In April of 2011 my family heard, “Your mom has advanced stage cancer and one year to live.”
Those are words you never want to hear, words you want to block out, acting like you never heard them! They clanged so loudly in my head, jarring my peaceful world…. they couldn’t be true!
My mom was my rock who I ran to when I was confused. She always knew what the right thing was and could always sort out my problems and mess of emotions. I thought surely God would realize that and wouldn’t actually take her. I thought to myself, He probably just wants to teach us some lessons through her being sick. And besides, God had a whole year to do a miracle and heal her and we had a whole year to pray that He would do it!
But that little ‘But what if he doesn’t’ kept gnawing at me every day! I took more walks than I could count on a peaceful country road near us. I would pour out my confused, hurting, and torn heart to God, the Creator of the universe. I fasted a day every week and prayed like I’d never prayed before. I begged God. I screamed, I cried over and over until I had no more tears left to cry.
I was so confused and torn, but God’s voice kept coming to me and saying, Just trust Me.
I wondered why God who had all power to heal wasn’t choosing to heal my mom. Minutes, hours, days, and months were slipping away so quick! Mom was getting worse. Some days I could feel her slipping… slipping away from being my capable mom. Instead she was weakly lying in bed and I was taking care of her. Time seemed like a terrible enemy… relentless in its pursuit of taking my mother away from me.
One day I was walking And pouring my confused heart out to God who felt so very far away from me and like He had forgotten me and all my prayers and all my fasting. Then suddenly He spoke almost clearer than anything I’d ever hear Him speak before. He asked me, Will you still love me if I take your mom?
I answered as honestly as I could: I can’t in my flesh but if you give me the grace I will do my best.
Then He said, “I will take your pain and make it beautiful!”
I didn’t know exactly what to think but I held that promise like a drowning man would cling to a life raft!
Months ticked by and we spent every moment possible with out dear Momma. I tried to memorize how awesome her hugs felt and savored every single one. For those few seconds when her arms were wrapped tight around me, I felt that nothing bad could touch me and that everything would be ok. I never wanted to forget them or how they made me feel!
But on August 21st, she slipped away to be with Jesus. Her body had become so weak and full of intense pain but now she was in perfect bliss in Heaven. And on August 21st I became one of those motherless teenagers. Something I thought couldn’t actually happen to me, because it only happened to strong kids that could take it and were prepared for it.
On that day God put me on a journey, a journey I never ever wanted to walk. A painful journey He had entrusted to me and I had no choice but to walk it!
The beginning of the journey was hard and I cried buckets of tears but the deep pain of living without mom everyday really hadn’t set in. There were more people than could have ever imagined helping my family in whatever way they could, and prayers for us were poured out like a flood!
But as the journey continued, other people resumed their normal lives. I wanted to, but I couldn’t — my life was changed forever and nothing would never be normal again. My rock that I leaned so heavily on was gone!
And that’s when it really started to sink in: she was gone and NEVER coming back and I would live the rest of my life without a mother to be there for me. Those thoughts were like someone stamping on the already shattered pieces of my heart. Pain hit me like a giant wave and just as I would catch a breath a new wave of pain would wash over me. I was unraveling at the seams and I was falling apart inside.
I was trying to cling desperately to God and the people around me. God began to show me HE is the only one I could cling to that would never ever fail me. Even though I knew it before in my head, I really believed it now.
All the pain was so intense, the struggles were so hard I wondered how I would ever make it through them. I would lay on my bed by myself and just sob and shake till I was so exhausted I would fall asleep, or go out in the woods and just scream. I wanted so bad to be numb and not feel all the pain anymore, I wanted it to just go away!
I had had my fill of pain and didn’t want anymore! I thought surely a person could only take so much pain and then they just had to go numb. But then I realized it was God’s goodness and mercy that let me feel the searing, gut wrenching pain so real and intense and not get bitter and block it out.
But that same pain that I wanted to get rid of so bad and be numb to, was the same pain that was driving me to God and making me cling to Him with a white-knuckled grasp. Because I knew that I, Joanna Ueland, could not make it through losing my mom without totally falling apart, but God could give me HIS strength!
