t really know how he’s coming across, but it’s making me really, really uncomfortable?

      • I replied to you, but apparently my comment is “waiting to be approved by The Rebelution”. Hopefully it’s coming soon!

      • Dude, I don’t know…I’ve experienced that a couple times and it creeps me out! So are you dealing with someone like that right now or is it hypothetical?

      • I’m the type of person who can actually come across as flirty because I’m very open and like to tease and compliment my friends as a way to bond quickly, which is important for kids who don’t stay in one place very long (TCKs, military kids, missionary kids and the like). If you know the person well enough to feel pretty sure that they like you as a person and they want to deepen the relationship, but they aren’t asking for a dating relationship directly, just keep it light, keep your own boundaries, and continue being friends. If you do turn out feeling uncomfortable with their amount of flirty manners, hopefully your relationship will have progressed enough to tell them privately and not lose them.

        • I’ve moved a lot too – are you a TCK, military kid, missionary kid, or the like? My family just moves a lot… I’m none of the above!
          Thanks for your advice, Rachel!

    • Thanks Brett! It seems purposeful but I don’t know for sure! I’ll try to tell him off… again.

  • Let him do his thing. Don’t encourage him, but continue being kind to him. Sooner or later he will get it.

  • Maybe ask your dad or pastor for help? They might be able to talk some sense into him… 😛 Praying for wisdom would be helpful as well. 🙂 I’ve never really had much trouble with this (the times that I did, I wonder if it was just me overreacting, not necessarily the guy’s fault), but I hope you are able to work something out, Lydia!

    • I’ve asked my parents but they haven’t taken me seriously about it, they simply tease me! Thanks for the comment!

  • I’ve found that brothers and my dad are the best protection if I’ve made it clear that I’m not interested in a relationship, just hanging around them keeps most guys away.

    But also, I have yet to find someone who made it clear that he was interested in me, where we could keep on being normal friends just like we’d always been; I had to pull away from the friendship almost entirely before the guy got the point. Eventually you two can be friends like you are now, but for a while there it might not be possible.

    • Theoretically that’s a great idea but the issue is that the times where I see this guy away from my fam is when he flirts. When my family’s there he is a perfect gentleman thus my family doesn’t take me seriously about it!

      • Ohhh, that’s a bummer. 🙁 Like, a serious bummer. Well, other people are giving great advice on here, so I’ll just bow out and let them tell you 🙂 I’m getting a lot from this conversation, too!
        And I’ll be praying for you!

  • Tell him (when the two of you are not around your friends) that he might not intentionally mean to flirt with you, but that is how you are taking it as. Then politely ask him to stop and tell him your not ready for a dating relationship and you are more than happy to be friends. If he still keeps it up, then you should get his parents and the youth pastor. Tell them whats going on. Then consider if you should get some time and space away from him.

  • Honestly, my suggestion is to politely request he ceases the behavior and give an example of it using “I” statements. If it doesn’t work, take it to a leader that you trust who should be able to help. In my experience, if you don’t give an example of how he is acting, he can’t rectify it if he cares to stop.

  • If you are not interested in having more than just a friend relationship, and you have told him this then tell him you can’t be friends if he keeps this act going.

  • I am probably not one to give advice, because my first instinct when I think a guy likes me is to start being sharp and short with the guy (even if I actually like the him ). 😉 But maybe you could politely talk to him and explain to him how he is coming across to you and then ask him what his intentions are in the way he behaves around you. If he admits that he is purposely flirting with you and won’t stop, than I personally would probably just send him to my dad or ask my dad to talk to him, because most dad’s will be pretty firm with the guy who is causing trouble when it comes to protecting their princesses. 😉
    But don’t take my example of being mean or rude. That doesn’t really solve problems. It usually just digs a deeper ditch. 😉

    • You know I think what you said really helps because I’m finding gentle just isn’t working!

  • How do I deal with someone that keeps on flirting with me? Sorry: never had that problem. Honest. I was the cause of it a couple times though, before the Lord rebuked me in that area. However, when I found out that someone liked me and I (not lightly said) believed that it was not God’s will for us to get married, I prayed regularly for them for a month and a half that God would lead them in His will (away from me) and it worked. Some people are more direct, but if I were in your situation I’m more one to drop hints said in jest.

    • Thank goodness God rebuked you!

      So, you think that It is possible for them to have a change of hear then?

      • It is possible. The closer they are to the Lord/the stronger their walk with the Lord is/the more tuned in to God they are/the more honest with God they are, the faster. If they have a mediocre to weak walk with the Lord like I did at the age of 16, then it’ll take longer or not happen at all (because it depends on if they’re listening to what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell them or not). Actually, my mom confronted me about it and we talked and prayed together and God used that to bring me under deep conviction that what I had done was wrong and that I should totally surrender that area of my life to Him and leave it in His hands.

  • Shmack him upshide the noggin! Sorry that’s bad advice. Don’t take that advice. 😁 Hmmm… That’s a tough situation. I don’t really know what to tell you. Seems everyone else has covered all the bases. 🙂 Be honest, real, and seek God in the matter!

  • I had the same problem, only it got way out of hand and honestly I had to tell the principal (it was in school not youth group). There is not an easy way (that i know of) to do it if you’ve already made it clear. If he doesn’t stop you will have to straight up tell him how you feel, but that is sometimes uncomfortable to do, especially if you don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve gotten some advice on this that you might be able to try before that though haha. Basically everyone in my school knew about it and one guy told me to call him “buddy” because that is an automatic friend-zoning technique 😛 I also always use the i-don’t-want-a-relationship-because-i’m-only-*insert age here*-and-have-the-rest-of-my-life card. One of my friends sent me this video because it applied to my situation and definitely provided “comic relief” so you COULD send it to him XD I hope it helps just for the fun of it and just remember that it isn’t the end of the world; which I failed to realize 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=925cxSDJrCc&list=UU0jIctUPBK6lHw4AYnGHvCA

    • OK guys @Kittenese:[email protected]:[email protected]_c:[email protected]_blake:disqus (just tagging you because this is kind of an old post so I’m hoping the notification in your inbox will bother you enough to reply :D) I have a problem. Yesterday at school, a kid came up to me and handed me this note. It said that he liked me and he called me stuff like “very polite”, “an angel”, and “the nicest person I’ve ever met.” While all that stuff is sweet and all, I’m….not interested in him. At all. I barely even know this kid. He’s expecting me to send him a reply note or something telling him if I like him or not on Monday. I would always use the “I’m too young to date and my dad doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend right now” card except he’s not asking me to be his girlfriend – he just wants to know if I like him, so that rules out that option. How am I supposed to respond to that?!?!?!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (whew) Ok I’m better now :). Anyway, any ideas on how to tell him I don’t like him back without breaking his heart? Thanks! (also, I can’t avoid him any further than Monday morning at school, so….yup.) Thank you Rebs!

      • Hmm… that’s really tough. Maybe I would talk to him later and say something along the lines of, “Thank you, I’m flattered! But sorry, I’m really not interested in having a boyfriend right now.” Maybe. To be honest, I have no idea of the right way to handle this. Anyone else?

