rebelling against low expectations

How do you get over hurting your friend?


ANONYMOUS WRITES: I have hurt several of my friends during this past year. Some were hurt more than others. It hurts me very much also. I never intended to bring pain to anyone.

All of these instances were at least partially a result of a small misunderstanding. And I consider myself to be more or less at fault in all of them.

In some cases, it hasn’t taken more than a few months to get past, but others (even really old ones) still bring me much pain. How can I get over this? Everyone forgave everyone and I have changed my ways significantly, but what do I do when it still hurts?

What about the times I can’t look my friend in the eye anymore? Am I just not forgiving myself? If that is the case, how do I forgive myself? I know that God and my friends have forgiven me, so why does this still bring me to tears?

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  • Basically you pray and remember that God has forgiven you. I went through this a couple months when I ignored most of my friends for several months, and only talked to them at church. If you don’t put down the “rock” of guilt instead of carrying it around it will make you more and more tired. You have to give it to God every time you feel yourself picking it back up again.

  • You seem to be battling our adversary, the devil. That battle in the mind can only successfully overcome with God’s Word. I find the following scripture a big help when being harassed by our enemy. Healing takes time, but you will eventually be victorious. God bless you.

    Romans 8:1-2 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

    • I have to consistently use God’s word to overcome battles in my mind. It takes patience, but it works!

  • Well if you have been forgiven by God, then there is no need to wallow in shame. You are forgiven! And it’s good that your friends have forgiven you too.

    I find that when I hold onto the bad things of the past, I can become vulnerable, and the devil often will attack me. Remind yourself that you are free -Jesus has set you free, and now you don’t need to hold onto anything.

    Remember your not the only one who makes mistakes. Every person in the world has made a mistake, we are sinners, but because we have a Savior that forgives us we can be set free of sin.

    Say this to yourself:
    “Jesus has forgiven me and has wiped my slate, there is no need to have shame anymore. ”

    Remind yourself these things, pray, and the burden will be lifted. πŸ™‚

  • I think the hurt doesn’t necessarily leave you right away. I’ve done things I’m not proud of that I’m still ashamed of and that I still feel pain about years later. So I think feeling a measure of pain is natural and fades with time.

    I’m afraid I don’t have any glowing advice to give you. Simply remember that God’s grace covers every mistake you’ve ever made, and that you are forgiven. That’s probably not new information, but a recurring reminder of that can help us keep perspective.

  • My advice would be to not let your emotions overcome you. Satan is trying to keep you in a trap of condemnation when Jesus has already forgiven you, and you have realized your mistake and are working on fixing it. When I am tempted to dwell on a past mistake, I think about Philippians 3:12-13 which says:
    “Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended;but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.

    I commend you on realizing your mistake and working on fixing it. That takes effort and a lot of humility!

  • I don’t know what to tell you, but I’m praying for you, Anonymous. I have a feeling I might know who it is, given some conversations I’ve been in/seen, and some other references, but… whether you’re who I think you are or not, I’m praying. Guilt is so hard to bear.

  • A few years ago I said some things to my brother that really damaged our relationship. Since then it has healed and we’re ok now but that argument still bites me sometimes. It hurts to think that I said what I did and what it did to him. When it comes back to bite me I try to remember that I have been forgiven by him, and by Jesus. So now I just need to let it go. I often remind my self of the good times we’ve had together since that argument. And that he still loves me even though I said some pretty dumb stuff.

    I hope this helps!

  • I have felt the very same way, Anonymous, and our stories sound freaky similar. I know how hard it can be. Forgiveness can simply seem beyond comprehension. But God is so big, and so gracious and He’s been here for me even in my doubt. Lean on Him. Trust Him.
    One of the things that i had a hard time with was i wanted so badly to leave behind what i had done, and go back to the way I was with my friends before i hurt them. What God’s been teaching me is that i can’t look back to who i was! I won’t be that person again, because by God’s grace i’m a new, different person, living a new chapter in my life. If you’ve done everything you can to reconcile your relationships, you don’t have to feel guilty anymore! And that’s the truth πŸ™‚
    I’m still working on this myself, soooo, i’m not sure if this will help at all. May God bless you and give your heart peace, Anonymous πŸ™‚

  • I know what you mean.

    Hurting others hurts us. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I’ve ruined friendships.

    The Devil wants to keep you down. Make you think that you can’t have hope.

    But you’ve been given hope, and a new life in Christ.

    You are given grace. Grace is unmerited favor; being given what you don’t deserve. God’s grace covers you. You are forgiven. Every mistake you’ve ever made has been wiped clean. Not just that, but you are seen with the righteousness of Jesus upon you. And you are free. Free from guilt. From shame. From regret that weighs you down. God holds nothing against you, because you are His child.

    Don’t let your regret kill you, because God doesn’t condemn you with it. Your past is completely behind you, and you don’t need to look back.