Losing Mom and all the grief and pain that came along with it was nothing like what I had expected and people had told me to expect. They said you grieve in stages like stair steps. But I think I heard a much better comparison from someone. Grief is like a giant pool of grief you are swimming around in, one side is very very deep and one side is shallow. Some days you’re on the shallow side and your struggles are small and quite easily won. But other days you’re in the deep side, struggling just to keep from drowning in pain so severe you feel like a knife is being twisted in your heart!
Its been tough — so hard that sometimes I wonder how I’ve made it this far — but God is keeping His promise and showing me slowly how He is making my pain beautiful. Because this deep, searing gut wrenching pain that shattered my heart and rubs the wound open everyday, is the same pain that is making me see God like I’ve never seen Him before! It’s making me grab a hold of Him in desperation and not let Him go no matter what.
His plan is very painful but he’s making it beautiful!
I can write about my deep pain of losing my mom so young and I can write about how faithful God is and the incredible peace God gives. And both are true and walk hand in hand. It’s peace and pain, tears and trust all mixed together.
Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: Job 13:15
Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy; Psalms 33:18
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I know my Journey is far from over but my wonderful, trustworthy God, the Creator of the universe is walking with me every single step of the way. He works everything in our lives for good even when we don’t always understand and takes our pain and makes it beautiful.
Dear Joanna,
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable. Thank you for putting your heart out there and for being my friend — it is a blessing to know you! I’m so glad we first met via Shannon Primiciero’s blog!
I love you!
Hugs,
Rachelle
Thanks Rachelle!
I’m so glad we met too!
This is a beautiful tribute to both God and your mother. <3 Thank you for sharing, Joanna.
My Mom died of cancer to.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Rachel. Alex and I lost our mom to cancer as well three years ago. I hope that God comforted you today.
Thank you Brett.
I’m so sorry Rachel! Lifting you up in prayer this evening!
I have a friend whose mom is dying of cancer now and is in hospice. Thank you for this encouragement. I am praying for you and your family.
Thank you Marta! I will be praying for your friends mom.
Oh Joanna, God be with you as you continue to face each day by His grace… some harder than others, some hardest of all. It was a blessing to read your story, yet so hard at the same time – yet I can see just how God is using this somehow to shape you and make you more beautiful.
<3
Thank you Naomi!
Your mom was very special, Joanna, and everyone who knew her would agree. I have not lost my mother, but I have lost others before and I have found that if we will cooperate, God will refine us, soften us, and make us more useable, more beautiful for Him through it all. Dorcas Ueland will always be missed, but her legacy continues and someday you will meet her again. 🙂
Thanks Abby! I agree if we will cooperate and stay mold-able, God can do great things through each one of our lives!
your description of pain as the pool – with the shallow and the deep side – that is so perfect. i have never heard it specified so clearly as that, but it is so true. i have had that same experience with somedays being on the shallow side and the very next day drowning on the deep side…
thank you for sharing your heart. and thank you for staying with Jesus even in the hard times when nothing makes sense, seems fair, and the promises of God are just words on paper that we have to have FAITH to believe WILL come true someday (even if that day isn’t until Heaven.
love you darlin <3
Thanks Faith! <3
Sounds alot like what I went through when my husband was dying of cancer. I did alot of crying out and after he was gone-alot of just plain crying but I have had the Lord to sustain me and my family and that is the only glue that has held us together-Praise Him for that. I can’t say that everything is beautiful without Jack but God enables me to appreciate His beauty around me.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Joanna. I am thankful to God that I’ve never experienced losing a close loved one & I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I will be praying for you & your family. Thank you for sharing this. God bless you.
Thank you Mary!
I know what you went through in the smallest degree. My uncle died when I was very little, I didn’t understand death then as well as I do now. I cried a little, but I was more confused. He had lived far away, and in my mind I just thought. “Well, we will just see him when he vists the next time, he’s not really gone.” Now that I think about that, it’s true in a way, he was a Christian, and our next “visit” with him will be eternity. He’s not really gone. We will see him again. That I think is the greatest comfort, but we do not always have that comfort, a few years after uncle’s death, my grandparents both died of cancer within six months of each other. We were not sure of they believed, at those times it’s hard to trust God’s goodness, when you don’t know whether or not you will see people you love in Heaven, that I think is one of the hardest things to deal with.