      • OH MY GOODNESS I HAVE THE EXACT SAME PROBLEM RIGHT NOW ONLY THE KID PULLED ME ASIDE AND TOLD ME HES LIKED ME FOR 4 YEARS AND I BARELY KNOW HIM… ok so yeah I’m in the same boat as you (he wants an answer other than what I told him which was basically I need time to think and I don’t know who I like) And yes i’m not really interested…. So I was thinking about saying that I do not have time for a relationship, I can’t handle one right now, and I do not really like anyone. I’m still freaking out haha but this is 100% true because I have a lot on my plate right now and I barely know this guy. Also, maybe that you/I do not want to keep him waiting because it is not fair to him while you “make up your mind.” And honestly, I have no idea where he is right now in his faith with God because I need a strong Christian. I feel like if I tried to say that it would come out wrong and judgmental. So that’s my advice…? Not sure how good it is because I need advice myself so yeah… 🙂 help us please 😛

      • We are in the same boat my friend– I HAVE THE EXACT SAME PROBLEM RIGHT NOW. Quick back-story: Funny… so the guy who gave me advice about friend-zoning in my comment above actually likes me. He pulled me aside and told me a bunch of nice stuff and how he has liked me for like 4 years. I barely know him. He wants to know if I like him but I basically said I need time, I have a lot going on, and I do not know who I like. I’m kinda freaking out (much like you haha) because he is super nice, but I barely know him and am not really interested. The last thing I want to do is break his heart. He wants an answer and I was thinking about saying (btw this is all 100% true) that I do not really like anyone right now, I do not have time to even look for a relationship, nor do I want one. I can’t handle it right now. And honestly, I don’t know how strong he is in his faith in God, and I need a strong Christian. You/I could also say that you don’t want him to keep waiting for you because that’s not fair to him while you/I “make up your mind.” And I know it took courage for them admit it. But yeah can’t keep avoiding…. so I guess that’s my advice…? Sorry not too sure on this one but I hope it helps 🙂 More advice from the lovely Rebelutionaries would be awesome 😛

        • I’m a lovely Rebelutionary?? Yay!! =) So I left a reply to Emigb4 (too lazy to tag, sorry!) that I think would work for your situation too.
          Still, in addition to that, you could tell him you’re not interested in dating right now, period. I don’t know how long you plan on waiting, but just make it clear to him that you don’t want him to wait.
          But yes, it did take courage…so be gentle but blunt if necessary. As @a_haylie:disqus said! 🙂
          I’ll be praying for you, Lauren! 🙂

      • Look at this, I’ve been tagged! Unfortunately, I don’t get notified when people tag me, so I’m glad I stumbled across this!
        So, I had to deal with this very same situation once (except I think your guy was better at flattering a girl, lol!). I had to think of something on the spot, though. XD Although I did have about an hour to think about what to say, because it literally took him that long to actually say it (even though I knew what he was trying to say the whole time…yeah, awkward!). Anyway, my point is that I understand what you’re dealing with.

        My advice? Be honest. Tell him that, while you really appreciated what he said, you don’t know him very well, and you’d have to get to know him better as a friend to know if you liked him (in that way) or not. Now, we girls know that you by no means have to get to know someone to have a crush on them, but it sounds nice that way. And tell him that you’re open to being friends and getting to know him better, but just be sure you don’t lead him on. Just kind of leave at that (and straight-up tell him to move on if he needs the encouragement! But in a nice way:).

        By the way, all of this is pretty much exactly what I said to that guy. I told my dad about it afterward, and he said that, from a guy’s perspective, he thought I let him down pretty easily. 🙂

        I hope this helps! =) I’ll be praying that it goes well tomorrow!

        • Thats so funny and i’m thankful that I said basically the same thing (it was on the spot too) but apparently he wants to know if I like him or not (which I said I needed to get to know him better) but he hasn’t even come up to me to talk or anything so I don’t see how my answer would change :/ He talks to my friends about it but I don’t know if I should go up to him and say something or wait until he comes up to me…….. I know what I need to say… Thanks for the advice 🙂 And I will be praying for you @disqus_20sNkO4gPg:disqus 🙂

          • I’m glad you know what you need to say! I don’t know this guy, but from what you said it doesn’t sound like he’s acting with much maturity. :/ If you know what you want to say, it may be easier for you to go up to him than wait for him to come to you–it may put you more in control of the conversation and make it easier. Maybe. Just a thought. 😉

      • Sheesh, that’s difficult. Ummm, something like “Thank you for your interest, but I’m not interested in a relationship right now.” I mean, that’s what it seems like he’s really asking — he’s not asking if your’e interested in him as a friend.

        Well, Trent provided comic relief, so I’ll follow in his footsteps 🙂 And they’ve got some good advice in here, too! 🙂
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsoZ0yajAOo

        I’ll be praying for you.

  • Listen, hun. Next time he flirts with you, just stomp on his foot and walk away. It works. Okay, sorry, that might not be what you’re looking for. Ermmmm…. ask him to stop or you’ll report him to the authorities. And if that doesn’t work, walk around with an umbrella and if he gets flirty, open the umbrella like a wall so you don’t have to look at his face. I haven’t tried this one yet.
    I’m not really great with advice on this… I hate when guys flirt with me, so I never really handle it that well. xD Listen to the people that have already commented and are clearly smarter than me.

  • I’ve been in this same situation and haven’t found a clear “ABCs of Friend-zoning” solution. Even though I was outright with the guy, he’s still flirty. I think a lot of the problem was that he conveyed his feelings for me through my friends, and I made the mistakes of conveying my feelings (or lack thereof) through them too. This made things easier for him to act oblivious of the fact that I wasn’t interested. Whatever you do, tell him directly, as not doing so makes any social interaction awkward. I also agree with @run_your_race:disqus that calling him “buddy” or ever “bro” (pretty much anything guys call each other) allows you to convey your point, while leaving the door open for a platonic relationship.

  • Here’s a curious question: how come people put the @ sign in front of people’s names? i.e. why say @Joyful joyful instead of just Joyful joyful?
    I know there’s probably a reason but I don’t know what it is…

  • Me neither! I know nothing of relationships and even have taken a one year vow of chastity. So I am clearly unavailable and he knows it but he doesn’t quite get the hint! Even the not-so-subtle hints!

  • I really don’t know, because I haven’t really been in that situation. If I were in that situation, I would want to be with the older men in my Church, or with my dad, and my brothers. Hope this helped.

  • I KNOW!!! There’s this boy at my school who always is like buying me packs of gum and coming over to my locker to talk to me. It’s always really awkward and I actually feel kinda bad for him. It’s to the point where he literally sends his buddies over to me at lunch to talk to me about how I’m doing. How do I respond? uggh

    • Yeah I feel ya! But there’s alot of great advice on here! Particularly @disqus_zxr2krNx5O:disqus

      and his idea of ‘noggin nokin’

    • Ummm, let me see… Kindly refuse his packs of gum, and be really distant when you’re talking to him, that’s what I’d do. Not that you have to be rude (although if he’s really persistent, it might come to that) but don’t be friendly, either.

