rebelling against low expectations

How do I handle the pressure to date?


ANONYMOUS WRITES: I go to youth group with a guy who has told me he likes me. I like him too, but I want to stay away from dating in high school so that my focus can be on God and my studies.

He doesn’t understand that and has asked me to go out with him. I’ve told him how I feel about it, but I just can’t stand hurting his feelings. I’m afraid that he will see me differently. I don’t know what to do.

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  • If it doesn’t need to happen put up some boundaries to keep it from happening. He will see you different, but that’s okay. I don’t have much to say, but I hope this helps.

  • Hmm.. My suggestion would be talking to your Youth leader or parents about it. They would know the situation better and they could help deal with it if he isn’t understanding what you are trying to say.

  • I have been in a similar situation, so i totally understand how awkward that could be. I definitely think that deciding not to date until high school is over is a good idea. because you have already expressed to this boy that you are not planning to date now, i would encourage you to continue pursuing your relationship as friends. if you grow in your friendship, and you really get to know him better (i.e. learn about his relationship with God, and the way he treats his family and friends) you could start dating once you feel comfortable. this is not something to rush, relationships can be really distracting and hard to navigate. the most important thing right now is to focus on God, and cultivating your relationships that will last a lifetime. if you do that, you will be led to the right person ;).
    hope this helps a bit, im kindof new to the rebelution, but im loving it!!

  • If you’ve made the commitment not to date in high school, stick with it.

    I second Laini’s opinion of telling someone about it. I can understand, because I’m in a sort of similar situation. Talking to someone about this and having a friend or sibling be with you and second your opinion can be a good idea. Or have your dad talk to this guy.
    The daddy talks usually straighten them out!

  • I agree with what people have said below. I would encourage you to not date until you feel that’s what God has for you. However, I want to urge you to not put this friendship on a “back burner,” so to speak. Just because you’re not dating doesn’t mean you can’t get to know him and decide if this might be someone you want to spend your life with. Try to develop a deeper friendship with him and find out more about his relationship with Jesus!

    One thing to consider: this guy may not understand why you don’t want to date, but if he truly loves the Lord, desires to be pure, and is interested in you, he will honor your decision and wait. I’d caution you to be careful if he pressures you to date him.

    Hope that helps! 🙂

  • Yep, there are lots of problems with dating. Just ask Ken Ham! But seriously…

    Good on you for making this commitment. It’s an admirable decision, and one which I’m sure you won’t regret later – regardless of how it may feel at the moment.

    As for hurting his feelings, that may not be necessary. If you explain to him your personal policy of not dating – and (within reason) the motivations behind it – he may be able to understand that it is the concept of premature dating – not him specifically – which you are choosing to reject. Thus, he might not need to feel personally spurned.

    However, he may still feel hurt. And he may see you differently. (He might think your views are a bit “dated”, so to speak.) In that case, you’re not on the same page regarding romantic relationships – and so it probably wouldn’t work to date him anyway.

    All of this, of course, is not to say that it won’t be hard.

  • First, good for you for saying up front your convictions about dating! I didn’t state things up front once with a girl and it ended up in a lot of heartache. If you “hurt his feelings” (which you may or may not do) it will hurt a lot less than an unnessary breakup. Also, if you state things up front it helps define the relationship – for example, while I would respect your decision to not date in high school, I personally would probably move on and look for another girlfriend who would date in high school. Either way, he should respect your dicision and that should be the end of it. I don’t really see what else there is to do at this point – of course, unless he isn’t respecting it. Then I’m in 100% favor of sending your dad after him! Hope that helps 🙂

  • Good for you for standing up for the commitment you’ve made! I’ve been in a similar situation with a guy friend, and I finally had to tell him flat out (in a loving way) that I could not be a relationship with him more than friendship. I think I hurt his feelings pretty bad and I felt pretty horrible about it for weeks afterwards (I still get a stab of guilt every once in a while even…). But my mom told me that I was not responsible for how he acted; I was only responsible for how I acted. It was truly one of the hardest things I ever had to do! But I hope that story encourages you!

  • First of all, good for you for sticking to your convictions and the commitment that you’ve made! So, I personally, have decided not to get in a relationship in high school (not that my parents would even let me if I tried), as well. Although I do have a lot of great guy friends that I love dearly, they understand that dating in high school is just something that I’m not doing. If you are close to this guy as friends then I would say to sit down and talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, If you do love him (as a friend) tell him that his friendship does mean a lot to you, but that you’ve made a commitment to keep your focus on God right now, and not dating relationships. Be honest with him, also if you want to tell someone about it, like your youth pastor or just someone older and wiser that you respect, ask them for advice, seek God and what He wants you to do in this situation. Remember, although, there is immense pressure for those of us in this generation, we have to remember that He is holding everything, and that He gives us strength. Sometimes “hurting his feelings” is necessary, but it can probably be avoided, in this situation. Some people are harder to explain your convictions to. So, just try your best. Hope this helped some!

  • As a guy, I will tell you this: be honest with him in a kind way. Tell it like it is. If he takes it hard, that’s his decision. It will be better in the long run to break the news now rather than accidentally lead him on into thinking you might want to pursue an immediate relationship.

rebelling against low expectations

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