Joanna,
my mum died on January 26th 2011 when I was 15 so in some ways my story is similar to yours, but my greatest struggle was to allow myself to be weak! My mum died suddenly from a cerebral aneurysm so one day she was fit and healthy and the next she was gone. I had to hold my family together as everyone was in shock and, with my brother away and my dad in no place to do it, I planned most of the funeral with my pastor, phoned friends and relatives (my mum knew a lot of people!) and generally, got really really busy. I realise this was mostly because I didn’t want to let myself realise what had happened. I would go to bed and stop, cry and turn to God because I had nothing else to hold on to, so I prayed a lot in the following months because I didn’t have the strength on my own.
However, I want to encourage you that a few weeks ago, a man at church shared his testimony and afterwards, his friend who sparked that first life-changing conversation told me that it was because of how myself and my brother spoke at the funeral that he was so confused at how we could do that and his friend explained that it was our certainty in God.
I have had far more opportunity to explain the gospel through mum dying than anything else. This has lead to conversations that take people further to crossing the line of faith.
My prayers are with you and your family, Joanna. May our tender Father heal your heart and comfort you with His love.
Very inspirational, I can relate to the pain in many ways through the loss on several people who were close to me but unfortunately I feel that I let it make me both numb and a little bit bitter. This is a good reminder that there actually is constructive ways to deal with extreme grief and pain.
Thanks Joanna. Your mom was very lucky to have you in her life. My uncle died when I was little and I remember that feeling when you realize that they will never return. I’ll be praying for you!
I cried when I read this… maybe because losing someone close to me is one of my greatest fears, and greatest doubts as to whether I would be faithful to the Lord through it. Your post encouraged me, to see that yes, God can take pain and turn it into something beautiful, and he will walk through that valley of the shadow of death with you. Thank you for sharing.
Wow!! Joanna you described it to the hilt. I have experienced the exact same kind of pain but for a different reason. Death hurts unbearably, whether it be the death of a friend, a mother or a marriage. The pain is the same, excrutiating beyond what we can bear in our own strength. It took me a very long time to accept the fact that my life will never again be the way it used to be. All of my dreams and goals and plans mean nothing. There remain only two options, trust God to make beauty out of my pain or go insane. God is slowly healing my pain and showing me how He can make my life beautiful in spite of the horrible scars I have from the cutting I endured.
I loved your mother a lot. She was the best friend I had at one of the worst times in my life. I enjoyed the talks I had with her and I miss her. I love you all.
My mom has been gone 4yrs.in July she fought a. 3yr. battle with numerous cancers that in the end took in life I have tried but it is hard to feel at peace when I see people healed of the same cancer she died from my family is not perfect but we stuck together through everything an the pain is just as fresh today an it shows in all 7of us the effect of her death.
Dear Joanna,
While I’ve never lost someone as close as my mom, I have a VERY vivid imagination. Several times I’ve imagined losing my mom (don’t ask me why), and it always makes me cry. As I was reading your story, I felt a hint of your pain and loss. I’m so terribly sorry, Joanna. I will definitely pray for you. Keep leaning on Jesus. It’s Him who is becoming more and more dear to me, and teaching me to trust him even as times get hard (which right now, times are starting to get hard for our family financially). Again, I’m praying for you.
~Anna Baber
Bless you for your beautiful testimony! You are wiser than many, especially in the wisdom not to confuse numbness with healing. Healing hurts, but it’s so worth it, and the Healer Himself is so worth it!
Dear Joanna,
Praying that God wraps His strong comforting arms around you today and engulfs you in one of those “awesome hugs” your heart craves! He is truly better than your heart ever hopes that he could be. Cling to that beautiful promise He gave you! And take courage that He is already fulfilling it! By choosing to be real and by sharing your amazing journey, He is able to take your story and bless others with it to an extent that you will never know. He’s making it all beautiful…just like He promised!