  • Hey thanks all of you who really have been helping me with this issue in appriciation I will mention you!
    @run_your_race:disqus you’re awesome!
    @disqus_20sNkO4gPg:disqus Thanks for the comment!
    @mimeforjesus:disqus You’re pretty cool!
    @disqus_yezUL85qzj:disqus Thanks girl!
    @joyfuljoyful:disqus Such an inspiration!
    @Rhanx97:disqus Thanks!
    @lotr540:disqus Thanks for you imput!
    @disqus_aeGm5xMIfo:disqus So awesome of you!
    @disqus_TWUREC3BCa:disqus Keep it up!
    And you others that it won’t let me list! I’ll comment to you so you get a notification thingy!
    Seth Totally epic my friend! Totally epic!
    Trent Thanks for the laugh! It was well needed!
    And thanks to all you other people I can’t remember! Your awesome too!

  • Good point. I kind of feel like, if you know someone well enough, they’ll understand that you’re just being playful and not flirting and it’s okay. But then, with strangers and acquantances, you’d have to be careful. Idk…it’s kind of weird for me too. 😛

    • I think it depends on where the guy is, in relation to hormones and emotions. Even with a guy you know very well, and maybe even grew up with, you still have to be careful period.

        • I have a great respect for show interest in me, without flirting.

          Be a friend, but don’t be too friendly.

          I have mostly seen girls as too uninterested, as in they don’t even talk to me.

          • I’m the same way, but with guys (obviously :P)! It’s possible to be friendly and nice without flirting, and I really respect guys who can do that. 🙂
            Just so you know, though, when I was in my early teens, I totally ignored guys I was interested in. And I feel like some girls take longer to grow out of that…just putting that out there. 😉

          • I know! Then some (like Christy said) totally ignore the person. *shrugs* *makes crazy sign* 😉

          • I too appreciate guys who can be friendly and respectful without flirting or any of that. Also, I really appreciate it when a guy knows how (or was taught how) to properly hug a girl. When hugging those that don’t it’s very weird!!!

          • Hugging people is not my thing. When I force myself to hug anyone, it is usually kind of obvious that it is forced. Even hugging my 8 year old sister is makes me feel uncomfortable, but I know I should probably hug her more often.

            Any advice on this?

          • Hmm….. Well, I could understand not being comfortable hugging girls. If you don’t trust yourself and it’s weird I’d say don’t do it at this time in your life. ( Girls outside your family I mean!! ) As far as your sister and other family members, maybe it’ll help to think about how much you love them, and just give them hugs out of your love for them. Does that help at all?

          • I’m curious…and jumping in here. 🙂 How in the world does a girl “show interest” in some guy without flirting or being too much of a leader? Or do you mean just being friends?

            haha… @Kittenese:disqus I’m with you there – I ALWAYS avoided at all costs guys I was interested in when I was younger. And I was one of those girls that took longer to grow out of it, too. 🙂 Introvert problems, probably, at least in my situation. Glad to know I’m not the only one, anyways! 🙂

          • Just be friends. Talk to us, don’t be bossy, but feel free to give advice.
            If you are looking for something more than friendship, we will most likely sense it.

          • Umm… If it were me you could just say your interested… hmm… that might be too blunt for some people…

            Try inviting him over to your house more often for lunch and stuff. NEVER invite him over alone, just you and him.

            Spending more time with him, and being a better friend may be the best form of hinting.

            If he is too dense, just tell him you are kinda interested in him.

            Ok, I am really not sure…

            Help anyone?

          • Yeah, that sounds kinda blunt. 🙂 haha… But isn’t it better for a guy (rather than a girl) to initiate a deeper friendship anyways? Since the man is to be the leader in marriage, it’s easier to keep it that way from the beginning…

            Anyways. When you said that thing about girls who showed interest in you, were you meaning girls just being able to be platonic friends and not avoiding you, or were you talking “INTEREST” kind of interest?

            I do think that most people will be able to sense if a girl likes them or something, but I was curious as to how you were thinking that girls would express interest without being weird. Unless you were just meaning friendship. 🙂

          • My comments are freaking out right now.

            I would say it is better for the guy to do the initiating.

            Platonic friends is what I meant. I don’t like being avoided.

            I don’t really know how a girl could show interest in a guy, other than just being a good friend.

            I fumbling trying to think of something.

          • haha…well you answered the question I had, and it does help to know that I should make more effort to avoid avoiding people, as I wouldn’t like being avoided either! 🙂 I didn’t mean to bombard you with confusing questions, though…

          • Well I can’t imagine some of the struggles girls go though.

            Boy and girl relationship questions are always really hard for me to answer, as I have just about have nil experience with them.

            However, I can answer some of the moral questions involved.

            Good questions, but you have me fairly stumped on the girl letting the guy know she is interested in him. I am not even sure if there is an appropriate way to do that.

            I would love to see some of the other guys opinions on that.

          • Yup, same here. No experience whatsoever…but I’ve read that it was pretty inappropriate for the girl to express interest in the guy, except sometimes some guys do need subtle hints. I doubt it happens all that often, though!

            Maybe you could tag some other guys on here and ask their opinions?

          • Well it sounds like your the one with the answer.

            Discus is really bogged down for me right now, so I can’t seem to tag anyone, and my post are usually delayed. I wonder what’s up?

          • That’s a really good question! I’m interested to see what people will say.
            I was always like that too! I think I was around age 12 when I just *started* to accept that boys were okay to talk to. 😉 And I’m an extrovert!

          • I am an extrovert when texting, but kind of an introvert in person.

            Melancholy is the perfect description of my personality. If I feel comfortable around you I might sort of blab on and on.

          • Me too! I’m really extroverted, but I didn’t realize that I could talk to guys until I was 14 or 15, and even then only when I had to.

          • Ask him if he is interested in you. If he says, “No.”

            Then you act kind of disappointed.

            Invite him over for food, in a group setting.

            NEVER alone with him!

            Other guys? More input?

          • I’m glad it’s not just me! I think I grew out of it faster because I was already fighting my shyness, and in doing so pretty quickly realized….what I was doing didn’t make any sense! And then that weird transition of figuring out how to talk to them… XD

          • I would ask why you want to indicate that you’re interested. Yes, it feels good to have a little mini-relationship, but is it really helpful for either of you? I don’t want to sound harsh or anything, but I haven’t yet found a good reason to start a relationship before I’d be ready to get married. Just a thought…
            I’m assuming you’re not old enough that this relationship would be likely to end in marriage.

          • I wouldn’t. I actually don’t think it’s a very good idea in most situations. 🙂 I was just wondering if @disqus_v7zgvL3EXD:disqus had something in mind already, but it turns out he was talking about how he appreciates when girls talk to him rather than avoiding him, not when they try to show interest. Does that make sense?

            I am totally with you, though! No reason to start relationships until both participants are ready for potential marriage. 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts!!

          • So how do I talk to guys without being misunderstood? That’s really why I don’t talk to guys much — I don’t find it worth the risk.

        • For sure!! I’m very playful and love people very easily but for some I have to wait till the relationship gets to a certain place before I just do what I usually do, because they can take it the wrong way, or it can be uncomfortable. For some it’s fine, for others not so much. Basically, you have to be observant of the person and be able to discern if a particular person can take it without thinking nothing of it.