    You are free.

  • Let me say first that I feel ya, I am often reminded of the times that I have messed up, even years ago, and I STILL cringe.
    The best advice I can give you is to remind yourself that you have been forgiven. 1 John 1:9 says, ” If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” God has forgiven you! When he looks at you, he isn’t reminded of your past failures, even if you are, because through Jesus’ sacrifice you have been redeemed! He loves you unconditionally, and has made you pure!
    Romans 8:1 says, ” There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Christ has set you free, don’t let guilt over the past make you feel miserable again! Ask God to heal you from the past, so that you can learn from it and encourage someone else who might be feeling the same way. I’ll be praying for you!

  • I know the feeling. Telling yourself that you have been forgiven doesn’t seem to do anything and not matter how much you tell yourself that something good will come out of your pain, the pain remains. Words don’t seem to help anymore. And what are you supposed to do when words fail? My best advice would be to look forward, not backward. To learn from your mistake so you don’t make it again. Pray too. Eventually, the pain leaves and your mistake is pushed to the back of your mind.
    PS. Forgive yourself. Everyone else has now it’s your time. I’m praying for you =)

  • I hurt my friend pretty badly and I felt terrible. I had played a mean prank on her and it went wrong in all the wrong places. I immediately called her and ranted an apology and she forgave me pretty quickly, she’s a very good friend. But I still felt guilty for weeks. I pretended like I was fine and tried to remember that she forgave me and moved on but nothing worked.
    Eventually, about a month and half later, I realized I would have to talk to her. It was the only way for me to fully forgive myself. I called her up and told her that I was still bothered by what I had done and she let me talk it out and assured me very calmly and seriously with “I really do forgive you, its done, we make mistakes, God forgives you too, stop worrying” and we kept talking.
    That phone call actually brought us closer together because I had to be vulnerable with my feelings and thoughts and she was too. She’s now my closest friend and we have no more secrets or hidden guilt.

    I want to mention…hidden guilt is possibly one of the worst things you can bring upon yourself. It will tear you up from the inside and can cause some bad problems later on from low self-esteem to hurtful thought patterns to (in some cases) even depression. Guilt is the ultimate tool of the enemy. Guilt is the idea that you’ve messed up and you are now broken and unfixable. Hiding something as huge as this is just a terrible thing to do to yourself.

    You can pray to God and I do believe that he will help you and heal you of it. However, like Jesus told the leper to get up and walk, we have to walk in our healing. That means (depending on the situation) talking to your hurt friend, actually KNOWING that you’re done with this guilt and living like you’ve moved on. We’ve been set free and Jesus wants to teach us how to live like it.

    This turned into a slightly long comment but I hope it helped πŸ™‚

  • My friend, the devil and his angels want you to be held captive by your shame and guilt. They would love to see you live your life weighed down by the things you’ve done wrong. Nothing would make them happier than to see you made ineffective for the Kingdom because you can’t get past your past. They will tell you that you went too far and that your mistakes are unforgivable, and they will do their best to make you believe you can never let go of the memories. But remember that the devil is the prince of lies. When he lies, he speaks his native language.

    If we are in Christ, we are more than conquerors. We don’t have to live like that.

  • Been there. Done that. It hurts like anything and it probably won’t stop soon.

    But here’s the hope, assuming you’re a Christian, Jesus has paid for that sin and every other one you’ll ever commit. So, it doesn’t own you, and you aren’t controlled by it anymore. Go to prayer. Stay in the word. Rest in the cross. You’re free.

  • This is just a suggestion, but every time you feel that hurt and shame, thank Jesus that He has forgiven you! Tell that old devil that he’s bringing up scum from the past that is taken care of and forgotten, and command him to flee in Jesus’ name. Combat your feelings with truth! If all is forgiven and forgotten and you still feel shame, that shame is a lie directly from the Devil. Pray against the enemy. Where there is light, the darkness must flee!

  • if they forgave you but it still hurts then your just not forgiving yourself. you shall have no regrets because eventually your regret will just lead to even more sadness so instead you shall repent. compensate for what you’ve done in the past by learning from your mistakes so you’ll never do them again. the past is the past but the future is the future.

  • For me the feelings of guilt could be evidence of pride. Even when I know I’ve been forgiven by my friend, I could still be “kicking myself” for having compromised my reputation or damaged my imaginary dignity. In that case I’d have to go back to the gospel to see who I really am: a sinner, foolish and unworthy – but not worthless, because I have been forgiven through the blood of Christ.

  • It’s good to mourn over the fact that we have sinned, but we weren’t meant to stay stuck in that place of grief! Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. -Matthew 5:4 I would suggest telling a parent about your mixed feelings, or even telling the friends that you hurt. Between them and God, you should receive all the comfort you need to get out of the grief stage. Hope that helps, and I’ll be praying for you. <3

  • aww, I so understand. I kill a bug and deal with extreme guilt πŸ˜› So I know how hard this is. If you’ve apologized and they have accepted your apology and you have made it right, you shouldn’t feel guilty. Maybe just a nice long chat with God about this would help too.