Thanks for sharing!
~ Sierra W.
Been a while since I’ve checked this sight out, but this post caught my eye in my inbox. My Mom died of cancer on Nov. 3rd of last year. Two weeks after my wedding and two weeks before I found out I was carrying her 6th grandchild. I too can tell of God’s overwhelming faithfulness and abundant grace when it comes to trusting Him through it all. Many times I have been tempted to put the blame on someone or something else and harbor bitterness from the shear pain of it all. But each time I am reminded that that is not what he has called me to do. He said “Follow Me”. Not ‘Follow Me if its easy’. He told us flat out that we would go through hardships, heart aches, trials, ect. How else are we to die so that we may truly live? But he also called us to Love as He has loved us. This is extremely difficult when grief clouds our vision, until we pour it ALL at His feet. I have been to the place, about 2 years prier to my Moms cancer, where I went completely numb spiritually and emotionally , and I begged God never to let me go back there. I might as well have been a zombie during that time for though I went through the motions of loving, It was all resounding gongs. When He broke my heart out of it, I was determined never to let it engulf me again. Though it is a great deal harder to bear some days than if I just ignored it or continued to feed myself lies about reality, I am living with both eyes, ears, and heart open to the Truth of God’s love. I do not seek to justify a bad attitude, or rude behavior or actions, by placing the blame on God or someone else. That only results in the self poison of bitterness. Instead, God has taught/ is teaching me to ‘not look to my own interest, but to the the interest of others’ so that they may know the richness of God’s love through my response in all things, and that I may “Always be prepared to give an account for the hope that I have.[Doing] this with all gentleness and respect.” 1 Peter 3:15
May God be with you all. <3
~His Pearl,
Charlene Faith~
When my grandpa died, a close mentor of mine told me over the phone, “It’s okay to grieve. Don’t try to hold it together. Just morn and allow the Lord to come and heal you.” I said something on the lines of “sure, okay” and kind of brushed it off. But deep down I knew that my friend had just blessed me and led me away from self-inflicted pain. In the days and weeks to follow, I took this wisdom to heart. And even in the pain, it felt so good to know I didn’t have to put up a show for anyone–especially God. In that time I felt the Lord’s presence and heard His voice in an unmatched way compared to my “normal life.”
I also learned not to give corny counsel or advise to those who are grieving. Instead just be with the brokenhearted. Share their pain. Jesus wept. I can too.
Thank you for your post, Joanna.
My mother was told by her doctor she has 4 months to live at best, depending on her personal health and will to live. Unlike you, I didn’t have a close relationship with my mother and truth be told I wish I had some small peice of something I could look back and say “yeah that was a special time or we had so much fun that day mom and I”. I grew up very fast and looked after myself by the time I was your age…even younger. I wished my mom was my rock. In a nut shell Joanna, you are a lucky gal to have all those special memories of your mother. Don’t let those tears of grief blind or drown those special moments you had with her; that in itself is a wonderful gift your mom left behind for you. Cherish those moments and celebrate the woman she was. My adversity and sense of loss was never having a mother-daughter relationship and now I will never have it. You’re adversity is getting through the loss of your mom, but if you are anything like you’re mom, you’re a rock too. Let those memories shine through and God will do the rest if you let Him. My thoughts are with you. : )
i lost my mum a month ago.. it was terrible she went to the hospital for an operation to remove fibroid after so many scans (which reported no cancer), once they opened her up, they saw the cancer cells hidden there and after the operation she didnt recover well. the cancer spread really fast due to the operation done and thats how she died of advanced endometrial sarcoma. its been very difficult for me as the only daughter and i look so much like i her so i see her everyday. at first i felt God had failed me because i kept praying and begging him for a miracle even when the doctors said it was a matter of days. she didnt have to die. a lot of women have hysterectomy done and live. why my mother? why didnt they see the cells in the scan. why didnt God answer my prayers. my mum was one who lived her life around the church and the bible. why would God let this happen to her? why do people say God knows best or everything happens for good…what good could come out of this? what about me? how do i get over this cos everything people tell me doesnt make sense.