          Hope I said that right!! 🙂

    • @Kittenese:disqus, yeah, I am definitely more playful or teasing with those I know well, and a lot more cautious with random people. I also have the kind of personality type that other people enjoy teasing, so I get a lot of people teasing me and then I just end up throwing it right back at them. 😉 Thanks for responding!

  • I know what you mean. I have this one friend and he really likes me. When ever I’m nice/playful to him or any other guy i don’t know super well, I hope he/they don’t think i’m flirting. I don’t know how to flirt so i don’t know if i ever do it. I might but i might not. It stressful because i only think about it after i talked with them. I have this one friend who was always nice to girls and then those girls thought he liked them but he was only being nice. I don’t want to be in his situation.

    • @disqus_ZVcjO0n21N:disqus, I know what you mean! I get the same way. As soon as I walk away, I start questioning everything I said or did and how it came across to the other person. I guess its the problems of an over thinker. 😉

  • If can become melancholy, like me, nobody will ever flirt with you, and most people will find it awkward to talk to you, and you will feel them being awkward, and you will be awkward.

    This makes for an awkward comment.

    But, seriously nobody has ever flirted with me.

    • If it makes you feel any better, no one’s ever flirted with me (that I can tell) that wasn’t creepy or just…yeah, creepy. :/ But I think that’s ok, because the non-creepy ones (i.e., the nice, gentlemanly guys) are just friends, and that’s how I want it to be. 🙂

  • I have a similar problem… I’m pretty sure a guy at my church is interested in me and his mom has pretty much told my mom so (which is awkward in itself). Only problem is, I’m not interested…at all. I want to focus on school right now and since I’ve never dated before, this would be a huge step that I’d much rather wait on. Both our families take dating relationships very seriously, and neither of us have ever dated, so I know if he says anything, he’s really serious. What makes it worse is that he and his sister are two of my closest friends, and our families are really close. I don’t want that to change! But, I know I could never see him in that way and it would never work out. I’ve been praying that the Lord would make that very clear to him, but I’m still worried something will happen and someone will end up hurt. Any suggestions?

    • Well Noelle, my advice would be to pray about it. Who knows, at the right time he may be the one God has for you, so just say open to God instead of cutting him off because of how you feel now. Keep being friends with him but be careful of your behavior or how you act around him, so as not to give him any wrong ideas. Hope that helps.

    • If the guy is a Christian and is trying to live a moral life, then I might take @disqus_rxHwcqpiM4:disqus’s comment into consideration. Certainly pray about it.

    • I also agree with Gabrielle’s comment. A few things that I would add would be to treat him how you treat other guys so that he will see that he receives no special treatment and to talk to him about what you feel like God would want you to do. If you feel like God says wait than let him know that you are waiting on God and don’t want to date right now. If you feel like God is telling you that he is not the right one for you than communicate that to him. Relationships with guys and girls are tricky and communication is the best way to make things clear to him. I like to use hints that I’m not interested in someone by treating them the same way that I treat other guys and other hints but I must say that talking it out is the best way to make sure that someone understands how you feel. People don’t always catch on to hints and guessing weather someone likes you or not is a rough emotional roller coaster. If you know what God wants you to do than I suggest that you let him know to make sure that he doesn’t have to go through the pain of guessing.

    • My advice would be to tell your mom how you feel — well, don’t feel– about this guy. And maybe your moms can talk about it and conclude that the best choice would be to stay friends (at least for now). If this guy makes any signals that he likes you, still be polite but make it clear you’re not interested in that way. Also, calling him names like “buddy” might give him the message. I know its hard because you guys are close friends and if it comes to that point you can tell him you don’t want to ruin that friendship. Also, you can mention that dating is a big step which you aren’t ready for yet, which he should respect. I hope this helps…? 🙂

  • Well, I think when you’re being flirtatious you have an underlying reason for it, such as you want someone to notice or like you. When you’re being playful usually you do it just because you have a great relationship with a guy and enjoying teasing him. The only thing with being playful is that rather you have a close relationship or not you still have to be careful because guys deal with hormones too, so due to where they are they might get the wrong idea. Hope that helps Hannah.

  • If I were a girl(, and I am not).

    I would say, “I like you as a friend, but you need to find satisfaction in God, not me.”

    • Yeah, that might work. If I was really interested in a girl, I would go to the dad first anyway. If the dad was a godly Christian man, and he disproved of me, then that would most likely solve it for me. I am sure, I would ask if there would be any way he would approve of me first, of course.

        • So the girl wouldn’t feel like I was going around them, would they?

          Thanks for the feedback on this. 🙂

          • I think even if you asked the girl, if the parents didn’t like you the relationship wouldn’t last long or would be in secret or would be extremely awkward.

          • Me too!! I highly respect guys who do it the proper way and talk to the father first. It says something about them and their character.

          • Thank you @skymac11:disqus and @disqus_rxHwcqpiM4:disqus for the positive reinforcement on this. 🙂

          • No problem!! I’m glad that there are young men out there who desire to please God and do it properly.

          • Definitely! (had to google how to spell that and then took me forever to actually type it! :P)

          • haha you honestly just gave me hope about there actually being good Christian guys that would do this 🙂 Keep it up!

          • No. I guess it depends on the girl really, but my answer is no. It’s always a good idea for you to talk to the father and just share your interest in their daughter before going to her and making it all obvious that you’re interested. Besides, you need approval from her father before trying to pursue her.

          • Oh, cool. That is interesting.

            It is nice to be able to ask questions of Christian teens, both guys and girls.

            Thank you.

          • If a guy approached my dad about a relationship, I would probably be impressed with his maturity, and at least be intrigued enough to find out more about him.

        • Hey, I’m asking this as a guy who has been doing some research on courtship and some of the ideas mentioned above. I’m curious, not trying to start a debate. I just like to ask questions so I understand things better, even if I agree with the person. So, out of curiosity, why do you prefer the guy to talk to the girl’s father first?

          • I was just asking the same question below! I don’t necessarily disagree with the whole idea, but a few weeks ago my youth group had a discussion about dating (what it should look like for Christians) that really made me think. For example, some people suggested that a guy asking a girl’s dad first makes the relationship feel too “forced” or “high-pressure”; therefore even if the relationship isn’t “meant to work out”, the couple is pressured into getting married because there’s so much commitment already. Could anyone give me some thoughts on this?

          • If it feels “high-pressure”… I would say someone is clearly not ready.

            But, I don’t claim to be an expert on this, at all.

          • That’s one of my concerns too. The other would be something I’m still kinda thinking through, but I’ll put down anyway.
            I’m a little concerned if a girl I’m interested in has her first response as, “Go talk to my dad about that.” I’m just a little iffy about a wife who is that hesitant to trust God’s guidance in her own life (I’m trying not to say this to offend anyone. Honestly, I don’t want to. I’m trying to say it gently.) I want a wife who knows God’s voice and thus can tell me, “Hey, let me pray about it” or even “let me ask some Godly people I know about it”.
            I’m interested in going on the missions field. While I’m not discounting a girl’s spiritual maturity who would do this, I’m just a little uncomfortable if a girl wants to have her dad hear from God about me rather than doing it herself. Help anyone? Am I way off base? I’m still kinda thinking it all through, so pardon me!