    Often Satan uses guilt as a way to discourage us. I had that once.

    I was kneeling by the side of my bed having devotions and I just had these awful waves of guilt that I couldn’t get a way from.
    I was seriously wondering what on earth I was doing there. Then for some reason, I had this strange feeling like there was some evil at work.
    So I literally said out loud for satan to leave the room and the house. I belonged to Jesus and he could have no part of me.
    Immediately, I felt a physical difference. Everything just lifted up, I didn’t have that heavy feeling in my chest or a cloudy head. It was an amazing transformation in a fraction of a second.

    So please know, you are in my prayers and I hope this has helped you. πŸ™‚

  • Try not to be focusiug on the past all the time. It has been forgiven now, and maybe asking Jesus to help you would make you feel comforted. I have this problem also, but not with my friends, more my family and relatives πŸ™ I can still interact with them fine, just when something reminds me of the wrong thing I did it makes me sad again.

    Keep trusting in Him πŸ™‚

  • As said by Rafiki in the Lion King: “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.”

  • I don’t think forgiving yourself is biblical. I think that all that it is is that you feel really bad about it because you still are dwelling on it. These are some rather personal (intended not to be answered here, but can if you want to discuss it) questions / my own tips:
    1. Do you feel like someone isn’t really forgiving you? If so, I would just go talk to them about the way you feel about it.
    2. Realize that anyone is capable of anything at anytime — we are all sinners. Let’s take David for an example, and his relationship with Bathsheba. All we can do is repent where we are at fault, and trust God with the rest.
    3. Remember God removes our sins as far as the east is from the west — If anyone can measure that, let me know!
    4. Write out in your journal exactly how you feel about it, and why you feel the way you do. Writing it out always helps formulate our own thoughts.
    5. Discuss it with your parents/your pastor. I’m sure that they can help you. I know my pastor could, and I’d be happy to help you contact him if you want.
    6. Ask God to show you exactly how to go about the situation. God can help where no one else can — the heart. Read God’s word, and take it as it is. Study how people overcame their guilty consciences.
    7.1 Would you classify “everyone forgave everyone” as being true reconciliation, or do you think that more is needed?
    7.2 Are you hiding something? Clearing stuff like that up usually helps the situation, even though sometimes it seems counter intuitive.
    8. Guilt over the past can only take you two places — closer to God, or further away from Him. Is it something that you truly need to feel guilty about? Will it affect your life and that of others for an extended period of time? Obviously, sin has consequences, but there is nothing that God cannot forgive a Christian besides THE unpardonable sin, at which point you aren’t considered a Christian, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t what’s causing your grief.

    • I’m about to show how little I know about some of Christian culture… what is “THE unpardonable sin”? (I’m probably going to feel really stupid when you tell me, but I can’t for the life of me think what it is.)
      And fyi, we can see your first name… if you don’t want us to know you’re D**** Lyn, you’ll want to change your username (not the one that we see as your name, but the one you can use to log in). I just thought you might like to know!

      • THE unpardonable sin is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, in other words, attributing the works of God/Jesus/Holy Spirit to Satan/his forces.
        I don’t really care if YOU guys see it, I just didn’t need Disqus’s 5k emails going into my inbox, so I have a different email for stuff like that. It is just what it took from my email address. πŸ™‚

        • So Satanists are doomed to H*ll? (Ya can’t say the real word because Disqus’s moderating system will snag the comment and not post it until Brett or Christopher gives it an okay, fyi)
          Okay, cool! Just thought I’d let ya know πŸ™‚

          • I don’t think that is 100% the case… they don’t attribute Jesus’s work to Satan, they simply worship Satan (to my limited knowledge on them). Now Satanists aren’t saved, but they can be converted. I think the case example is Mark 3:22. They are deliberately spreading rumors and falsehood giving glory to Satan for Christ’s work instead of God. Follow me?

          • Okay, I get it now πŸ™‚ At first it sounded like a weird doctrine, but now I see that it wasn’t what I thought you were saying. πŸ™‚

  • I can’t help but feel like maybe satan is trying to attack you. Going back to my earlier comment, I can’t urge you enough to run to the light and let Jesus be your fortress. The spiritual realm is very real and very serious.

    While I’m at this, being new to this site, how do you get your questions put up on the discussion page?

  • I know, I know, I am thirteen just now a teen, But I just want to help. if you don’t take me seriously that is OK.

rebelling against low expectations

The Rebelution is a teenage rebellion against low expectationsβ€”a worldwide campaign to reject apathy, embrace responsibility, and do hard things. Learn More β†’