Hey Genevieve, I’m so sorry to hear your story. My mom also died of cancer and I can relate to much of what you’ve shared. I wanted to point you to an article written by a 17-year-old named Christopher Witmer:
http://therebelution.com/blog/2013/08/im-angry-at-god/
He lost his mother in a car accident nine months ago and is struggling with some of the same frustrations as you. I thought that reading his thoughts might encourage you.
Genevieve, my story and pain is exactly like yours. I lost my mum July 2016. She went for a Fibroid operation and just like you the Cancer cells were present. My mum was just 43 years old and being an only child makes it even worst because I feel like no one understands my pain. I’ve been asking my self why God will allow sure a God fearing and and peaceful woman like my mum die untimely and in such a painful manner. I’m so heart broken and grieve stricken. I’m not sure I will ever get over my lose.
I prayed and fasted but still God allowed this tragedy to occur. I feel so alone in this world. Why my poor Mother? I’ve lost the will to live. I’m not sure I will ever be happy without my mum. I’ve not been able to pray to God since my mum left me. But I guess I have no choice but to return to God and ask for forgiveness and strength to live on without my dear mother. Life is indeed a story told by a fool.
Very unpredictable the turns life can take on one. I never in my life thought I will be motherless at so young. God help me!!
Joanna, you have showed great bravery by telling your story. I lost my Mother when I was 16 from Bowel Cancer, from your first paragraph I understood your feelings as I heard myself saying “it couldn’t happen to me, what has my family done to deserve this”. My Mum was given 6 months but lived for 2 more years which I thank God for giving that little bit of extra time. You have to remember that your Mum is there with you all the time, I just let out tears randomly because that is the best way to let go of everything built up inside, but I also know that your Mum is encouraging you to live your life to the greatest of your ability.
God Bless you:)
Thank you for sharing your story.
Joanna, your story has touched my heart. I am faced with losing my mom, who is my everything. And it is something I am not prepared for and pray endlessly that I would never have to deal with it, but now it is starting me in the face and even thought at times I have the same questions and sometimes I feel myself drawing into myself, I know that as much as this is a painful journey, my God’s comforting arms will be there to guide me through it. And though I am afraid I will fall and lose my faith, I ask and pray earnestly that He holds me tighter and tighter and gives me the strength to run TO Him not from Him. I know He will be there to comfort me, to take me through this journey and that I will not have to walk it alone and though it will be painful, He is etching something in me that will be used for His glory. I just yearn to have Him lift me up and be that comfort and I know when the time comes..He will never fail.
Im so sorry to hear about your mom. I know exactly what your going through. I had the same exact thing happen to my best friend. Im praying that God will give you a peace and comfort knowing that she is with God and her suffering is over. Your story has given me comfort about my friend. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Joanna. Wow, I am so proud of you for staying with God and not becoming angry and losing all hope that there was not even a God as I did when my mother passed away when I was only 12. See, my mother was a very religious woman and she called upon God to heal her after she was diagnosed with breast cancer at only 30 years old. But the cancer had spread and it was just too aggressive for her to fight and four years later she was called home. I remember the night she died, my dad received a phone call from the hospital (my mom was there from complications from the cancer) and I heard him saying something had happened to my mom. He never woke me and my sisters up, and the neighbor came to stay with us. A very bad feeling feel upon me, and I prayed, as I was taught to do, pray and you shall receive, I prayed for my mom to live and not to die. However, she died that night. And I lost my faith, hope, my mom, my everything that sad and dreadful night. I didn’t believe there was a God and felt so very separate from him for a very, very long time. I became rebellious and got involved in risky behaviors. I wish I could take it all back now. I am saddened and upset in how I handled myself during my grief. I am not the most religious person but I have slowly started to find a way to lessen my anger with God and start to trust in him again.