          • Yeah, I just did. So, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ask this: why do you say that “good Christian girls” would want you to do it that way? Again, I’m asking this trying to understand better, not to argue. Am I understand it correctly that the reasons would be 1. they want parental approval, 2. they want to fulfill a traditional, cultural norm, and 3. for religious reasons. What are the religious reason?

          • I get what you’re saying don’t worry. Okay so a lot of the “mainstream” girls who aren’t very religious do not really care what their parents think about their relationship. Having your dad’s approval means that our parents respect our relationship and won’t be telling us we are going out with a dirt-bag or constantly asking questions about them because they should already know the guy is a good person. Our parents should think we are safe when we are with them; and approval is a big weight off our chest. You understand well, and I would say there are a couple religious reasons. 1. we most likely won’t be pressured into things we do not want to do; or that God does not want us to do. 2. If a guy puts that amount of effort into it (as in going and asking for approval) they are most likely following God. 3. The relationship should have God at the center and, again, it shows that this guy is more serious about the relationship (I don’t necessarily mean marriage just not going to break your heart the next day). And also I feel like the guy would have standards now that he has parent approval — like he has expectations now. Does this help?

          • Well, hopefully those standards aren’t dependent on parental involvement. If you are mature believers, those standards should be true no matter whether parents are in the room, dead, or across the country. Thanks for commenting though!

          • Thank you very much @skymac11:disqus , @disqus_rxHwcqpiM4:disqus , @mimeforjesus:disqus , @disqus_v7zgvL3EXD:disqus , @ruthie_c:disqus , @run_your_race:disqus , and anyone else I missed for the interesting discussion tonight! Y’all helped me learn some stuff and be much more understanding of some ideas that I haven’t understood well before! Thanks for the patience with all my questions!

          • It’s all good! If guys asked me, like I said I would have him talk to my dad. But I would also pray about it because the relationship would be mine. I trust my parents and would want their wisdom. But I get where you are coming from.
            I hope this helps you!…?

          • I would think so. But if my parents totally didn’t like the guy, I would want to know why. Sometimes when you like someone, you can’t see their faults (or the bad). So asking other people can help you gain a new perspective!

          • Okay, that makes sense! Thanks! The same is true for us guys. I would ask my parents about a girl too for advice, I was just curious since it seems like the predominate idea here is that a girl instantly redirects you to her dad rather than trying to decide for herself. It came across as her dad making the decision rather than her, but it seems I may have read that wrong. Thanks for clarifying!

          • Your welcome! And I’m glad people can benefit from my advice or whatever. Basically everyone is older that me and may not want advice from someone younger. 🙂

          • Age doesn’t have anything to do with it! I don’t know your age and haven’t bothered to look. It doesn’t matter if you’re 12 or 25, you still had a good answer!

          • Yup! *looks around suspiciously* You read my profile right? Not stalking me? Jk 😛

          • Oh, happy early birthday!! 😀 This is a great time of year to have a birthday! Mine is in November 😛

          • November 2. Also known as the Day of the Dead in Mexico. Yes, that is a real holiday.
            xP
            Wow, our birthdays are pretty close! Cool! 🙂

          • Awesome 😀 So I’m not alone being born on the Day of the Dead! My sister was born on Christmas Eve. I’ve never thought that was quite fair. 😛 😉

          • Wow, so you were born pretty early! I was supposed to be born in October, but I was almost 2 weeks late. At that point my mom was just glad I was finally out of there. 🙂

          • wow!! yeah haha at first I was suppose to be born in January… but the date changed around a lot 🙂

          • I was about 2 weeks late too! Lost alotta weight, almost died. Creepy how much we have in common!

          • Really? That’s cool! My sister was born on July 1. She gets a pool party every year! Eh, whatever. *flips hair* Novembers great too! 😛

          • Sorry having a hard time keeping up haha 1 happy early birthday @samwegner:disqus and 2. Ruthie, MINE IS IN NOVEMBER TOO!

          • I agree. And, even before any “go talk to my dad” moments, I would want to discuss with my mom any person I was seriously considering marrying.
            On a side note, I think a good relationship with your parents is really important before even considering marriage! Even if someone’s parents are not Christians, they can still make an effort to communicate clearly with their parents and let them know of general expectations/desires/hopes in a future spouse. 🙂

          • I totally agree here, Ruthie! Also your siblings can help you too! (if you have any) Or Christian friends you trust. 🙂

          • Absolutely! I’ve heard many young women say that brothers usually have helpful, unique perspectives. 🙂 And I would imagine sisters would be really helpful as well.

          • My brother and older sister are married already. But we (kinda) had a say if we liked a girl or guy 🙂

          • Haha. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister, so I guess I might have a lot of opinions to consider 😉

          • Just one brother and two sisters. My sister is about 3 years younger than me, so we are pretty close! But my oldest sister is about 14 years older and has 6 kids. My brother is about 12 years older.

          • Yep!! You should always have other people around you, because if you like a person most of the time others can see things that you don’t see.

          • Again, I’m not in any way disagreeing with asking parent’s advice! Absolutely not! However, at the end of the day, just like in any other matter whether it be life calling, theological belief, or anything else, I believe I am responsible to God for my decisions, decisions I should make based on my personal relationship with Christ and from what He reveals to me through His Word and Holy Spirit. So, is this discussion with your dad for advice or for his statement which you will follow, no matter what you feel God telling you personally?

          • Yeah I would say it’s more for advice! Also, I know I would want my dad’s opinion on a guy, because he wouldn’t be falling so easily for charm or anything that could be messing with my judgement.

          • Okay, I understand asking for advice. Earlier, it seemed to be asking for permission and for God’s guidance, and that seemed questionable to me.

          • The dad is responsible for everyone in his household.
            I would say you must talk to him out of respect for him and his daughter.

            I would lean towards you being way off base.

          • There is something in the Bible about the man being responsible for his family and such, but honestly I can’t think of it at the moment.

            Forgive my lack of Bible memorization.

          • True, but since every believer is called to have a “personal” relationship with Christ, and Jesus calls us in Lk. 14 to follow him above every other earthly relationship, the Bible seems to reflect more in the direction of following what you see God directing YOU to do rather than having God speak to you through someone else.
            I too don’t memorize Scripture as well as I ought! Thanks for commenting!

          • Yeah. Personally, I don’t think I would want sending a guy straight to my dad to be my “knee-jerk reaction” like in Blimey Cow. 🙂
            I’m still thinking this through a lot too, so you’re not the only one!

          • I would say that a girl who sends you to her dad isn’t questioning her own ability to hear from God. I have no doubt that God speaks to me; I know He has at times. Yet I also know that if somebody that I “like” were to ask me out, I might think I hear from God when actually that was just my romantic/lonely/whatever side saying “You know, this guy is nice! You should totally go out with him.”
            So… I would send you to my dad if you asked me out, but I would also listen to what God is saying to me. “In a multitude of counselors there is wisdom (or peace, depending on what translation you read).” And “The heart is deceitful above all things.”
            These make me think that I need to not trust myself to hear God when my own heart really, really wants to hear one thing and in fact He might be trying to tell me the opposite.