I am on another journey of grief this year as I lost my dad to cancer suddenly at the age of 38. So now my parentless journey begins which seems to me to be entirely too young to not have any parents.. But it is my journey… But I have promised myself and God that I will not lose my faith this time. I prayed to God before my father passed away. I prayed this time that He knew what was best and to please do what he had to do to take my father’s extreme pain and suffering away. He died the next day. So now I realize that In answering our prayers, it may not be what we want, but HE always does and knows what is best. God bless you on your journey. Thanks for sharing your story. It always feels better to know you are not alone.
i am so sorry for your loss,i lost my mum due to breast cancer and the way she died was exactly the way your mum died and this made me cry,i hope actually i dont know what to say im sorry :'(
Sometimes I feel like Im loosing faith in god. But then I don’t. I’m afraid of my life without my mother, but i do find myself talkin to god all the time, like all the time, and I feel him and I feel better all the time.
Joana…I knew your Mom in High School. She was a kind and gentle soul then, and it seems she was her whole life. I would love to know more of Dorcas’s life after graduation. Please feel free to contact me anytime at [email protected]
I was Joni Arndt in her high school yearbook.
Joanna,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother’s passing and so glad to hear that she had such a full and happy life. Dorcas was a friend of mine in high school. We had many classes together and talked often. She was brilliant and beautiful, inside and out. She had a quiet, lovely sense of humor. You’re writing is so like her’s, which is to say extraordinary. You must have been (and still are, I believe) such a joy to her. Ten children! How full her life must have been. Especially if she taught all of you your lessons. Did she ever tell you she was class valedictorian?
I know it is hard to lose a parent just as you are becoming an adult. That’s when I lost my father. Becoming an adult is a little unnerving in the first place. Doing it and then losing your parent, your anchor, leaves you feeling adrift. I hope you have had a lot of help from your family. I’m sure your mother raised you all that way. The Dorcas I knew would not have left unless she was confident that you were able to take care of each other and go forward into your adult life. I am certain that she is surrounding you with great love every day. And I know that God has welcomed his “good and faithful servant” with love and joy.
It’s been almost three years since my Mom died too. After one month of finding out she had cancer, she went home on November 21, 2011. Today I was thinking about her and I found your post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart! I can completely relate because I was 17 when this all happened and since my mom was one of my greatest friends and mentors it was so difficult! I’m 20 now and it’ll be three years this year, but through it all God has been so good! He’s brought many people to come alongside me and rekindled past friendships and just shown how real and true and faithful he is. I just needed to hear about someone else who could understand and verbalize the type of pain I had felt then. In the same way, God showed to my family that he wanted to take our pain and make it beautiful too, through the song “beautiful things” by gungor. Anyway, my mind is a bit scattered right now since I just had a good cry lol. But I just wanted to thank you again for sharing your heart by writing about your journey in life! Thank you so much!
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WOW I FEEL EVERYTHING U HAVE WRITTEN HERE ON THIS PAGE, I LOST MY MOTHER ON JUNE 4 2016
My mother is currently fighting end stage 4 cancer. I know that our all mighty God can heal her. And I have all the faith he can. But I also do know that God’s will is not ours. And he knows what is best. I’ve given it to God, and left everything in his hands, and have asked for peace and comfort over my mother and our family. My mother was a Christian. God used her and my father. They had their own ministry. I wondered in the beginning. Why would God allow this to happen to my mother, when she lived for him? But we are not to question God. But we are to know that he knows what is best. And is there for us to give us peace and comfort during troubling times and tragedies life gives us here on earth.
my mom was diagnosed for the forth time with cancer 10/2015. by 12/27/2015 it had taken it her be with the lord. I didn’t embrace God even though I have been a Christian since I was 8 years old. instead I was angry, confused, and blamed him and myself. 6 weeks later I lost my best friend unexpectedly so I was really angry. after six months I finally could not hold it in any more and had a mental break. I tried to kill myself. snapping back to realizing I would NEVER want my son to feel the same pain as me. now I am slowly coming to terms. learning how to live. but thank you for your inspiration. it gives me hope. I am now back in church fyi and trying to make sure I make it to see my mom again one day. so sorry for your loss. thank you for your strength