            Of course, there’s the flip side too, such as with my sister-in-law. Her parents were against her marrying my brother, with no reason. She asked them to explain their problems with him multiple times, but they were just prejudiced against him. (I don’t know the whole story there.) So parents can be misled as well, but I think it’s a whole lot easier for us girls to let our emotions run ahead of our brains.

          • Okay, but asking your dad for advice is not the same as having a guy go ask your dad for permission to ask you out or get to know you better or whatever the phraseology used. I’m 100% in favor of asking for parental advice, even as a guy, I’ll ask my parents advice. Not the same as asking for permission though. Do you understand what I’m trying to say, not very smoothly?

          • Okay… so I’ll try to answer this. I think that a girl is under her dad’s authority until she gets married. I know it’s different from a lot of peoples’ ideas, but I think that’s part of God’s plan; somewhere in Levitical law there’s a passage about if a daughter makes a vow or an oath, her dad has the power to overthrow that vow or oath. That authority remains with the father until the daughter gets married; then the husband has authority over the daughter/wife. I know we’re not under Levitical law anymore, but it seems that it can give us an idea of what God wants, even if we’re not bound to it.
            So I would not go out with a guy unless my dad gave me the go-ahead, unless I was in a situation where it wasn’t really possible, such as if I was at a college hours away from home; then it wouldn’t really work for the guy to meet up with my dad.
            I’m still figuring out what I think myself, so I’m happy to discuss this some more if you want 😀

          • Ok, although I said before I’d let it drop, I guess I’ll step up (I do love a good discussion!). I’ve heard this idea before, but it always seemed to be on somewhat shaky Biblical ground, in my opinion. Not only is the argument based on a precept of the Levitical law (which we both agree we are not under anymore), but it reflects the very structured format of the OT relationship with God, where you heard from God through the judge, priest, high priest, prophet, etc. God didn’t usually speak directly to the individual. I would disagree that the rule you indicated “can give us an idea of what God wants”; I would say it tells us what God wanted at that particular time in history. I don’t see why would apply that verse today any more than we would verses about diet restrictions or circumcision.

            However, in the NT, God begins operating on a much more personal basis and much less structure dependent on revealing His will. Instead, throughout the Gospels, Jesus is abundantly clear in Lk. 9 and 14 that He and following Him must come before every human relationship (and I would claim that would include the parental relationships). Lk. 14:26 even indicates that our love and fervor for following Jesus should make our love and obedience to our parents and other relationships appear to be hatred. In my opinion, this seems to shut the door on the idea that the girl is somehow only supposed to follow Jesus’ voice in her life if her father agrees.

            In Gal. 3, Paul makes the case that we are all equal at the foot of the cross, “Jew or Greek, slave or free, male or female”. We are all covered by the same atonement and granted the same audience with God. I believe this also seems to indicate God’s revelation of His will to some (fathers/husbands/whoever) is no more meaningful than His will to others (daughters/wives/whoever).

            Our ultimate call is to follow Jesus. He never guaranteed that that would not contradict our parents. Unpleasantly, He actually claimed that His coming would divide parents and children. Matt. 10:34-39 reflect that our ultimate duty (as adults) is not to obey our parents, but instead to follow Jesus Christ.

            You mentioned earlier Rom. 13. Now, while this particular chapter does not mention fathers (I didn’t see it; if I’m just missing it, please could you tell me? :), I could understand seeing that there, although the classic interpretation of that passage is that of our governmental authorities. However, assuming that parents are an authority Paul had in mind while writing that passage, I think it would be Biblically consistent to assume he is addressing children, as he does in Eph. 6:1-2, rather than a universal rule to all people everywhere.

            Please don’t hesitate to point out any mistakes in my logic or thought processes. I know all too well that I am imperfect (ha, just ask my family or friends!), and I appreciate your talking with me! Thanks!

          • So this is the comment where I finally saw the light! (I know, sometimes I’m thick-headed…)
            I firmly believe that God speaks to me personally, and He doesn’t have to go through anyone. Here I think that we agree.
            And yes, you’re right, Romans 13 was misapplied; I was restating somebody else’s argument and didn’t think it through. 🙁
            In the end, while I think it’s a good way to honor my dad, and that’s how I will be approaching relationships because I think it’s a good idea for me (emotions-led as I can be, sometimes I need a level-headed person to help me think it through), and it’s the way my family intends to approach relationships, it is not the only way sanctioned by God. I see how I came across like that, but I didn’t mean it.
            Anything you see that I missed?

          • Okay, that clears it up! Nope, nothing you missed! I don’t disagree with the idea totally, only when it’s applied as “all good Christian young guys will do this” or “all pure Christian girls will do this” (no, you didn’t sound that way, but it is kind of a pet peeve of mine!). Thanks for clearing that up!

          • You’re very welcome! Yeah, I wouldn’t write off a guy if he asked me out before he talked to my dad.
            That’s a pet peeve of mine, also!

          • Ha, ha, yeah, it comes after years of sitting in a staunchly courtship only church and you happen to possess a very critical thinking mind. You (I) tend to harp on the small stuff. You definitely helped clear up some distinctions in my mind!

          • Yeah… critical minds are something most of my family has been blessed (or cursed) with. It’s interesting trying to find a new church when we move, I’ll tell you!

          • Really! You’re moving, or your going to a college away from home? ttyl, bedtime!

          • Maybe college in a year or so, but I’ll probably be moving to a different church soon anyway. (Shh, don’t tell anyone! 🙂

            Well, I’ll talk to you later! Good night!

          • I’ve got some theological differences with our church. We will probably be moving to GA in two years, so I may or may not wait and just change churches when we move. Yes, my parents are well aware. No, they’ve been putting up with me for the last year saying, “no, that’s not right! Ack, that makes no sense!” Sometimes it’s not fun to have a critical mind! 🙂

          • How do you know you’re moving in two years?! That is so foreign to my mind…
            Two years is a long time to wait, but it just might be worth it to keep the peace. I think I see where your’e coming from here. Critical minds do make things difficult, don’t they?

          • My dad is retiring in two years (I’m the youngest, and I was born when he was 41), so we’re planning to move to GA then to be close to my married siblings.

            Yeah, I don’t want to cause difficulty or division in the church, so I’m trying not to share my thoughts outside a very close circle of friends (while I’m not at all secretive about my beliefs, I try to control vocalizing disagreement with others in the church.

          • Oh, I see now. 🙂 All of your siblings in one place! Wow…
            Mm-hmm. You sound more like my brother every day! “You know, God should put bar-codes on girls so we know which one is ours.” “I try to control vocalizing disagreement with others” (but nothing’s going to make you agree!)
            If we ever meet, I’m going to make sure my brother’s there, too. You two sound sooo similar!

          • That would be awesome ! Who knows? I’ve got relatives in Texas, and my dad’s company is based in Atlanta…
            Or if @disqus_clxqoYwM08:disqus’s idea about the Rebelutionary conference ever happens 🙂

          • What if he IS your brother, but under a fake identity??? Hmm…
            Sorry, randomly crazy late-night thought I had to say… xD

          • I have a little bit more time, so I thought I’d reply a little more in depth! Obviously, since we’re almost all teens here, we’re too young to be married now, so I’m speaking for a few years in the future, say, when we’re twenty.
            As an example of what I’m saying, if I’m offered a ministry opportunity overseas when I’m twenty years old, it would be strange for me to respond with, “Well, you should go talk to my dad.” Why? Because by that time, I should have the maturity to be able to seek God’s face myself, maybe with advice from parents and elders, but not depending on them solely. In the end, it’s my decision, not theirs.
            Let me write what I’m struggling with here. I’m a young guy who wants to go overseas into missions when I get older. I’m a little iffy about a young lady instantly redirecting me elsewhere to see if I’m marriage material for her. I’m fine with meeting her dad, and even her dad evaluating my marriage-worthiness. But what it appears to me at a cursory glance is that the girl is not confident enough in her ability to hear God’s voice and detect His leading to make this decision on her own. Instead, she sends me to her father who will make the decision for her with maybe some input from her.
            Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for asking advice from parents! If a guy asks to get to know you better, please talk to your parents. Introduce the guy to them. Ask their opinion. But, what seems off to me is relying on your dad to tell you who is a good guy and who is not.
            While I have an immense amount of respect for my own dad, it would be dangerous in the extreme for me to simply trust him to reveal God’s will and leading for/to me. That’s why God gave the Bible and the Holy Spirit to us on a personal level, not on a family level. This way, while advice is great and necessary, my decision is not ultimately dependent on my dad, pastor, or emotions.
            To me, a girl who depends on her dad to reveal God’s will to her is kind of a bad first sign. I don’t want my wife to have to do that after we’re married! I’ll be happy to give her advice, but I want her to have a PERSONAL relationship with Christ, not one through me or her dad, or anyone else. I want her to hear God’s voice to her, by herself.
            So, the pivotal question to me is: is your dad’s opinion/command the final authority on the matter? Do you see your dad as revealing God’s will for you? This is really what I’ve been trying to ask all along, just haven’t been good with words!

          • alright I already told you my input (i’m back i know haha but leaving after this) I do not feel this is a matter of God’s will being revealed through a guy asking a girl’s dad to date his daughter. It is not marriage (not yet anyway) and it’s not like the girl is making her dad marry her or not. This is a first time thing and its out of courtesy that the guy should ask — not lack of faith from the girl. It is also respect from the girl to her parents by letting them know that she values their opinion. This is not her lack of trusting God by any means.

          • Okay, thanks for the input. I’m probably going to drop the conversation now, since I think we’ve all stated our opinions. Thanks for talking to me this evening, and it’s helped give me a better idea of where some of the ideas are coming from! Thanks!

          • I think its a little different depending where you are and how old, mind you. And yes we have haha its been a pleasure discussing this and i’m glad it helped!

          • Hmmm, okay, I see where you’re coming from.
            My dad (who is sitting next to me as I’m typing this, which is kinda weird… but anyway) is someone I greatly respect, and regardless of that, I believe he is one of the authorities referred to in Romans 13. So he is there for a reason, and I am to honor his authority, which, considering that he has authority over me, would extend to this area of my life, as well.
            If you came to me (weird thought, cause i don’t know you) and said “Laura, I’d be interested in getting to know you better,” I would probably thank you, and say that you’d have to talk to my dad (probably with some encouragement). Not because I don’t think I can interpret what God is saying to me — I have heard Him — but because I think that is my dad’s role.
            gtg, bedtime. I’ll answer more tomorrow! If you want to continue this…

          • Okay, while I disagree, I don’t think there’s a whole lot of point to continuing. Thanks for writing back though, I appreciate the input.

          • Okay 🙂 Do you want me to answer your other comment? Or do you want to drop the subject?

          • Hey there! I finally figured out what I’m trying to say here 🙂
            No, my dad’s opinion/command is not the final authority on the mater, but it’s like he’s my Commanding Officer, while God is the five-star General over him. If my CO gives me an order, I’d better be following that order, but if the General gives me a contradicting order I’m going to do what he says.
            That was the illustration that came to mind — I have a lot of military kids for friends. Am I making sense?

            And yes, I think God will use my dad to reveal His will, but my dad isn’t the only way.
            If you want to talk about this more, feel free — this is helping me figure out what I believe and why, too — I’m wondering about some things that I just grew up with and never asked about 🙂

          • I wouldn’t say it is to put a lot of commitment there if the guy is just talking to her dad first. But now that I think about it, it does require some commitment, and I would want that much commitment there if I’m going to give this guy a chance. It means that he’s not just dating me because I’m a pretty face, he actually has taken time to consider this, and get to know who I am and to find my dad.
            And this is late at night for me, so I’m not probably going to make much sense. Feel free to ask me to clarify!

          • Ok, I get that much, and I’ve always planned to do so (in case anyone is wondering, I’ve been raised this way, and have just begun questioning some of the thinking the last couple of years). Thanks for writing! I would agree, it does give it a good measure of pressure.

          • Thanks for your perspective! That makes me feel a lot better.
            Yeah, I really need to get to bed myself…

          • I (as a girl) would like a guy to ask my parents first and even if he asked me out I would say he had to talk to my dad.

          • Depends on the girl. But I feel like it is out of courtesy and shows respect because a lot of guys out there are very disrespectful to girls and not serious about a relationship. It also gives approval from the parents if they say yes. It depends on the girl (mainly religiousness) because some might think you are just going around them. Good, Christian girls would prefer you to ask their dad. I’m not saying i’m old-fashioned, but I do respect the old customs because our culture has lost so much morality and its nice to see things like that being done.

          • Well, I’ll jump in here, Taylor 🙂
            I would want a guy to talk to my dad because:
            1) In the words of a guy “friend” of my sister-in-law, “That would take… *courage*!” Instead of talking to a girl who might fall for romantic lines, the guy has to talk to someone who is very protective of his daughter. And if I were a guy, I know that my knees would just about be knocking when I talked to the father of the person I’m interested in.
            2) Like I said ^, my dad won’t be taken in by the same lines that might take me in — he was once that young man, and he knows that some guys will say anything to get a girl to like them.
            3) It takes commitment on the part of the guy to look up my dad and plan to talk to him. It helps protect me from a guy who’s just looking for a pretty face because my dad will ask him why exactly he’s interested in me.

            There are times when it wouldn’t really be possible for a guy to ask my dad first, but if he’s around, I would want the guy to talk to my dad.

          • Right you are! I’m 10 times more nervous about talking to her dad than I would be talking to her. I hear guys in public talking about asking girls out being nervous and I think, “Ha, you don’t know the meaning of nervous!”
            That makes good sense, but I know enough horror stories and seen some of over-protective fathers for this whole idea to frighten me more than a little.

          • Yes, but… you see… back in fairy tales, a guy has to save the girl from a dragon. A father is the next-best thing nowadays! But really, I personally would love to see a guy who would be willing to go up against my dad in order to go out with me.
            Yeah, over-protective fathers can be… well, over-protective. I’ve heard horror stories of that myself! But I think it’s worth it.

          • I know, right? I got six upvotes on a comment I left like ten minutes ago! This is cuh-ray-zee!

          • Fathers are the next best thing to DRAGONS?!?! I dunno about that one dragons are pretty awesome.. 😛

          • Okay, okay 🙂 But fathers are pretty awesome, too! (They don’t breather fire, but still…)

          • Yeah! I agree. I wouldn’t trade my dad for a dragon!…
            That would be a cool shirt though…

          • So, what you’re saying is that it is always handy to have a fire-breathing dad around as a young lady? 🙂
            But seriously, what would your response be if you felt God’s leading one way and your parent’s another? I understand if you don’t want to answer this question (it could sound pretty personal), but to me it’s kinda the pivotal question. If you’re asking for advice and guidance, great! You’re wise to do so! If you’re asking your dad to interpret God’s will for you, that seems dangerous to me.

          • Gonna jump in here 🙂
            Personally, I would pray and spend some time talking with my parents about why they felt I should or shouldn’t pursue a relationship with a certain guy. But, I wouldn’t go behind my parents back to be in that relationship. Hope that makes sense 😀

          • Good! I’m not advocating for a secret relationship. I’m just wondering if parental permission/approval is advice or a make-or-break deal.

          • It can be a make-or-break deal, but of course, there will be some exceptions. If it is God’s leading, not your heart desires, and it He would pretty much have to tell me very obviously that I had to go against the parents wishes otherwise, no way.

            But, this seems way hypothetical here.

          • Um, I’ve seen this occur several times and read of it even more than that. When you say it’s too hypothetical, are you saying you just can’t answer it because you’re not sure what you’d do, or are you saying you just can’t see that happening? Believe me, it happens.

          • God speaks through other believers, including (and especially) parents. But if my parents said no and I was absolutely sure that it was God’s Will that I pursue that relationship at that time, then I would tell my parents where I felt God leading, and follow Him.

          • If my parent’s and I were not on the same page, then we would need to have a long talk about all of our reasons. God IS the higher authority, but I think you should talk to your parent’s about what you think God wants for you. I also think that they should respect that and you all should pray about it.

          • Okay, I’m not arguing with the idea of talking to your parents. Please, guys or girls, talk to your parents! Ask their advice! Certainly, if a guy tries to dodge your parents, you certainly have cause for concern. However, what I’m trying to understand is if the girl is asking her dad for advice (that is, information which she may or may not obey) or permission (that is, her father tell her how it will be and she takes that as God’s leading, no matter what she feels God telling her personally.)

          • Yeah 🙂 Fire-breathing dads are awesome!!!!!!!!!!! (He has been really helpful sometimes! So has my older brother.)
            Okay… So this is a question I’ve asked myself before, because my sister-in-law got married against her parents’ wishes, so this has been a reality for me. I suppose I would sit down with my parents and ask them what exactly they saw as flaws in this young man. If they were determined that this man was not qualified, I would probably cut it off.
            If and only if I felt God speaking so strongly that there was no way it was anything other than His voice would I consider moving forward in a relationship that my parents did not bless. Even then, I would stop as soon as I felt that this was not God’s leading.
            God “Controls the hearts of kings” — I believe that He controls my parents’ hearts as well.

          • Yeah. I think (hope?) my dad wouldn’t give the guy too much of a hard time. I do trust him to be wise and discerning too, though!

          • I would agree that the girl is worth it, but still, I’ll admit the idea is scary to me since I’ve heard some pretty interesting stories about dads being very hard to work with. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t (hey, if it’s for a young lady I want to marry, I’ll fight your fire-breathing daddy with a super-soaker.) fight to marry the young lady, I’ve simply heard enough bad experiences about parental involvement going way over the top (a father making an adult guy write papers and do jobs at his house for seven years before finally telling the guy to leave when the guy finally said that he wanted to pick up the pace. Or one father I know who made his son-in-law agree that he and the young lady were going to get married before he was even allowed to court her.) Both those are people I know personally. Stories like that make me just a teensy bit nervous about some of the idea.

            However, y’all have convinced me that y’all are not doing it with the intention of finding God’s will through your dad. While I still think a lot of girls are, y’all have helped me understand where you’re coming from much better! Thanks!

          • Yeah, it makes me as a guy (who knows several more stories like that) a little bit nervous about the whole system. I kinda want to poke at it a little with a stick first and make sure not everyone is that way! 🙂

          • You’re welcome! I enjoyed the conversation, too 🙂
            If I ever came across defensive or anything, I apologize… tact and diplomacy aren’t among my strong suits, although I try to practice them anyway.

          • Okay 🙂 Great!
            Do you want to continue this? I think I might have just found where we’re misunderstanding each other. I was taking what you said a little too strongly, I think, and I wasn’t being clear what I mean…

          • Sure, I’ll be glad to hear what you have to say! It’s enjoyable to speak with someone who can respectfully defend their position! I’ll be happy to hear where we’re misunderstanding each other!

          • I can just imagine it: You show up at her dad’s house armed with a super-soaker and say with at totally innocent expression, “Oh, are you Sally’s fire-breathing dad?” (Hope you don’t know any Sally’s…)
            Whoa, those dads were really extreme. They’re like Laban or something! wow…

            Great!

          • Nope, I don’t know any Sally’s! Ha, I think that’d be a really quick way for him to tell me no.

            “No, I’m not letting you date Taylor. He’s insane; he just sprayed me with a water-gun! I’m not letting you go out with a crazy man!”

          • I think he’d just laugh and keep going 🙂 Course, if you ended up in the family he would never let you forget it.

          • I want him to talk to my dad first because I want my dad to see who this guy really is. It is SOOOO easy to fall for feelings, appearance or romantic words and actions, and so I’d want my dad to be able to keep me and the guy accountable all throughout a potential relationship. Dads have a magic eye – they can see things in fellow men that we girls can’t. 🙂

            I could go on and on about why I feel what I feel about things regarding this…but that will be too confusing and may lead to misunderstanding. 🙂 So I’ll leave it at that.

          • From a girl’s perspective who is in college and may be in some ways a little closer to marriage (although not really necessarily, as I have never known a guy to be definitely interested in me in anyway). First of all I go to a college that is far from my home and parents, so most likely any guy interested in me won’t even know my parents. With that being the case, I think it is probably unreasonable to have him talk to my dad before he ever says a word to me about his feelings towards me because if I am NOT interested in him than there is no need for my dad to be involved in that way and especially when they do not know each other. If I am interested in him after he has told me his intentions and if I am desirous for things to move forward, then I would want to get my dad’s approval and I think at that point it would be appropriate for the guy to then speak to my dad, getting permission to date me. I don’t think it is disrespecting the parents to do it this way. In fact, I have talked to my dad about this and he agreed that this would probably be the best way considering my situation.
            I hope all of that makes sense and is helpful, just coming from an older persons point of view. 😉

          • I was trying to answer you, but the comment hasn’t loaded, and may not load, just so you know.

      • yeah. My dad is the most godly person I know, and definitely if I guy was interested in me I would have him talk to my dad. Plus, My dad’s a pastor and super nice person so I would be really thrilled to have him involved. And as a girl, if a guy took the initiative to talk to my dad before he talked to me that would make me feel really special. It’s great to know guys still do that!!

      • That’d work for me. If the dad has to step in for the girl, that tells me that the girl isn’t capable of handling issues herself and is probably someone who I should stay away from. I would never marry someone like that! Plus it’d probably scare me too 🙂

  • I literally have no clue to how to answer this… Can’t wait to see what everyone else has to say though XD